Where'd You Go, Bernadette(60)
Fax from Audrey Griffin
Dear Soo-Lin,
Congratulations on your newfound happiness. You’re a wonderful person, and you deserve all the joy your new life has brought to you. May it continue.
I have found serenity myself, in Utah, where Kyle is in wilderness rehab. He’s a drug addict and has been diagnosed with ADHD and borderline personality disorder.
We found a wonderful, if arduous, immersion program. The reason we chose Utah is because it’s the only state that by law essentially allows you to kidnap your child, so they specialize in these wilderness programs. On the first day, they drove Kyle and a group of kids, blindfolded, twenty miles out into the middle of the desert and dumped them without sleeping bags, food, toothbrushes, or tents, and told them they’d be back for them in a week.
It’s not like a reality television show where there are cameras and everyone is being watched. No. These kids are forced to cooperate in order to survive. Many of them, like Kyle, were coming off drugs cold turkey.
Of course, I was terrified. Kyle is incapable of doing anything for himself. You remember those calls when we were having girls’ night out. “Mom, the remote is out of batteries.” And I’d leave early to go to the store to get him more? How would he survive seven days in the desert? Or worse, I looked around at the other mothers, and I thought, My son is going to kill one of your children.
After a week, the kids were rounded up and brought back to the rehab center. Kyle came back alive, ten pounds lighter, smelling to high heaven, and a tiny bit meek.
Warren returned to Seattle, but I couldn’t. I checked into a motel that makes the Westin look like the Taj Mahal. The soda machines are covered with metal grating. The sheets were so scratchy, I drove a hundred miles to the nearest Walmart and bought cotton ones.
I started going to Al-Anon meetings, ones that specialize in parents whose kids have substance-abuse problems. I have come to accept that my life has become unmanageable. I always went to church, but this program is deeply spiritual in a way I’ve never before experienced. I’ll leave it at that.
Truthfully, I’m afraid of going back to Seattle. Gwen Goodyear has generously offered to take Kyle back at Galer Street after spring break and let him make up his credits over the summer so he can graduate with his class. But I’m not sure I want to go back just yet. I’m not the same woman who wrote that foolish Christmas poem. At the same time, I’m not sure who I am. I trust God to guide me.
That is very upsetting news about Bernadette. I know she’ll turn up. She always has a trick up her sleeve, doesn’t she?
Love,
Audrey
SUNDAY, JANUARY 16
From: Soo-Lin
To: Audrey Griffin
Audrey! I’m in the middle of the most horrific nightmare!! I should write to a fellow VAVite. I can’t pecause my labtob with all my addresses is dead, and yours is the only email address I know by heart. I’m in an Internet café in South America,, and this keypoard is so dirty and sticky and HORRIPLE and the P makes a B and the B makes a P and the comma sticks and you have to immediately hit packsbace or else the whole email will pe commas! I’d fix the p’s and b’s put they’re charging me py the minute and they don’t take credit cards and I had only 20 besos. I’m on a timer and this HUNK OF JUNK combuter shuts off in 2 minutes. I don’t want Elgie to know I snuck out so I’m going to tell you as much as I can pefore my money runs out.
They found her!!! They found Pernadette!!!! Yesterday a charge for $1300 from the Antarctic cruise combany showed ub on Elgie’s Visa card. Elgie called the travel agent, who confirmed it. Pernadette went to Antarctica without them!!! Her credit card was on file,,,, and pecause the trip was ending,, her card was charged for the incidentals, so Elgie was alerted. The travel agent said the shib was at that very moment heading into the Drake Bassage, returning from Antarctica, and it would land in Ushuaia, Argentina, in 24 hours! Elgie called me and I got us two tickets to go down.
Audrey,,, I’m bregnant!!!! Yes, I’m carrying Elgie’s child. I wasn’t going to tell you or anyone pecause I’m 40 and it’s a geriatric bregnancy. Elgie knows of course and that’s really why I quit my job,, so I wouldn’t have any added stress and that’s also why Elgie is puying a house, not for me and him to live habbily ever after, HA HA HA, like I wish, put for his new papy!!! Now that Pernadette is pack in the bicture, what will habben to me? I should have never quit MS! I’m a fool! I was living in a fantasy pupple, stubidly pelieving Elgie and me and the kids would live habbily ever after. What will I do for money? Pernadette hates me. You should have heard the mean things she said to me. I’m terrified of her. She’s a witch. I’m in a state of total banic. Elgie doesn’t want me here. He almost died when he found out I was coming to Ushuaia,,,, too. He didn’t realize I was getting myself a ticket. What was he going to do, turn down the woman who is carrying his papy? Ha ha, no. I’m in Ushuaia,, that’s where I am now, writing on this HORRIPLE KEYPOARD!!!!!! I must must must pe right there standing by Elgie’s side when Pernadette gets off that shib tomorrow. If HE doesn’t tell her I’m bregnant, you petter pelieve I will and
TUESDAY, JANUARY 18
From Bruce Jessup
Dear Mr. Branch,
I tried calling your office, but a recording tells me you’re out of the country. It is with great sadness and urgency that I write. After conferring with Bee’s adviser and dorm mistress, we unanimously recommend that Bee withdraw from Choate Rosemary immediately, without finishing the academic year.