Where'd You Go, Bernadette(56)

FOX: Check my phone. See? Outgoing calls. Dr. Neergaard. Dial him yourself. Here—



BRANCH: Dr. Kurtz, should we—



DR. KURTZ: Bernadette, we are concerned for your ability to care for yourself.



FOX: Is this a joke? I really don’t understand. Is this about Manjula?



BRANCH: There is no Manjula.



FOX: What?



BRANCH: Agent Strang, could you—



FOX: Agent Strang?



AGENT STRANG: Hi. From the FBI.



BRANCH: Agent Strang, since you’re here, could you perhaps explain to my wife the havoc her actions have wreaked?



AGENT STRANG: If this has all of a sudden turned into an intervention, that’s not really my thing.



BRANCH: I just want—



AGENT STRANG: Outside the pay grade.



BRANCH: Manjula is an alias for an identity-theft ring operating out of Russia. They have been posing as Manjula as a way to capture all of our personal banking information. Not only that, they’re coming to Seattle to make their move while Bee and I are in Antarctica. Is that right, Agent Strang?



AGENT STRANG: Pretty much.



FOX: I don’t believe it. I mean, I do believe it. What kind of move?



BRANCH: Oh, I don’t know! Cleaning out our bank accounts, brokerage accounts, property title, which shouldn’t be that hard because you’ve handed them all our personal information and passwords! Manjula even requested power of attorney.



FOX: That’s not true. I haven’t heard back from her for days. I was getting ready to fire her.



BRANCH: That’s because the FBI has been intercepting the emails and responding as you. Don’t you get it?



DR. KURTZ: Yes, that’s a good idea, Bernadette, for you to sit down. Let’s all sit down.



FOX: Not there—



DR. KURTZ: Oh!



FOX: It’s wet. Sorry, there’s a leak. God, Elgie, I completely fucked up. Did she take everything?



BRANCH: Thank God, nothing yet.



LEE-SEGAL: (WHISPERS: NOT AUDIBLE)



BRANCH: Thank you. I forgot! She cashed in our miles!



FOX: Our miles? I’m sick about this. I’m sorry, I’m just in shock.



DR. KURTZ: Now that we’re comfortable… ish. Oh! My skirt.



FOX: Is the couch wet? Sorry. It’s that orange color because the flashing on the roof is rusted and the water drips through. It usually washes out with lemon juice and salt. Who are you?



DR. KURTZ: Dr. Janelle Kurtz. It’s quite all right. Bernadette, I’d like to keep presenting reality. Because the FBI gained access to your email account, we were able to see that you pondered suicide in the past. You stashed pills for future suicide attempts. You tried to run over a mother at school.



FOX: Don’t be ludicrous.



LEE-SEGAL: (SIGHS HEAVILY)



FOX: Oh, shut up. What the hell are you doing here anyway? Will someone open a window and let the gnat out?



BRANCH: Stop calling her that, Bernadette!



FOX: Forgive me. Could someone get the admin out of my living room?



DR. KURTZ: Ms. Lee-Segal, it would be a good idea for you to leave.



BRANCH: She can stay.



FOX: Really? She can stay? How’s that?



BRANCH: She’s a friend—



FOX: What kind of friend? She is not a friend of this marriage, I’ll guarantee you that.



BRANCH: You’re not in charge now, Bernadette.



FOX: Wait a second, what is that?



LEE-SEGAL: What?



FOX: Sticking out of the bottom of your pants.



LEE-SEGAL: Me? Where?



FOX: It’s a pair of underwear. You’ve got panties sticking out of your jeans!



LEE-SEGAL: Oh—I have no idea how they got there—



FOX: You’re a Seattle-born secretary and you have no place in this house!



DR. KURTZ: Bernadette is right. This is for family only.



LEE-SEGAL: I’m happy to go.



AGENT STRANG: How about I go, too? I’ll be right outside.



(GOOD-BYES AND THE FRONT DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING)



FOX: Please proceed, Captain Kurtz—sorry, Dr. Kurtz.



DR. KURTZ: Bernadette, your aggression toward your neighbor led to the destruction of her home and possible PTSD of thirty children. You have no intention of going to Antarctica. You planned on getting four wisdom teeth removed to prevent it. You willingly turned over personal information to a criminal, which could have led to financial ruin. You are incapable of even the most basic human interaction, relying on an Internet assistant to buy groceries, schedule appointments, and conduct all basic household duties. Your home is worthy of condemnation by the building department, which indicates to me serious depression.



FOX: Are you still “presenting reality” to me? Or can I say something?