Where'd You Go, Bernadette(57)

MALE VOICE: Get ’im!



KURTZ/BRANCH: (PANICKED NOISES)



(WE TURNED TO SEE A MAN IN A LONG COAT STARING AT HIS PHONE)



BRANCH: Who are you?!



DETECTIVE DRISCOLL: Detective Driscoll. Seattle P.D.



FOX: He’s been there the whole time. I passed him on my way in.



DETECTIVE DRISCOLL: Sorry. I got a little excited. Clemson picked off a pass and ran it in. Pretend I’m not here.



DR. KURTZ: Bernadette, Elgin would like to begin by expressing his love for you. Elgin…



BRANCH: What the hell is wrong with you, Bernadette? I thought you were even more upset than I was about those miscarriages. But, really, the whole time all you cared about was some stupid house? What you went through with the Twenty Mile House—I go through shit like that ten times a day at Microsoft. People get over things. It’s called bouncing back. You won a MacArthur grant. Twenty years later you’re still nursing the injustice of a fight you had with some English asshole, a fight you brought upon yourself? Do you realize how selfish and self-pitying that is? Do you?



DR. KURTZ: OK. So. It’s important to acknowledge there’s a lot of hurt. But let’s stay in the here and now. Elgin, why don’t you try expressing your love for Bernadette. You had mentioned what a wonderful mother—



BRANCH: And you’re back there in your Airstream lying to me left and right, outsourcing your life, our lives, to India? Don’t I get a vote in that? You’re afraid of getting seasick when we’re crossing the Drake Passage? There’s a way to deal with it. It’s called a scopolamine patch. You don’t arrange to get four wisdom teeth removed and lie to me and Bee about it. People die getting their wisdom teeth pulled. But you’ll do it just to avoid small talk with strangers? What the hell is Bee going to think when she hears this? And all because you’re a “failure”? How about a wife? How about a mother? What happened to coming to your husband? Why do you have to spill your guts out to some architect you haven’t seen for twenty years? God, you’re sick. You make me sick, and you’re sick.



DR. KURTZ: Another example of love is a hug.



BRANCH: You’ve gone insane, Bernadette. It’s like aliens came down and replaced you with a replica, but the replica is a drag-queen demented version of you. I became so convinced of this that one night while you slept I reached across and felt your elbows. Because I thought, No matter how good they made the replica, they wouldn’t have gotten the pointy elbows right. But there they were, your pointy elbows. You woke up when I did that. Do you remember?



FOX: Yes, I remember.



BRANCH: When I caught myself, I realized, Oh my God, she’s going to take me with her. Bernadette has gone crazy, but I will not let her pull me down with her. I’m a father. I’m a husband. I’m team leader of over 250 people who rely on me, whose families rely on me. I refuse to plunge off the cliff with you.



FOX: (SOUND OF CRYING)



BRANCH: And for this you hate me? You mock me as a simpleton because I love my family? Because I love my job? Because I love books? When did this contempt for me start, Bernadette? Do you have an exact date? Or do you have to check with your Internet assistant who you pay seventy-five cents an hour but is actually the Russian Mafia, who has cashed in all our miles and is heading to Seattle to kill you? Jesus, I have to stop talking!



DR. KURTZ: How about we put a pin in love, and let’s move on to the damage that Bernadette’s behavior has caused.



BRANCH: Are you joking? The damage she has caused?



FOX: I know the damage.



DR. KURTZ: Great. Next is… I forgot what’s next. We covered reality, love, damage…



DETECTIVE DRISCOLL: Don’t look at me.



DR. KURTZ: Let me check my notes.



DETECTIVE DRISCOLL: Is this a good time to ask, is this anyone’s coffee? I put mine down somewhere…



DR. KURTZ: The guarantee of support!



BRANCH: Of course I’ll support you. You’re my wife. You’re Bee’s mother. We’re all lucky there’s a dime left to our names so I can pay for this support.



FOX: I’m sorry, Elgie. I don’t know how I can make it up to you. You’re right, I need help. I’ll do anything. Let’s start by spending time in Antarctica, just the three of us, no computers, no work—



BRANCH: How about you don’t blame this on Microsoft?



FOX: I’m just saying the three of us, our family, without any distractions.



BRANCH: I’m not going to Antarctica with you. I’d throw you overboard the first chance I got.



FOX: Is the trip canceled?



BRANCH: I’d never do that to Bee. She’s been reading books and doing reports on Antarctica for the last year.



FOX: I’m confused, then…



DR. KURTZ: Bernadette, I’d like to suggest that we work together over the next several weeks.



FOX: You’re going on the trip with us? That’s so exotic.