To Have It All(83)
After Kym scurried away, I turned to Helen and Waverly.
“Can I . . . have a few minutes?”
They looked at each other, uncertainty in their eyes, then at me. They didn’t want to leave my side and as shitty as I felt, knowing that made my chest ache—in a good way. I was loved.
“Just a few,” I assured them.
“Of course,” Helen said. “We’ll grab some coffee.”
Waverly kissed my cheek before the two of them walked away, arm in arm. As I watched them disappear down the hall, the one thing that made me feel better when I thought about my likely demise was that they would have each other. Entering the room, I wasn’t surprised to find my body looked worse than it had days before. If I were asked to describe the overall feeling of the room, I would have used the term fucking depressing. Taking a seat beside the bed, I leaned back and stared at my body. It still felt surreal to be in Max’s body while looking at my own. It was crazy to believe that trapped inside the hallowed shell of a body before me, being inflated and deflated like a balloon by a machine, was very likely Max. I wondered if he knew what was happening; if he understood he was in another man’s body.
“Time has run out, Max,” I told him. “We have to pull the plug. Not sure about you, but I’m freaking out a little about it,” I chuckled. Not because it was funny, but because it was better than crying or getting angry.
Standing, I placed my hands on the bed rails and stared at the pale face with sunken eyes, my heart sinking. Was there really any chance my body could go on? With being brain dead and in organ failure, I didn’t think so. “I don’t know what’s going to happen,” I admitted, “but I have a feeling, for some reason, I’m not going to fare well. I swear, Max, if you come out of this alive, back inside your body, you better get your shit together. I’m sorry your childhood was lonely and there were people that let you down, but it’s not an excuse.”
Walking to the window, I stared out. The view was awful, nothing but a brick wall from the other side of the hospital. Seemed fitting from where I stood. Isn’t that where we were? The end? The proverbial brick wall?
“If I survive this,” I grumbled, angrily, mostly because I didn’t believe I would, “I’m going to love that little girl like she was my own, and Waverly and I will be together . . . if she’ll have me.”
Turning back to the bed, I stared down. “That day I saw you . . . the day I saved you . . . you looked like a man that had it all figured out. A man that had it all.” I snorted to myself as I crossed my arms. “I’ve been wondering why this happened to me; what did I do to deserve this, but right now I’m wondering if maybe it was actually about you. Maybe this was meant to teach you something.”
Taking a deep breath, I shook my head. I thought about Max, his life and choices. I thought about Dr. Banahan and the light he had shed on Max’s life.
“I saw your therapist, Max,” I confessed, wondering if he’d feel humiliated knowing another man knew of the things he was most ashamed of. “It wasn’t your fault. Your mother was sick. She took her life because she didn’t know what else to do. I know you’ve been sick, too. I know you figured that out a little too late after you pushed the only woman you ever loved away and disowned your child. It doesn’t make what you did okay, but I understand why it happened.”
“I don’t know if you’re in there, Max,” I continued, “but if you are . . . if you survive this . . . don’t fucking throw it away again. I saved you, man. Don’t end it because you feel unworthy. If you can’t get your shit together, then sign the fucking papers. If you can’t be there for your daughter wholeheartedly, then let her and Waverly go.”
The door creaked open, and Helen peeked inside. “You still need more time?”
“No,” I told her. “Come on in.”
Kym entered behind them with Dr. Malcom, a tall man with gray hair and glasses, who explained the process of taking someone off life support. There were a lot of medical terms used I’d never remember, but I understood what was being explained.
“We’ll give him morphine before we begin extubating, and then every fifteen minutes afterward until his heart stops beating.”
“He won’t just pass after a few minutes?” Waverly asked, her lip trembling. I pulled her to me and held her at my side, wishing like hell I could somehow take this pain from her.
“It could take a few minutes or even up to an hour in some rare cases. You may find he will stop breathing for long periods of time, then suddenly take a breath. He may make strange sounds, more like gurgling. It’s important to understand these are not signs he will survive or wakeup.”
Nodding, I inhaled deeply. Kym stepped forward toward Helen, a clipboard clutched in her arms. “We need you to sign these forms before we can start the procedure.”
Helen blinked a few times as she, with a trembling hand, took the clipboard before glancing at me. “It’s okay, Hel,” I assured her with the most reassuring smile I could muster. “It’s time.”
Helen stepped out into the hall with the nurse and doctor to sign the forms leaving Liam and me alone.
I had tried so damn hard not to cry in front of him all morning, but as I looked up at him, then back to the bed where his body lay practically lifeless, I lost it. The unknown was killing me. Not knowing felt just as soul-shredding as if we knew for sure he would die. The tears broke free so forcefully that I crumpled to the ground into a mess of sobs. Liam fell beside me, scooping me into his arms, holding me tightly as I sobbed.