To Have It All(80)
Finally, I relaxed my hold, and she rose slowly before sliding back down. That was just the beginning. When I’d told her it would take all night, I’d meant it. We were slow as she rode me, then we were fast when I flipped her on the couch and slammed inside of her with her legs over my shoulders. On our sides, on her knees with me behind her, we did it all. At the finish, we were on the floor, my body atop hers, as we kissed. We felt it, the end in sight. We’d been aboard a rocket for hours, but just as rockets must land, we knew we’d have to as well. Grabbing my face in her hands as I slid in and out of her, her voice was raspy with a hint of emotion as she said, “Whatever happens tomorrow, I need you to know right here, right now, I believe you. I need you to know that I love you, Liam.”
“Vroom-vroom,” Pim piped up, waking me from my thoughts. I laughed as I pulled her up and sat her on my lap. Placing her soft little hand on my face, I jerked my head and pretended I was going to bite her. She giggled.
I kissed her forehead, my chest aching. Saying goodbye to her would be just as difficult as saying goodbye to Waverly would be. She had been the first person to like me as Max. She, more than anyone, had every reason to hate him after being abandoned by him, but she was too young to understand what had been done. I got to meet her with a clean slate. It hurt to think what would happen later. Whether Max and I switched back and I died, or we both died, she wouldn’t understand why I was here one day and not the next. I hated that. It was just another example of why all this felt like a punishment. Maybe it was, but I was grateful for every sweet moment with this little girl; the hugs, the giggles, her spaghetti-filled hands smearing across my face. All of it. Every moment had been a gift.
“I don’t know what’s going to happen today,” I murmured quietly, “but just in case, I want you to remember a few things. First, never ride a motorcycle without a helmet. Second, don’t get on a bike with just anyone. Only ride with a guy you know really cares about you.”
Squeezing her, I went on. “In another life, if I were your father, you’d be the baddest little biker chick that ever walked the planet. I’d teach you how to ride and to fix your own ride so you wouldn’t have to rely on any dirty biker guys to help you. Your mother would threaten to kill me for letting you drive a motorcycle.”
My chest ached with that thought. A life with Waverly and Pim; a life where we were a family. A life I felt deep down I would never have. It all seemed so unfair, so cruel. Why the hell was I put here just so I could fall for Waverly and this little girl, only to have it yanked from me? Taking a deep breath, I pushed away the anger that was trying to take hold of me. Getting angry wouldn’t help. It wouldn’t change a thing.
Taking her little hand in mine, I ran my thumb over her soft skin. “You’ve got a tough road ahead of you, little one. You don’t understand what your father did, and when you are finally able to you still won’t really understand. I’m sorry for that because I know you’ll want answers. You’ll want to know why he turned away from you, but sometimes we don’t get answers and the ones we get don’t make anything better. Some people are just broken. Your father is one of those people. Even though none of his actions have proven it, I think he wished he could’ve been in your life. He just didn’t know how.”
Pim rested her head against my chest as I spoke. I knew she couldn’t understand what I was saying, but I said it anyway. I don’t know why. Maybe it was more for me than her.
“Thank you, Pim,” I whispered to her, fighting the knot in my throat. Damn, I hated this. I hated having to say goodbye because we didn’t know for sure what would happen. I wanted to blame the steroid withdrawals for my emotion, but I knew better. The symptoms had lessened significantly over the past few days. My heart was twisted in my chest as I held Pim. Withdrawals definitely weren’t the cause. This was real, this was me, Liam, saying goodbye to a little girl that I wished was mine. She was mine. At least, to me she was. I didn’t care who helped make her, how her genetic makeup was pieced together, in my heart she was my daughter and always would be.
“I want you to know you made my last days on this earth better than any of the days before I met you.” My breath shuddered as I fought to keep it steady. “Thank you for that, little sweetheart. I love you.”
Pim sat up and stared up at me. “Okay, Liam?” she garbled. I chuckled hoarsely, her question warming my heart and breaking it at the same time. She was checking on me, making sure I was all right. How could someone so little cause me such intense heartbreak?
A sob broke out of nowhere, and I jerked my head. Helen stood several feet away, her face wet with tears. I’d unlocked the door when she’d texted earlier saying she was on the way so she wouldn’t have to knock and wake Waverly.
“Oh Liam,” she gasped. “This is so unfair.”
Clearing my throat, I struggled to gain my composure. I had a long day ahead of me, and these women needed me to be strong, to be the rock. If it all ended for me that day, that’s what I wanted to give them.
“Come here, Helen,” I told her. She practically flew to me and sat beside me. We sat back on the couch, and I held her and Pim as Helen sobbed. Even for such a young age, Pimberly seemed to understand that something big was happening. She would pat Helen’s arm and gurgle something that sounded like, “it’s okay,” and when Helen continued to cry she tried peek-a-boo to cheer her up. Through the tears and sobs, Helen did laugh.