To Have It All(87)
My mind tore apart her last words in milliseconds. “Was?” I croaked, the blood draining from my face.
Her eyes drew together as she met my stare with a regretful gaze. “Max wants to die. I’m afraid I’ve failed.”
I didn’t bother to argue with her anymore. I couldn’t. Bolting out of the room like a mad woman, I sprinted to the stairwell. By the time I made it to the first floor and into the emergency department where they’d taken Max, I was out of breath, heaving for air. A petite blonde nurse was just exiting the double doors that led to the triage area, not noticing me as she stared at some papers in her hand.
“Ma’am,” she yelled as I sprinted by her, but I didn’t stop. There was no time. Several nurses and a doctor stopped in their tracks and watched me as I stopped and jerked my gaze around trying to spot Max. To my right was a room where what appeared to be several doctors and nurses were huddled around a bed, yelling medical terms at each other. When I caught sight of Max’s face, I flew into the room and hopped on the bed.
Grabbing Max’s shoulders, I shook him. “You better live, goddammit!” I yelled, my words hitching on sobs. My hands ached I was grasping him so tightly. “Don’t take him from me, Max! Don’t, please, I’m begging you.” Hands grabbed at me everywhere, trying to pull me off of him, but I clung to him tighter. “Max, please,” I begged. “You have to live so he can! Live, please. Don’t take him from us, Max.”
When they finally tore me away, and I was dragged out of the room, my body went limp as I wailed.
“He’s crashing!” someone shouted. The hands holding me were suddenly gone, and I twisted my neck as my ears throbbed with the sounds of loud beeps from the monitors.
“Push one epi!” someone shouted.
I couldn’t move.
I couldn’t breathe.
Max was going to die.
Max was dying.
I’d never run so fast in my life. I’m positive if I’d been timed I’d have qualified for some kind of world record. By the time I stumbled into Liam’s room, I was gulping for air. Pearl was gone. Which was probably good because I probably would’ve pummeled her if she’d been there. My chest heaving up and down, I took his hand and gasped through my tears, my throat burning, “I’m here, Liam.”
He made a wheezing sound as he sucked in a shallow breath. Agnal breathing Kym had called it—the long periods of not breathing followed by inhaling a short breath, but I knew he felt me. At least I told myself that. Glancing at the clock, I realized forty minutes had passed since they’d extubated him. I knew we didn’t have much longer—maybe only minutes. Where was Helen? A part of me wanted to rush out and find her, but what if Liam died while I was gone. I couldn’t risk it. I was losing him. Lowering the bed railing, I lay beside him, gently resting my head on his shoulder. I tried hard to slow my breathing, but crying wasn’t helping. Laying my hand on his chest, I felt how thin and frail he was, the bones of his chest and ribs prevalent. My heart ached when I thought about the long and bumpy road that led him here. The nights of sleeping on hard benches and cold sidewalks, the days of hunger and hopelessness. Still, he gave all he had, the only thing he had—his life—to a man that just threw it all away. Liam didn’t deserve this. Not one bit. If what was happening to him was karma, as Pearl had said, then karma could go and fuck itself. “I want to beg you not to go,” I rasped. “but I know you’d stay if you could.” Taking his limp hand in mine, I raised it to my mouth and kissed it again. I had no idea how I’d walk out of this room after he was gone. The thought felt like the most real version of hell I could think of. “If you need to let go, Liam,” I wept, warm tears leaking from my eyes, “you can.”
Sitting up, I slid the oxygen mask from his face and lay it on his lap. “I love you,” I whispered as I stroked his cheek. “I will always love you.” Pressing my mouth to his dry, brittle lips, I kissed him softly. It was the only kiss I’d have with him; the real physical him. Laying back beside him, placing my head over his heart, I closed my eyes as I took his hand again and hung on each beat of his heart. When I heard the door open, I opened my eyes to find Kym entering the room, her brow furrowed as she looked from me to the monitors. Inspecting the machines, she turned back to Liam and pulled her stethoscope from her neck.
“I’m sorry to ask this, Ma’am, but I need you to get up.”
Slipping off the bed, I stood as she placed the oxygen mask back over Liam’s mouth and nose, before placing the stethoscope on his chest. She blinked rapidly as she listened and looked back at the monitors.
“What’s wrong?” I croaked. Was this it? Had he died and I hadn’t even realized it as I lay there beside him?
She didn’t answer me, as she moved to the door and opened it. Sticking her head out she yelled to the nurse’s station, “Page Doctor Malcom. I need him now.” As she walked back in, Helen rushed in behind her, wild-eyed and pale. “What is it?” she choked out. “Is he gone?”
A young man I knew had to be her son because he looked exactly like her with his red hair, bolted in as well. “Calm down, Mom,” he murmured, placing his hands on her shoulders.
“I need you all to step outside for a moment,” Kym told us, not bothering to make eye contact.