To Have It All(12)

My mouth dropped open, my heart feeling as if it had thunked to the floor next to my shoes. Our romance had been quick, a whirlwind really, but it had seemed like a fairytale to me. I thought he’d felt the same. Hadn’t he?

“I don’t understand,” I choked out. “I know it’s soon, but . . . we’re married. We conceived on our honeymoon. It’s kind of romantic if you think about it.”

Again, he laughed, the sound laced with disdain. He thought I was ridiculous.

I could barely form words and what words I managed to squeak out, Max wasn’t hearing. So I sat quietly, waiting. He obviously needed a few moments to process the news.

“I’ll make you an appointment with a clinic tomorrow,” he finally spoke, his gaze fixated on something to the side of me. “I’ll pay for everything. It’s still early so it shouldn’t be a problem.”

Could someone knock you off your feet from simply using words? I’m positive if I hadn’t been sitting, I’d have crumbled to the ground. I was speechless. I was in shock.

“I have to get out of here,” Max muttered. At the door, he grabbed his suit jacket. “I’ll text you with the appointment information in the morning.” When the door shut, I sat frozen, my mind physically locking me in place.

He didn’t want our baby.

What in the hell was I going to do?

I’d tried so hard to work things out with him at the time. I’d obliterated my pride and dignity. I had tried so hard, but it never swayed him. Not even a little. He had rejected Pim and me, and never looked back. And now that I had finally moved past it all and had accepted he wouldn’t be a part of our lives, he refused to sign the papers. It didn’t make sense. The lack of control I had over it infuriated me, and when I couldn’t unleash my the rage I felt, my anger and hurt turned into tears. Every. Damn. Time.

As I climbed the stairs to my bedroom, I glanced at a few of the photos hanging on the wall of Matt and me as kids. In the world of siblings, my sibling won first prize. When things fell apart with Max and me, Matt took me in and helped raise Pim since the day she was born. He’d be such an excellent father one day, and for all intents and purposes, he’s one now to Pim. He’s the only father-figure she’s ever known. Matt shared in all the work, the sleepless nights, the diaper changes, the feedings, and so much more. I couldn’t even imagine Max changing a diaper. He’d probably need a hazmat suit before he’d even think about doing it.

Peeking in Pimberly’s room at the top of the stairs, I could see her through the crib railings from the doorway. Her little mouth was shaped into a pout and she was snoring faintly. She was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. It broke my heart she had a father that didn’t want her; that chose to miss out on this amazing little person because he was selfish. Because a baby and the work in raising one was too much for him; would cramp his style. I smiled a little, the hurt fading slightly, imagining his face if Pim spit up on one of his dress shirts or spilled juice on his fancy couch. I’m sure all his dates he brought home would love the fingerprints and smudges all over his glass and windows.

And that’s when it hit me—an epiphany. A wide grin spread across my tear dampened face as a plan began to formulate in my mind.

“Don’t worry, baby girl,” I whispered. “He’s going to sign those papers . . . one way or another.”

Closing her door, I headed to my room with my chin up. Matt was right. I’d have to push Max. And I knew just how to do it.





After Waverly left, I had two more drinks and an order of steak fries. I read through the paperwork, still lost as to what to do. Legal documents were not my forte, but I was smart enough to know what I was reading. Max signing these documents would abolish any rights or claim he had to his daughter. I wondered if Max had really thought this through when he said he’d sign them. I just couldn’t imagine doing it . . . Giving up my kid? I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night knowing my child was out in the world somewhere believing I didn’t want them. I could choose to sign or not sign the papers. Or, I could do nothing. That seemed to be the choice I was leaning toward—doing nothing. At least for now.

On the way back to Max’s apartment, I took the long way, hoping to find Pearl. Since the day we’d met, I’d always made it a point to find her and check in with her. I knew most of her usual spots, but sometimes she switched it up, or found a shelter to crash in for the night. I found her off Broadway leaned against the wall of a store. With her cardboard sign propped up beside her, she held her cup up as people passed by and called, “God bless you,” to each of them. No one put anything in her cup; hell, they didn’t even look at her.

As much as Pearl actually needed money, the cardboard sign sitting beside her didn’t ask for it.

Missing.





Black Cat With Yellow Eyes.


And under the writing, she’d drawn a picture of a black cat that looked like it’d been created by a kindergartener. From a distance, I watched her for a moment. I wanted to talk to her so badly like we usually did, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t me anymore . . . at least not physically. A feeling of powerlessness consumed me making me want to hit something. How was I supposed to do this? Was I supposed to give up all the people I loved and cared about? Just forget about them? How was I supposed to be Max Porter?