Tiny Habits: The Small Changes That Change Everything(75)

Step 1: Find a container that can serve as a temporary trash bin.



Step 2: Set the new bin in your workspace in a different spot from the bin you typically use.



Step 3: Tell yourself to use the new bin instead of the usual bin.



Step 4: When prompted to discard or recycle something, use the new bin, not the old one. In the beginning, you probably won’t completely switch to using the new bin. To make the shift happen faster, go to step 5.



Step 5: Rehearse using the new bin seven to ten times and include a celebration each time. Feel Shine.



Step 6: As you go back to work, observe what happens with your new habit. Noticing how your habit shifts—what it feels like to swap a habit—is the point of this exercise.



Note: If you forget to use the new bin, do more rehearsals of the new habit with celebrations. (After a few days of practicing your habit swap, go back to your old habit if you want to.)





Chapter 8



How We Change Together





Mike and Carla felt trapped.

Their son was twenty-one, living at home, and struggling to meet even the smallest demands of adulthood. After Chris bombed out of university at eighteen, they figured he would find a job or get back on track with school. But he didn’t. Despite all their financial and emotional support, Chris never seemed to get out of his own way. Though he had a part-time job, his inability to do basic things like pick up after himself, pay his bills, and get along with his younger brother created a tension that was suffocating everyone in the house.

The longer Chris stayed at home, the worse Mike’s relationship with him got. Chris was aloof and distant at best, and in the worst of times, he lashed out in anger. Attempting to get Chris to clean up or do his dishes would set off a weeklong cascade of nagging and outbursts as predictable as they were infuriating. Mike would start off with a simple request that Chris tidy his room, which got ignored for days. He’d ask again, a bit more demanding. His son would say something to the effect of Yeah, yeah, I’ll do it. But he never did.

Unfortunately, Mike’s home office was right next to Chris’s bedroom so Mike frequently saw the utter chaos in his son’s room and thought, My son doesn’t listen to me; he doesn’t respect the space he’s in or appreciate what I do for him. He doesn’t care. Then Mike would read Chris the riot act and demand that he live by the house rules, find a better job, respect their belongings, and pay his bills on time so they didn’t have to float him even bigger loans to pay the late fees. After this, Chris would storm off and ultimately not clean his room (or do anything else he was asked). He’d put on his headphones and play video games with people halfway across the world instead.

Mike and Chris wouldn’t exchange more than a few words for days, sometimes weeks. An undercurrent of hostility and disappointment swirled around every interaction. And Mike began wishing that he didn’t work from home. And when Mike’s other son was prompted to clean his room, he would respond, “Why do I have to? Chris doesn’t.”

That was usually when Mike would put on his running shoes, burst out the front door at a full sprint, and fantasize about never coming back.

When they did manage to get Chris to join the family for dinner, Mike looked at his son across the table and felt a desperate sadness. And no small amount of guilt. Chris had been born when Mike and Carla were in their first year of university. They didn’t know what the heck they were doing, and he had basically grown up alongside them. Chris was always a special kid. He understood everything like an adult and joined their conversations. Chris went to classes, dinner parties, and on road trips with Mike and Carla. They felt lucky that he was such a bright little guy. Yet he’d have these angry outbursts that perplexed them even back then, and he’d often act out or be unable to control himself.

Chris did predictably well in school. All he had to do was show up, which ultimately worked against him in other areas. Because what Chris didn’t learn was a set of skills as necessary as math and English. Mike had tried to tell Chris that life was about more than grades, that it was about interacting with others, having a work ethic, showing up reliably, and being accountable—all things that Chris struggled with mightily.

Chris’s intellectual capacity had always outstripped his emotional capability. It took several years of family therapy for Mike to realize that Chris felt things deeply and didn’t have the right tools to deal with that. Even though Mike knew Chris’s coldness and distance were defense mechanisms, they still hurt—partly because Mike wanted to be close to his son and partly because Mike felt he had failed as a father to help Chris manage his emotions better.

And now look where they were.

Out of options.

Living at a cool distance in painful tension.

Mike and Carla’s marriage was becoming increasingly strained. They had been on the same page at first. They had gone to counseling, tried incentives, and come up with an elaborate plan based on books they had read, but nothing had worked. And now they were at odds about what to do next. Should they kick him out? Carla was wavering, but Mike kept reminding her what had happened in high school when they had backed off—Chris had started working for the mob. Literally. His all-boys private school was populated by an unusually high number of mafioso progeny, so when Chris became a “messenger” for a friend’s father, Mike knew exactly what was going on. He and Carla pulled Chris out of that school, but now they were afraid that Chris would fall back on what was easy (and lucrative). That’s what made Mike and Carla feel trapped—you can’t punish a twenty-one-year-old; you can only kick him out—and if you don’t feel as if you can do that, what option is left? How do you get your adult son to help himself? To change? Chris was a good person, funny and insightful, and Mike knew that his son could do something special with his life. He also knew that Chris didn’t want to be living with his parents. He wanted his own place, his own life—he just didn’t know how to get there.