They Wish They Were Us(89)

His grip is still strong, but his knees unclench just a bit. He wants to let it out. I can feel it.

“But then, I gave her those earrings, the same ones Kara had that she was so obsessed with. Shaila told me it was too much.” The anger builds in his eyes again. “She couldn’t do it to Graham anymore. She couldn’t do it to Rachel. She told me I wasn’t worth it. That she didn’t want to hurt you, her best friend, more than she already had. That you were in love with me, as if I couldn’t already tell.” His mouth curls in a sad little frown, like I’m some pathetic little child who needs his pity. “The guilt was eating her alive and we had to stop.”

I want to spit in his face and rip his skin with my teeth. I want to show him who’s a little girl with a crush now. But I bite my lip and wait for him to continue. I need him to press on. I steel myself for what’s next.

“I told her she was making a mistake, but she insisted. I was still so fucking mad on initiation. When it came time to pick pops, I chose Ocean Cliff for her. I was never going to make her actually jump. I just thought we could have a little time alone and, you know, make up. But when we got there . . .” He pauses and sucks in a puff of air through his teeth. “She rejected me. Again.”

Adam looks me dead in the eyes.

“You know what she did?” he asks. “She laughed at me. I tried to kiss her one last time and she laughed.” Adam lets out a snort. “That stupid laugh of hers, all deep and raspy, like I was an idiot for even trying. So I told her to just jump so we could get it over with and go back to the group. She refused. She said she was smarter than that. That she’d die and it wasn’t worth it.”

Adam shakes his head.

“But I needed her to do it. I wanted to see the fear in her eyes. I said we couldn’t leave until she did it and then she started walking away. She said, ‘You’re not the boss of me,’ like a petulant toddler. And so I grabbed her arm and . . . pulled.”

Tears stream from my face. I can picture this all so easily.

“It must have been too hard. She stumbled back into a pile of driftwood and just fucking lost it. She shoved me. So I shoved her back, right up against those rocks, and then I heard her head crack. Something inside me just . . . snapped. Next thing I know she was lying on the sand near a puddle of sea water. There was so much blood everywhere. I panicked. I started running. It wasn’t long before I found Graham wandering around like a drunk baby, totally blackout. He had cut himself on some glass in the house, I guess, and was covered in blood. It was almost too easy. I pointed him in the direction of Ocean Cliff and told him to find Shaila. When I got back, I went looking for Jake. Then . . . well, you know.” His eyes soften as he continues. “I told everyone Shay went to take a shower, but when she and Graham didn’t come back, Rachel and Tina got nervous. So I called the cops and told them I saw Graham covered in blood by the cliff with Shaila. That was that. They arrested him on the spot. And when he confessed, no one thought otherwise.”

He’s relaxed now, comforted by his own admission. Relieved, almost.

“So that’s it,” I say, trying to temper the vibration in my voice.

“That’s it. I’ve had to live with this for three whole years,” he says, like he can’t believe he’s actually done something this heinous, like I should feel sorry for him for having to carry around this weight. My insides curdle.

“You fucking piece of shit,” I say. My fury mixes with a hollow shade of forgiveness. Shaila felt bad. She wanted it to stop. I wish I could hug her now and tell her it’s okay.

I open my mouth again but before I can speak, Adam’s eyes dart up behind me and his mouth drops open. She’s here. It’s time.

“You’re so done,” Rachel says. I inhale deeply, letting the air fill my lungs. My muscles tense, waiting for Adam to move, to finally let me go.

But I don’t expect what happens next. He releases me and in one swift motion leaps to his feet, colliding with Rachel in a crunch so hard I wince.

“No!” I yell. But it’s no use. She’s already crumpled on the sand, curled into a ball next to a pile of dried seaweed. She’s nearly motionless.

Rachel moans and I hear Adam’s foot make contact with her stomach. Oof.

“You’re not going to ruin me,” he yells, bringing his foot back again and again and kicking her over and over. Sand flies in a cloud around them.

“Stop!” I yell. I push myself to stand and stumble over to them, my vision blurry with fear. I have to do something, anything to make this all stop.

My hands are shaking and I grab at Adam, a final plea. He knows me. He’ll forgive me. He’ll stop this.

But instead, he turns to me, with fury in his eyes and a vein throbbing in his neck.

“Adam, please,” I whisper. “Let us go.”

He bends at the waist and I think finally, finally this will be over. He’s giving up. Then Adam lunges at me with something cold and heavy and so, so big.

In one sharp crack, my world explodes, then collapses into dust. The stars fall out of the sky and I taste iron on my tongue. I’m back on the sand. I can’t move. My vision narrows to a single point and I try to find Adam in front of the murky sea. But I only hear his voice one last time.

“Oh no.”

Then everything goes black.