The Gentleman's Guide to Vice and Virtue (Guide #1)(28)
“You must be Mo,” Cash said.
Chapter Seven
TRUTH-SHAMING
As Topher drove through town toward Interstate 55, he spent more time looking at Cash in the rearview mirror than at the road ahead. Sam sat beside him in the front while Joey and Mo shared the backseat, and none of them could take their eyes off their surprise guest, either. They expected the sound of their alarm clocks to wake them from a dream at any moment. However, the strange alternative reality was never interrupted. This was real life!
“So… Downers Grove, huh?” Cash said as the community passed by his window. “What exactly goes on in Downers Grove?”
The actor was stretched out across the very back of the station wagon, using the others’ luggage as oversized pillows. Everyone knew it was against the law for him to be without a seat belt, but none of them were about to reprimand their favorite television star.
“Absolutely nothing,” Joey said.
“Gotcha. It’s kind of a bummer name for a town. Is it named after someone in particular or is there an Uppers Cove nearby?”
“It was named after Pierce Downer,” Sam said. “He was an evangelist who founded the town in 1832. At least that’s what a plaque at the post office says.”
“Solid fact, Sam,” Cash said. “I can’t tell if it looks more like the location of a Hallmark movie or a slasher film.”
“Why are you with us?” Mo blurted out. She had been holding it in since they got in the car and couldn’t contain it anymore. “Sorry, that came out wrong. I’m glad you’re here, but what possessed you to join four strangers on a road trip?”
“Well, I’ve never been on a real road trip before and thought it’d be fun,” Cash said. “Besides, it’s a nice way to get to know some of my biggest fans a little better, say thank you, give back—all that shit. By the way, don’t post anything on the Internet about me being with you or we’ll get trailed by all the Wizzers in the Midwest.”
“Copy that,” Topher said. “Thanks again for joining us. We’re going to remember this forever. It’s the coolest thing that’s ever happened to—”
“Do you guys mind if I smoke in here?” Cash asked.
The request took Topher off guard. “Um… actually, this is my mom’s car, so—”
Sam elbowed Topher in the ribs and shot him a look that said, Shut your mouth or I’ll slit your throat with my pinkie nail.
“Yeah, it’s totally fine,” Sam said.
Cash searched his pockets and found a pack of cigarettes in his jacket and a lighter in his jeans. He also found condoms, a joint, and matches from a strip club, but tucked those away before the others saw them.
“Mind opening your window for me, Mo?” he asked. “I don’t want to fumigate you guys with secondhand smoke.”
Mo rolled it down but looked slightly disturbed about it.
“Something wrong?” Cash asked her.
“No, I just didn’t know you were a smoker,” she said as if it were a derogatory term. “It’s really bad for you, you know.”
“WHAT?” Cash laughed as he lit his first cigarette. “Since when? Who told you that?”
“You did,” Mo said. “In a D.A.R.E. video we watched in the fifth grade, you said smoking kills and then taught us the anti-addiction dance with a man dressed in a lion costume.”
Cash took a long drag of his cigarette and nodded as the memory returned to him.
“Oh yeah,” he said. “Ironically, that lion was wasted the whole shoot. He kept a flask in his snout.”
Mo’s mouth dropped open like a child learning the truth about Santa Claus.
“So what’s it like being famous?” Joey asked. “I’m sure you get asked that question all the time, but I’d love to know.”
“It fucking sucks,” Cash moaned.
“Really?” Joey asked. It was not the answer he was expecting. “But isn’t it wonderful to have such a big following and to mean so much to so many people?”
“That’s not fame, that’s respect,” Cash said. “Fame is the complete opposite of respect. Fame is getting interrupted every time you have a meal—it’s getting asked favors by complete strangers whenever you step outside—it’s getting asked advice on how to break into the industry from the guy taking a dump in the stall next to you—it’s getting criticized by the whole world and never getting to defend yourself!”
Cash closed his eyes, slowly exhaled a long gust of smoke, and counted to ten to calm himself down. The others looked at the actor like he had momentarily transformed into a werewolf.
“Sorry about that,” he said. “I didn’t mean to go all Black Swan so soon after meeting you. I just hate that our society values it so much. It’s like, plant a fucking tree, you know?”
Joey made a mental note not to bring up the subject again.
“So… what’s it like being respected?”
“Oh, it makes fame worth it,” Cash said cheerfully. “It’s not like either comes with a handbook or anything. I think not being able to separate the two is why so many celebrities struggle with it. But I’m not a fucking psychologist.”