The Gentleman's Guide to Vice and Virtue (Guide #1)(27)

“Howdy,” the passenger said. “Are one of you guys Topher Collins?”

Topher, Joey, and Sam went numb from head to toe. They couldn’t feel, they couldn’t think, they couldn’t even breathe—all they could do was stare at the newcomer as if he were Bigfoot.

“Holy fuckballs.” Joey gasped. “You’re Cash Carter.”

Cash eyed the paralyzed trio over his sunglasses.

“Yup, this is definitely it,” he announced.

It took them a few moments to realize who he was because Cash looked nothing like the nerdy quantum physics expert he played on television, but more like a modern James Dean. His hair was messy, he had stubble and poor posture. Without the benefits of a well-lit set, for the first time they noticed his pores, the lines on his forehead, and a hint of crow’s-feet.

“Thanks for the lift, Larry,” Cash said. “Sorry it was scheduled on such short notice.”

The driver popped the trunk and handed Cash a black backpack with golden zippers. The actor slipped his driver some money and shook his hand.

“No problem at all, Mr. Carter,” Larry said. “Enjoy your trip and let us know next time you’re in the Chicago area.”

Larry returned to the driver’s seat and drove off, leaving Cash alone in the presence of three very still, quiet, and bewildered teenagers.

“No, you’re not dreaming—I’m really here,” Cash said playfully, but still didn’t get a response out of them. “Oh come on, you can’t be that surprised to see me. You did invite me, after all.”

“Yes—we did! I mean—I d-d-did!” Topher stuttered. “I’m Topher Collins. It is such a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Carter.”

Topher stepped forward and shook Cash’s hand so aggressively he almost broke it.

“That’s quite a handshake you’ve got,” Cash said.

“Oh shit, I’m sorry!” Topher said. “Forgive us, but we’re kind of freaking out right now. I hoped you might come, but I didn’t expect you’d actually show up. Wait—you’re not here because you think I’m dying, right? I hope no one told you I was sick or something, because I’m perfectly healthy.”

Cash shrugged. “Nope, I’m here totally of my own volition,” he said. “Joining a bunch of strangers on a road trip isn’t something I make a hobby out of, but I figured, why the fuck not? You only live once. Unless you’re a Buddhist, then you come back a couple times, apparently—just something I read on the plane. Reincarnation, they call it. Are these the friends you wrote about?”

Joey and Sam sheepishly stepped forward to greet him.

“Hello, sir,” Sam said, and bowed like he was approaching royalty. “My name is Sam. Can I just say, it is an honor and a privilege to be in your presence—an honor and a privilege.”

“I’m Joey—Joey Davis,” he said, unsure of what to do with his hands. “Big fan, man. Big fan!”

“That’ll change once you get to know me,” Cash said with a wink. “Is this all of us? Aventura de cuatro amigos?”

“We’re still waiting for our friend Mo,” Topher said. “She’s running a few minutes late, but she always does. Not that she’s a bad person or anything—that’s not what I meant to imply! She’s going to lose her goddamn mind when she sees you.”

“Sorry I was running a little late myself,” Cash apologized. “I was in Santa Clara for the Wiz Kids convention and booked the first flight I could get to Chicago.”

“I’m glad you got a ticket,” Topher said. “What airline?”

“Oh, I don’t do airlines anymore,” Cash said. “I fly private. It’s pricey but beats having to take my shoes off in public, you know what I mean?”

The thought made Sam squeal excitedly, as if he’d said he had flown a dragon.

“Is this our chariot?” Cash asked, and nodded to the car.

He went to the station wagon and walked around it in a circle, like he was inspecting a car for sale.

“Yeah, sorry,” Topher said with a nervous laugh. “I’m sure it’s not what you’re used to—”

“Is that real wood on the sides?” Cash said. “Huh, I’ve seen these kinds of cars in John Hughes movies, but I didn’t think they still existed. This is gonna be an adventure.”

“You can say that again,” Joey peeped.

They heard wheels rolling down the sidewalk nearby. Mo appeared a moment later, pulling her large pink suitcase behind her and carrying a large pink cardboard box.

“Hey!” Topher said. “Boy, do we have something cool to tell—”

“I’m sorry I’m late, but you guys aren’t going to believe what happened to me this morning,” Mo said. “I was halfway here when I realized I hadn’t packed a swimsuit, so I had to turn around and go home. I walked into my bedroom and saw Peaches had taken a huge dump in the middle of my bed, so I had to clean it up and put my comforter in the washer. Then, on my way back, I realized I was starving and figured since I was late anyway I would stop and get doughnuts at the corner store for us to snack on… Why are you all looking at me like I have mouth herpes?”

Her friends were shocked she hadn’t noticed Cash yet. They nodded toward him and when Mo’s eyes finally landed on the actor it only took a second for it to sink in. She dropped the box of doughnuts and let out a scream so loud dogs could hear it in Indiana.