The Gentleman's Guide to Vice and Virtue (Guide #1)(24)
Joey had only downloaded ManNip the night before and couldn’t believe he had already been messaged. He had created a fake profile using the name Jay Davison, who he said was a twenty-two-year-old Anthropology student at Northwestern University in Chicago. He had uploaded photos of his torso, cropping his head out except in pictures taken at a great distance so no one could recognize him.
His stomach filled with butterflies as he pulled up the messages a guy named Brian K had sent him.
Hey sexy!
Saw you were going to be in Oklahoma City tomorrow night.
I’ve been here since Thursday for a job.
Wanna meet up?
Joey scanned through Brian K’s profile before responding. He seemed tall, had really big arms, and a very bright smile. Brian claimed to be a twenty-eight-year-old architect from San Diego and had several pictures of himself in a hard hat with blueprints at construction sites to prove it. Joey knew people weren’t always truthful on hookup apps (he being one of them), but Brian was pretty convincing.
After fifteen different drafts, Joey responded to Brian’s message.
Hi, Brian.
Would love to meet up.
Just name the time and the place.
A strong surge of nerves went through Joey’s core like a train speeding past a metro platform. He had never even talked to another gay guy before and here he was, mapping out his first sexual experience. It gave him a thrill, like he had successfully robbed a bank.
Of course, he knew having sex or being gay wasn’t against the law (well, at least not anymore) but Joey had been programmed since birth to believe both were major sins. According to Pastor Jeb’s sermons at church, Joey was most definitely going to burn in hell for giving in to his homosexual urges. But if his father was accurate about all his condemnations, hell sounded like an awfully crowded place.
Perhaps God had changed his mind about gay people to save space?
Joey could picture the scene as if it was from a movie: God (played by Ian McKellen) walked into a long boardroom in heaven and was joined by Moses (played by Denzel Washington) and Jesus (played by Idris Elba).
“Boys, I’ve changed my mind about the homosexuals,” God said. “Perhaps acting out the physical urges they’re born with is not as bad as committing murder, rape, and theft. I don’t think they deserve to go to hell and I regret ever implying it.”
“I think that’s a great decision,” Moses said. “We’ve been getting some complaints that hell is maxed to capacity. We weren’t sure how to respond because, you know, it’s supposed to be hell.”
“I couldn’t agree more, Dad,” Jesus said. “I’ve said from the beginning that I love everyone. The message has gotten mixed up over the years, but it’s not too late to remind people.”
“Then it’s settled,” God said. “We’ll start by making the gay men remarkably attractive and the lesbian women capable of absolutely everything so everyone knows they have my blessing. The gay people will teach the rest of the world how to have fun, slowly winning them over, until there’s acceptance and marriage equality in every country on earth.”
“What about the people who still believe it’s against your will?” Moses asked. “Trust me, I know how stubborn people can be when it comes to change.”
God thought about it for a moment, and then came up with a great answer.
“We’ll make the gay community so accepting of every race, culture, and nationality, it’ll be obvious they’re representing me,” he said.
“But what if people choose to look past that?” Jesus asked. “I had some trouble convincing them I was representing you, too, remember?”
God scratched his beard and pondered that for a moment.
“I’ve got it,” he said. “We’ll make it very common for the people who discriminate against gay people to ignore the signs of global warming, inherently making homophobes responsible for ruining the planet. No one will want to side with them and gay people will finally be accepted by all.”
“Terrific!” Jesus said. “That should do the trick!”
“Fantastic plan,” Moses said. “That’s why you’re God.”
The scene was projected frequently at the theater inside Joey’s mind, but it was a show his family would never buy tickets to. No matter how much the world changed, the Davises and their church refused to evolve with it. Even as other churches and denominations moved forward, the congregation of Naperville First Baptist proudly held their gearshift on reverse.
The people in Joey’s life were so offensive and vocal with their disdain for homosexuality, he worried he’d drown in the shame and guilt their words caused him. Other times, he was almost thankful for their honesty. Knowing he would never be accepted meant he never had to torture himself with the question of acceptance.
Luckily, Joey never had to worry about the truth slipping out like most gay teens did. Being the son of a pastor may have given him a mountain of issues, but it also gave him the perfect front when he needed one. Over the years he had become a master at dodging questions and changing subjects, and on the rare occasion he couldn’t deflect, he just blamed all his sexual reluctance, reservations, and ignorance on his family’s faith.
Joey had also become a master at suppressing his physical desires. He’d known he was gay since middle school but put off the idea of fooling around with another guy like it was a trip he’d take someday in the future; sex was something for the bucket list, not his immediate agenda. It was increasingly difficult to postpone the older he got and the stronger his hormones became. His sexual urges were no different from other guys his age—it was like a big horny Hulk was caged inside of him, desperate to be unleashed. But unlike his straight peers who made jokes and talked about it constantly to relieve the pressure, any outlet Joey used would only lead to suspicion.