The Contradiction of Solitude(86)

He tasted like he smelled.

Like an ending.

Mine.

His.

This.

I fit myself into the curve of his arm, feeling the steady beat of his heart beneath my ear as I lay against his chest.

Thud. Thud. Thud.

Now. Now. Now.

I closed my eyes, my throat feeling suddenly and uncomfortably tight.

“Be with me, Layna. Stay with me here, in our house at the cursed quarry. Let’s vanquish the ghosts and build a life. Together. I don’t want to be anywhere or do anything unless it’s with you.”

Thud. Thud. Thud.

Now. Now. Now.

His eyes, for just a brief second, danced as they used to. His words were so firm. This was the Elian that had been missing for weeks.

I hated him for this glimpse of the man that he used to be. The mask he had worn. For awhile. In his lies that drew me in.

I hated him!

Then the anger faded, and I was left with a contentment that only he could give me.

Only he could give me.

“You’re my purpose, Elian,” I whispered, knowing he’d never understand. He didn’t need to.

I saw the blood.

And the pretty, pretty green eyes.

I heard the screams.

My head was full of them.

And they’d never be quiet.

I had accepted that a long time ago.

Remembering had set me free. It was the last, missing piece.

Connected.

“And you’re mine, Layna. You were made for me,” Elian said with complete and total sincerity.

I believed him. Because I knew in his heart it was true. His faithful, loving heart.

“Maybe we could leave. We could go anywhere. Start over. A new life. Away from the past and everything we’ve learned.” He was desperate.

As though he knew.

It was too late.

“It’s time to start a new life,” I agreed, handing him some of my truth.

Elian’s arms tightened around me, his heart drowning out the screams in my head.

He took my words as agreement.

In my touch he found his future.

He never saw what lay just beyond the guise.

He never would.

Until it was too late.

“Then let’s go. Let’s pack our bags. Tonight. Let’s ride off into the sunset. Let’s leave all of this behind us. And one day we can come back. When we’re ready. To where it all began.” His hand waved out in front of him.

Where it all began.

Not here. Not in this reprieve from the darkness.

This wasn’t where it began. These were the final words in this chapter.

Tomorrow would be a new page. Fresh words. New characters.

Elian kept his heart in an iron cage. He surrounded it with barbed wire and poisonous thorns. He had been hurt. Ravaged. His mind violated by memories he could never erase.

But he tried. He ran away. He left everything behind.

He learned to tuck his feelings inside and pretend they weren’t there. He just needed someone to claim him. To make him theirs.

To send him to the stars.

I bit down on my bottom lip, my teeth piercing soft, pliable flesh. Copper bitterness filled my mouth.

I remained silent and Elian wasn’t bothered by it. He never was.

He accepted me.

The parts he knew.

The parts he loved.

“Where’s my phone? It’s ringing, ” Elian said, looking around, patting his pockets. I smiled. Relieved that this made it easier. For him.

For me it was already easy.

“They can leave a message,” I murmured, kissing his downturned mouth. Tasting his delusions that were so ingrained in who had become.

“I can’t live in death’s shadow anymore, Layna. I need to move on. I have to. Her death has become the single focus of my life. I just can’t—” He shook his head, a little distressed. He ran his hands down his face, nails scraping and digging. Red marks left where frantic fingers had been.

I kissed the signs of his anguish. One by one.

“Death is inevitable, Elian,” I whispered. Not raising my voice. I kept it low.

Secret.

“Life is inevitable, Layna! Life! Just move on from your father! Help me move on from Amelia!” I felt his cry in the pit of my stomach. Rolling and turning, chewing me up and spitting me out.

He was trying so hard to be sure. To be confident. But his mask had been destroyed. He was left with only the bloody pulp of shame and guilt that was the foundation of who he was.

The parts that made me, in my own way, love him.

Truly, absolutely love him.

He kissed my cheeks. Longing tinged each one.

I felt it. It was impossible not to.

“Life is a lie,” I said weakly, feeling my resolve fluttering wildly in my chest. For just a second the beast’s roar quieted. Mute. Silent.

Elian’s green eyes, no longer dancing, snuffed out the fire. The fear. The desperation.

And then he closed his eyes. And I was pulled out of his restraining sun. Back into the shadows.

Elian pulled me against his chest. His arms ever tight around me. He didn’t want to let me go.

He would have to let me go.

“I love you, Layna Whitaker. I don’t care who your father is. I don’t care about all the horrible ways our lives were intertwined before we ever met. You and me coming together was fate. It was a divine intervention. How can you look at where we are, who we are, and think anything else?”