The Contradiction of Solitude(84)

“Yes he does—” I began to argue.

“No. He doesn’t.” He sounded so, so sad. And maybe a little relieved.

We both looked at the picture of the stranger. I knew him better than anyone did.

“But I love him. I wish I didn’t.” Matty sounded morose and I knew that in him I had someone who understood. That we lived a life no one else could understand.

I hugged him. For the first time in years I felt..…connection. Something better…something pure. Something I never felt with Daddy.

Daddy.

I tried to hate him with all of me.

Only to fail. Each and every time.

I held onto my baby brother and for the first time felt something like real love. Not the angry, dark thing I felt for my daddy.

It wasn’t much.

Just an infinitesimal part of my heart. But it was there all the same.

“You went. After everything he had done, after everything he put us through. The girls. Those poor girls. Have you forgotten about them?” Matt asked in agonized whispers.

I could never, ever forget.

Memories were like that.

Stars for always.

“I needed to see his face—”

“Did you get your closure? Are you able to move on? To put it behind you? Can we go forward from this and have a normal brother/sister relationship? Can I call you to talk about something that isn’t him?”

It was my turn to be silent. Because we both knew that would never be the case. Not with us.

“What about your man? Elian, right?”

“That’s his name,” I confirmed.

“Where does he fit into all this?”

Where does Elian fit into my plans? Where does he fit into my life?

For Elian and me, there was only one way for it to go.

To end…

“I know you, Lay, there’s something behind this quiet. It scares me,” Matt said quietly. Straight to my mind.

Straight to my heart.

“Don’t be scared,” I whispered back.

More silence.

More solitude.

It went on. And on. And on.

“I can’t be this person for you anymore, Layna,” Matt said suddenly.

“What are you talking about?” I hissed. Frustrated. Mad. Why did he have to be like this? Expecting so much when I could offer so little.

“I’m not your moral compass. And I’m sure as hell not Jiminy Fucking Cricket. I won’t tell you what’s wrong and what’s right. Because you never listen to me anyway. How many times have we come to this point, and I’ve begged you to walk away? To stop this insanity before it begins? I’m tired of riding this train with you. It hits a brick wall. Every. Single. Time.”

“Matt. Wait a minute. That’s not fair. You and me—”

“Are nothing. We’re nothing Layna. At one time you were my sister. I was your brother. But that was years ago. You can hardly call the relationship we have now normal. I stopped being your sibling the day I was taken away. You stopped being mine when you wouldn’t look for me.”

So much hurt.

So much pain.

I could taste it in the air. In my toes. In my fingers.

Everywhere.

“Wait—” I reached out through the void. Trying to stop him.

It was too late.

We were at a point of no return.

“I’m not going to call you anymore, Lay. And please, don’t call me. I’m trying to move on, and it’s obvious you aren’t. I was wrong when I told you were nothing like him.”

Pain. So much pain.

“You’re exactly like him. Good ol’ Dad did a bang up job of ruining both of us. But you must be his crowning achievement.”

I balled up the feelings that Matt’s words unleashed and I shoved them away. I stomped on them.

Ashes under my shoes.

“That’s fine, Matty. You do what you have to do,” I told him. Meaning it.

I had already disengaged. Let go.

Of this one last shred of my slipping humanity.

It was just as well.

Given what was left to do.

Leaving.

“Goodbye, Layna.” Matt hesitated, and I knew he was struggling with this final act of separation. Because this one was absolute.

So I did it for him. I forgot about the shred of love I felt for the little boy. I forgot about how much I had depended on him over the years to keep me grounded.

“Goodbye, Matt.”

I hung up.

I felt a pang as I removed the battery from the phone and smashed the screen. Both went into the trash.

I saw the worn copy of Swann’s Way on the coffee table. I hadn’t picked it up in months.

I hadn’t needed to.

But I needed to now.

I opened it up to the front page and my father’s cryptic message. Though I thought I understood it better now.

There’s Contradiction in Solitude.

I lifted the lid of the box I usually kept beneath my bed and pulled out the last letter my father had sent me. They were all unopened. Intentional.

But now…

Maybe…

My heart shuddered closed and my soul withered up and died.

Now…





Dear Layna,

This day comes and goes and I spend it wondering what you are doing. How you are. What you look like.