The Contradiction of Solitude(85)

I think about the little girl I left behind and I know, deep down that you have become someone amazing.

Someone I can be proud of.

All I ever wanted for you was to embrace who you are. To never be ashamed of the way you feel or how you think.

People spend too much time worrying about the thoughts of others. Selfishness is the greatest gift we can give to ourselves. I tried to tell you this so many times and I hope you heard me and what I was trying to say.

I kept many, many secrets. I know you saw them all. Even as a child. I could never hide anything from your black eyes.

Many think I’m horrible. They call me a monster. A devil.

But to you, I will always and forever be a father.

I hope, more than anything, that you’re smarter than I was. That you think with your head and not your traitorous, disingenuous heart. That you listen to your gut when it tries to tell you what to do. Because, lovely, darling Lay, it will never be wrong.

I want you to learn when to chase and when to let go. When to fly and when to squeeze so tight that escape is impossible.

Keep your life as you intend it. Don’t crowd it with people who will never love the real person inside. The person that only I have ever seen.

Don’t be fooled by those who only wish to distract you. The ones who try to change you. Who expect things you can never give them.

And write your stories. Never stop. They are beautiful.

Just like you.

Always, always find the stars.

Love you,

Daddy





I was here once again. At this place. Where we left off. Unfinished. Unresolved.

There was no going back.

I had let go of responsibility.

I was free.

To be without the things that made you human.

To be something else entirely.

“You have to learn to let go. Not of the things that tear you down. But the things that keep you together. That is what you should fear, Lay. The sanity. It’s where we lose everything.”

I had lost my sanity.

I had lost it in my house. In the dust and dried blood. In the memories and the lies.

I wasn’t the only one.

Elian had left his behind as well.

We were wallowing in madness that made everything so much easier.

So.

Much.

Easier.

Elian had gone inside himself. Where he was safe.

But when I arrived at his house after packing the last of my things in the trunk of my car, he met me at the door.

“I didn’t think you’d come back,” he said as I approached.

The wind swept in off the quarry and I took a deep breath. Memorizing. Before I made myself forget.

“Where else would I go?” I asked. And it was true. My steps would always bring me back here. To this moment.

To Elian.

“I’ve been waiting and waiting, and you didn’t come.” The cadence of his words was off kilter. His eyes were cloudy.

He was fading faster than I thought. Lost. Floundering.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

“I had things to do first. I always planned to end up here.” Did he hear the truth? Did he feel it in the air? Did he taste it on my lips as he kissed me?

“You’re here now. That’s what matters.” His eyes sparkled briefly. His lips curved into a small smile. Was he happy? How could he be?

He wasn’t running away.

He was trying to stay.

Stay…

I watched him walk into his house and sit down on the couch, motioning for me to join him and I briefly mourned the loss of Elian Beyer.

Making Stonehenge out of seasoned fries.

Building dreams with his guitars.

Listening to music on a checkered blanket and watching me with all the wonder in his faithful heart.

“Beyer. My name is Elian Beyer.”

Things with Elian had always been easy. Too simple. Like slipping into the water in the quarry and drowning there.

“I brought you something,” I said, holding out the guitar case. Elian barely spared it a glance.

“Don’t you want it anymore?” he asked dully.

No.

I didn’t want it anymore.

I left it against the wall. My hand lingered for one last time on the rough case that housed the instrument I had never even played.

And there it would stay.

Until long after I was gone.

I joined Elian on the couch and nestled into him and let myself relax. Just for a minute. Only a minute.

I could hear the beat in my ears. Constant. Just like Elian.

He wasn’t going anywhere.

He never would.

He would never make it back to Diamond Creek. He would stay.

Here.

“I love you, Layna.” Elian kissed the top of my head and held me close. It. Believing him. Knowing he felt it with everything he was.

He smelled like cigarette smoke and autumn. Crisp air and dying leaves.

“I love you, Elian,” I murmured, giving into the need to say the words. Because right now, it was important for him to hear.

It was important for me to say.

Just this once.

I did love him. Who he was. What he meant. His purpose, his reason in all of this.

Elian’s thumb brushed the side of my jaw, his eyes shone brightly with secrets revealed.

“We’re here. You and me. Forever,” he breathed, leaning down, his lips soft, so soft, on mine.