The Best of Me(12)

Christina Manly Baltimore, Md.

Dear ABC:

If you are going to turn anyone into a homosexual, I suggest you do it to Hugh Downs on 20/20. I am a heterosexual man, and, as my wife can attest, I have always been a devoted and responsible partner. I have a distinguished war record, three children, and five beautiful grandchildren who are the love of my life. Never have I strayed from my marriage or allowed myself to think sexually of any man other than—You guessed it! Hugh Downs is a fox, and I would love to watch him let loose and cuddle with a few of his guests. I don’t know which would be higher—your ratings or my blood pressure. (Ha ha.) Seriously, though, if you truly do possess the power to turn people into homosexuals, I’ll go to bed praying you have the good sense to choose Hugh Downs rather than some frumpy woman whose show I’ve never watched.

Name Withheld Upon Request Santa Fe, N.M.

Dear ABC:

I have read that you are thinking of turning the television character Ellen into a homosexual and am wondering if you plan to make her a slutty lesbian or the type who stays at home and gardens. If you move in favor of the slut, allow me to suggest my former wife as a template. Is that the right word? I mean that if Ellen wants to be a slutty lesbian, you can base her character on my former wife—all she does is tell lies and slut around. On our wedding night, I shaved all the hair off my body because she said it made her nervous. Then, when I was bleeding from razor nicks, guess who chose to sleep on the sofa? Now she’s living the slutty high life and I have nothing. If I provide you with my ex-wife’s name and address, will you pay me for it? Please have your lawyers call me as soon as possible. If my mother answers, ask to speak to Timothy. DO NOT LEAVE A MESSAGE WITH MY MOTHER, as I don’t want her knowing my business.

Timothy Dykeman Cleveland, Ohio





Card Wired



Now even the greeting card industry is getting in on the mass-therapy act [by designing cards] for people who have something delicate to communicate to their partner but somehow cannot find the words—or, more likely, the courage—to say it out loud. Buy enough of these cards and you could virtually hold an entire conversation with your loved one (or not) without opening your mouth.

—The Independent





May-September Romance / Impotence


To a young Valentine from a venerable husband: Think of me as a fine champagne, my love, The grapes crushed long before you were born.

Here’s hoping that my impressive label will hold your interest Until I find the strength

To pop my cork.





Locksmiths / Vans and Drinking


Good morning, Valentine!

When you lost your job as a locksmith, I’m afraid I wasn’t very understanding. I was wrong, asking you to use your talents to break into my stepmother’s van. Call me sentimental, but I’ll arrange for your bail as soon as possible. And I’m looking forward to spending a quiet afternoon, just the two of us, with the six-pack we found in my stepmother’s van.





Public Disgrace / Chinchillas


When I first told you I planned to resign as Lieutenant Governor, You turned your head,

And I caught the ghost of your perfume.

I’m praying that, come Valentine’s Day, You might agree to leave the house And visit me here at the treatment center, Where we can hold hands and discuss my plans To open a chinchilla ranch.





Former Spouse / Stress / Standup Comedy


Thank you, Valentine,

For understanding my need to maintain a casual sexual relationship With my former wife,

And for replacing the battery in my Taurus on that cold, rainy day When I felt too stressed out.

I appreciate the way you stood by my side during my standup comedy “phase,”

And I give you my word:

I’ll never again publicly read from your dream journal.

(Though it is quite funny!) I’m not sure why I’m apologizing.

Maybe it’s just my way of saying I still care.





Divorce / Ticket-Stub Collectors


This will be our last Valentine’s Day together So let’s make the most of it, shall we?

Oh, I think we can forgo

Chocolate candies and aromatic bouquets, Candlelit dinners and walks in the rain.

We made a mistake. I did anyway.

I’ve got a feeling that St. Patrick’s Day will find us in the company of other, finer lovers.

Me and Josie Tomchuck

And you…who can say?

Let’s take this day to pack your things and call the movers.

Who knows?

Maybe while dividing our collection of ticket stubs We’ll brush shoulders

And exchange a bittersweet smile.





Puncture Wounds


I’m sorry about the puncture wound.

What started off as play became what I’m hoping the courts will define as “roughhousing.”

I know you need a new kidney.

Under different circumstances, I’d really love to help.

Perhaps this Valentine’s Day we can sit quietly for a change.

Maybe you can redraft your will And withdraw the charges.

Friends?





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