The Barbarian Before Christmas (Ice Planet Barbarians #17.5)(5)

“Elly?” Erevair shakes my hand again, making sure that I’m listening. He repeats his question. “What do you think of that?”

I think it’s awful, but all I do is shrug. I can’t speak. There’s a huge knot in my throat.

“You should ask for something else, Kae,” Erevair tells her. “Just in case it doesn’t happen.”

She thinks for a moment. “A new basket.”

“That’s a good answer,” he says cheerily.

I wish I could be so easily distracted. I feel as if all of the air has been sucked out of the canyon. Bek not back for months. I thought…I thought with him as my mate, I’d never be alone again. Now it seems I’m alone just as much as I ever was, and it hurts more than I ever thought it would.



By the time we’ve filled our baskets, Erevair has told me and Kae in great detail about No-Poison Day and what he wants to get and what Bek gave him last year and how bad the snows are supposed to be very soon and it’s like my spirit has been completely and utterly squashed by his childish chatter. I’m more than ready to go back to my hut and have myself a nice, long cry.

Kae walks carefully with the basket of eggs clutched to her chest, as if she’s carrying valuable treasure, and so we head back slowly, so as not to jog her finds. Erevair doesn’t mind this because it allows him to talk even more about his favorite subject—the upcoming holiday. It’s like the quieter Kae is, the more Erevair has to fill the quiet space, and by the time we get back to the village, I’m relieved to see Claire greet us, her baby Relvi on her hip. “All done, sweetie?” She smiles at me. “I need you to come back and help Mama with her fire,” Claire tells him, putting her hand out. “Get your share of the dirtbeak nests and we’ll go wash your hands.”

I set down my basket so he can fill his little backpack, which he does with great abandon. Claire wrinkles her nose at his enthusiasm, and chuckles when he prances ahead. “He’s so excited about the holiday. I hope he didn’t talk too much.”

“Not too much,” I lie.

“I told him if he was good and helpful, he’d get a special present.” She grimaces. “Of course, now I have to think of something, but I’m sure it’ll come to me. Are you okay? Erevair said you miss Bek a lot and I know it’s hard when the guys are gone for a long time.” Her kind gaze searches my face even as her baby grabs a fistful of her hair and raises it to her drooling mouth. “I’d say it gets easier over time, but I’m not sure it does. I think we just get more used to the silence and an empty hut. And of course, there are the kits. When they come, it certainly isn’t lonely. Tiring, yes. Quiet and lonely, no.” She pulls her hair from Relvi’s little fist and glances back where Erevair is skipping toward her hut. “Anyhow, I’m chattering on. I just wanted to say that I understand, and if you’d like to come to dinner, you’re more than welcome. I love the company as much as Erevair does. He considers you family since you’re Bek’s, and of course I do too.”

I’m not surprised at the generous offer. Claire’s very sweet. This isn’t the first time she’s tried to get me to come over for dinner. I’m sure she senses my loneliness although I think some of it is just her generous heart. But I’m not entirely sure I’m ready to be social. It’s hard enough just to answer people when they ask me a question. I’m sure I’ll get there.

Just…not yet. And not without Bek.

So I shrug and give Claire a half smile, promising nothing. Kae takes that as a sign that the conversation is over and grabs my hand, dragging me forward to her mother’s hut. I let myself be tugged along, even though I’m not entirely comfortable with being touched. I love it when it’s Bek, and I tolerate it when it’s the kids, because they don’t know any better, and they’d just get hurt feelings if I freaked out. Besides, the kids always have sticky, sweaty, innocent hands. They’re warm and soft and nothing like the hands that grabbed me when I was a slave. Even so, I have to force myself to focus on other things, because if I think about being touched for too long, it’s going to send my brain to weird places. I focus on the sprawl of the village instead.

The morning’s in full swing and that means everyone’s out and about. I see Hemalo spreading his skins out in front of his tanning hut near the edge of the village. His mate Asha talks with him as he works, her toddler latched on to her breast and nursing. In the middle of the village, a few of the elders skin frozen carcasses, likely working on the trail rations that are a staple food around here. In the distance, I can see Ariana and Gail over at the longhouse, talking with a few of the children clustered around them. I’m guessing more of the women are going to be gathering by the central fire, as they usually do to talk, share mending, and eat Stacy’s food.

I don’t join them often. Gail tries to drag me to chat with the others, but it’s too many people at once, and no comforting Bek to hide behind and cling to. I prefer to hide in my hut.

Kae gives my hand another little squeeze, directing me toward her mother’s hut, and I’m unsurprised to see Kira’s still out there, waiting for us. She’s sitting on a little stool outside her front door instead of near the fire, her leatherwork still in her lap. She looks up at the sight of us, and her smile grows wide at the sight of little Kae with her basket. “Find a lot, did you, baby?”