Select (Select #1)(52)

John leaned toward me, presumably to either shut my door better than I had or to kiss me hello. A harsh knock on his window jolted him. Alex was standing there, soaking. John turned on the car and rolled down the window.

“You coming to practice?” Alex saw I was in the passenger seat, and I could feel him stiffen.

“No way. Look at this.”

“Well, I’m going up there. There’s weights and all that.”

A moment hung between the brothers. Reading John, I knew he was annoyed, thinking Alex was calling him out on getting distracted and half-assing it. He was also seeing a new side to Alex—his brother’s commitment was bigger than his—and John was beginning to feel competitive.

I broke the silence. “Go. I’ll see you tomorrow.” I made the move to get out.

John looked at his brother when he said, “No, it’s all good. I’m not going.”

Alex shrugged his shoulders in an It’s your life gesture and, without saying good-bye, walked off. I heard him mumble, “At least pretend you want it,” but I knew John couldn’t hear him.

John was quiet for a second and then shook it off. The flash of annoyance he’d felt wasn’t gone, but he buried it a few layers deep.

“Are you sure you don’t need to go?” I asked.

“It’s fine. I can skip for once.” It was a giant monkey on his back. Guilt all the time over his parents’ hopes for him and the increasing lack of desire on his end.

“Stop looking at me like you know what I’m thinking,” he said.

“What? I’m not.”

“It makes me nervous, the way you look at me like that sometimes. If you can read my mind on top of everything else…I don’t know.”

I laughed, pretending to think that was funny. “Would that be too much for you?”

“Yes! That would be awful.”

“Trust me—I don’t know what you’re thinking.” How was that for a blatant lie?

“Good.”

I tried to lighten things up before he could tell my mood had changed. “But please don’t think any pornographic thoughts about me!” I was actually only half-kidding. Over and over again in class, his mind drifted to a very distinct image of us kissing, lying on a bed, sunlight flooding the room.

“Julia, it’s a little hard not to. It wouldn’t be normal if I didn’t,” he stated matter-of-factly. There was something very sexy and confident about his not having any room for embarrassment.

I looked at him askance. I was completely out of my element with this banter.

John suddenly laughed. “Are you telling me that you get shocked?”

I didn’t like being called a prude. I ended the conversation by leaning over to him and initiating a long, slow kiss.

After a minute he said, “Let’s go to my house.”

I looked up, suddenly worried on all fronts. I didn’t want to get in over my head physically. And I didn’t want to see his parents.

“No one will be home until about six. That gives us almost”—John checked his phone—“two hours.”

I also didn’t want to say no. It was an opportunity that might not happen again.

“Okay. I’ll follow you there.” Impulsively I ran my fingers through his hair. I couldn’t believe I could just reach over and touch him now, whenever I wanted.



John steered us through his house to a screened-in porch.

A long outdoor sofa was pushed up against the wall with some chairs facing it. Of course it had already stopped raining. Birds were singing and the air was humid and still. Leading me to the sofa, John pulled me down next to him.

“Your parents aren’t going to suddenly walk in again?” I asked nervously.

“If they do, we’re just kissing. We’ve been lectured on the rules a million times. My mom’s biggest fears are transmitted diseases and someone getting pregnant.” There was an awkward silence after that. “What?” he asked.

“Nothing.” It was strange to hear pregnancy talked about casually; the topic had become taboo in my family. It was the only area where we were totally helpless. Besides counting on Novak to make every effort to find a solution, it was like we also looked to him to tell us the vision had changed. I came up with a reasonable reply. “I’m just thinking about the long line of girls you’ve brought home and tried not to get pregnant.”

“That doesn’t matter. Nobody else matters. And don’t worry, no one has ever gotten pregnant.” He laughed but I didn’t. He reached out and stroked the back of my hair. “What are you worried about?”

Ha. So many things. But instead I said, “I’ve realized I have a jealous streak.”

“I like it. I think it’s what brought us together. Remind me to thank Reese again,” he teased. Over the weekend I’d asked a few too many questions on the phone about our classmate who was hanging all over him at the party.

“Stop!” I laughed.

We looked at each other without saying a word. John drew in a breath, and I was surprised he was nervous too.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“Yes.” And then, “I can’t believe you’re here.” It was quiet for a second. I couldn’t stand the awkwardness, and I made the first move by leaning in. He quickly met me halfway. After a minute, kissing next to each other wasn’t comfortable and he eased back on the sofa, pulling me on top of him. It was almost too much being completely up against him. I had worried this was going to move to a place I wasn’t comfortable with, but I ended up never having to say a thing.