Select (Select #1)(51)

“I’m getting your clothes even though they’re wet, okay?” I nodded, but John was already sprinting. Great. I was getting busted in an outsider’s home. It was almost funny.

John came back and practically threw my clothes at me. “I’ll wait out in the kitchen.” But he paused, one hand on the doorknob, when I started putting on my wet jeans—impossible—while he was in the room. Then I quickly took off his shirt and, standing there in my bra, threw on my own. He was looking at me like he’d seen a ghost.

“Okay, I’m ready.” I put a hand to my hair, which was damp. This looked bad. Not what he needed after a rocky few months with his parents. “I can slip out the front if I go now.” He nodded and opened the door wider. I headed straight to the front door, not looking back. Behind me I heard the door from the garage open and his parents walk into the house.

John followed me out. I walked to my car, and just when I realized I’d left my keys, John unlocked my car for me. I slowly opened the door.

He rapidly came to my side and picked up my hand, placing the keys in my palm.

“I have to kiss you one more time.” John lowered his head and kissed my lips before trailing to the hollow below my ear. I practically hung from his neck, my knees going out.

“Oh my God—stop!” I half laughed. John pulled away. I corrected myself: “I just mean I can’t take any more if I’m supposed to leave you right now.” John broke into a huge grin, as though some part of his ego had been satisfied. He sauntered back to the house, so hot in his T-shirt and jeans and bare feet. I realized I was just standing there watching him. Alex had come to watch us too, hanging in the doorway, fingers hooked on the doorjamb above his head, bowing out his body. John punched him lightly in the stomach, forcing Alex to retreat.

I didn’t know if he would pull away after processing everything I had told him. But just then John wheeled around, and I swear it was like he let me read his mind. I had that feeling again that we were connected somehow. His pure happiness was almost exactly like mine.





Monday morning I pulled into the school parking lot as early as I could reasonably be there. I’d been dying all weekend for a million reasons. But there probably had never been another person alive who’d been more excited and nervous for a Monday morning. I felt like an entirely different person. I felt young for the first time in my life. I’d stopped thinking.

I could hide any kind of secret life. It was possible, I’d decided. No one from the group ever saw me at my new school. They wouldn’t dream of coming by to visit me at this place. No one had ever been here except Angus, and he wasn’t coming back.

It was insane, but I’d decided I wanted—I needed—this experience before I left this time in my life behind. I wanted to be this person for at least a little while. It was just for fun. I deserved it after everything I’d been through.

I sat in my car and listened to music, aware of cars beginning to stream in. I felt when John pulled in. Then he walked toward me with his brother, sidling between rows of cars. I hadn’t seen him since Friday night outside his house. Now I couldn’t help it—a smile spread over my face. John’s hair was still wet, and he was wearing his sunglasses. Alex looked from me to his brother and beelined off.

“Hey,” John said, and leaned against my car next to me.

“Hi,” I said, trying not to smile so big. Thank God I had sunglasses on too. Measured, calm, and hard to read was what I usually killed myself to present to the outside world. I knew I had never smiled like this before in my life.

“We’d better get going.” John reluctantly straightened and stretched. I watched, openly admiring him.

“What?” he asked.

I shook my head, smiling. “Nothing at all.” He smiled back, knowing I was looking at him.

“Let’s go.” I stepped forward, ready to walk to class. To my total surprise John put his arm around my waist and pulled me to him. He kissed my cheek almost absentmindedly before backing away and taking my hand, leading me out of the parking lot. He knew all these little things about how to act with a girlfriend. They were second nature to him. This was all new to me, but I tried not to show it. I was living in total terror and thrilled at the same time. It was addictive.

It seemed like everyone in the parking lot was watching us. It was official now. I was letting this happen in this world. Luckily it was entirely separate from my real one.

Listening to his thoughts now, I felt it. Something about him had changed. I was sure it had to do with what he’d learned. He would never see things quite the same way. I knew he was worried he was in free fall. But from where he stood today, whatever happened, he thought it was worth it.

Later that day a miracle happened. It rained. It came out of nowhere. I was standing in the locker, about to change into my tennis clothes, when word spread that practice was cancelled.

I was relieved. Word was out about me and John, and I felt the tennis team sizing me up critically, and enviously, all over again. I had begun packing up my bag when I saw my phone light up.

I’m in the parking lot. Are you free?

I suddenly had about three hours completely open. So did John, who usually had zero free time.

He was waiting in his car. John quickly opened the door for me and I slid in. Water streamed down the windows, and we were in our own world. I noticed a blue thread on John’s shirt, the thickness of his lashes. Every moment with him slowed down and felt like it was occurring in Technicolor.