Select (Select #1)(45)

The car whirred to a stop fairly close to the party. I watched dozens of teenagers with red Solo cups gathered on the small front lawn of a two-story house. I couldn’t believe neighbors hadn’t called the police yet.

He was probably here. For a second I closed my eyes, searching for him.

A sudden smack against my window, inches from my face, made me jump. I turned and there was some drunken idiot cupping his hands around his eyes, smudging the glass with his forehead as he looked in my car. I sent a powerful, direct signal—Walk the hell away from here. Whoever he was, he was gone in seconds.

What was I doing here? If it was to somehow test myself, I could check that off the list. This was repellent. I realized I could go, and I wanted to, but something was keeping me here. Was it that I didn’t want anyone else to have him? Did I need to see him with another girl so I could let go? He’d have so many takers, with his dumb door-holding and the way he listened so intently and asked the right questions. And the way he could kiss.

I had to leave. What was I thinking, that I’d secretly date an outsider and then disappear on him one day?

Starting the car angrily, I glanced at my side-view mirror, scanning for him for one last time. In the mirror, an upstairs window caught my attention. Just like at Barton Springs, it felt like the scene in front of me was suddenly framed, individual features leaping to the forefront in extreme focus.

Maybe it was nothing. I watched it for a moment. Then I sensed a temperature change in that room. Even if someone was in peril, Novak had ordered us to turn our backs on the urge to intervene. But a sick, pressing feeling curled in my stomach. If I got out of this car, I was crossing to the other side. I couldn’t have it both ways and manage it all.

But I couldn’t leave it alone, not with John possibly in there. I turned off the car, got out, and jogged across the street. I kept my head down, though I could feel the stares as a few people picked me out of the crowd.

When I entered the house, a wave of stuffiness and the smell of beer hit me. The ceilings were low and the sounds of wall-to-wall people and pounding music hurt my ears.

I immediately saw Alex in the shadows near the staircase with a boy I recognized vaguely from the parking lot at school. I made my way to them, navigating through the crowd. Alex looked like he was about to kiss the boy when I shouted to him above the din.

“Where’s John?”

Alex looked annoyed until he saw it was me. Then he looked surprised.

“Um, I don’t know. Upstairs, I think.” They watched me as I bolted up the carpeted stairs.

Upstairs there was a short hallway with several closed doors. Even though I could have stopped and figured out which room belonged to that window, I started indiscriminately opening doors.

“What?” shouted a small group of people passing a bong around. I shut the door. I opened another, and a couple was sitting on a bed making out. I moved to another one. It was locked.

Smoke began to curl out from under the door. Without thinking, I slammed my shoulder into the hollow core door until it gave in.

A huge cloud of black smoke billowed from an area near the bed. A couple I couldn’t see well was trying to bat at the flames with a quilt, making it worse. I got closer and saw them, my eyes burning. It wasn’t John.

“It’s too late. Call 911.” I shoved the girl out. I saw that the idiots had put a scarf over the bedside lamp to create mood lighting. The scarf had shriveled, dancing with flames. The fire had quickly spread to the curtains behind the lamp. It had obviously happened fast, in the last minute or so, just as I got out of the car.

“Go!” I shouted at the boy, who was still in the room.

I’d stayed in the room past the point of what was tolerable. Coughing, I backed out.

“Julia!” It was Alex. He pulled me in the direction of the stairs, getting me away from the smoke.

“Wait! John?” I suddenly panicked.

“He’s outside.” I couldn’t tell if Alex was positive. He looked scared he might be wrong. The crowd at the party had mostly run outside.

I decided to trust Alex. We made it out into the front yard, and he yelled frantically, “I’ll check here! You go to the backyard!”

Running along the side of the house, I followed the din of the kids in the backyard. My eyes adjusted to the darkness, and I scanned the large group on the patchy grass. They had no idea what was happening since they were farthest from the smoke, but I could hear the news of the fire starting to spread through the crowd. Jesus, where was he? I was starting to get frantic.

There. I felt total relief. For the first time since Wednesday, I felt like I could breathe again. He was talking to Hudson and Reese from English class. She leaned against him as she laughed at something he was saying.

“John!” I yelled hoarsely. Totally inappropriate, and I was too far away. I just wanted him to see me right now.

He turned around at the sound of his name and looked expectantly for whoever called it. When his eyes landed on mine, there was no description for the look on his face. There was so much there—surprise, anger, relief.

I practically knocked him over, I hugged him so tight. I couldn’t remember the last time I hugged anyone. Besides what had happened two days ago, we had barely touched each other. And here I was….

“Hey.” He kissed the top of my head. Suddenly we were both acting like we were at this level. He started to let go so he could pull back to see me. I kept my hold for a second longer, and he tightened his grip on me again. Then I heard the sirens. I moved away and saw Hudson and Reese staring at us with looks of amazement. I looked down and saw the red cup in John’s hand. I grabbed it and tossed it as far from him as possible.