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She’s not mine to protect. She’s not my girlfriend or even my friend.

I was so overwhelmed by his response. How he’d accepted it. I didn’t think—I just walked after him and stopped him, putting my hand on his back. He turned and we were face-to-face.

“Why do you care?” I finally asked.

“You know I’ve been aware of you since I first saw you. You felt it too.” He sounded annoyed and frustrated that he’d bothered to reach out to me, breaking his resolve to cut me off completely. But it also felt like he couldn’t fight it anymore. He was exhausted from holding his feelings in. This week had been hellish for both of us.

I backed against the building again, taking in what he’d just said. He moved closer. I reached out, as if to touch his arm, but then lowered my hand. It was the opening he needed. The energy between us completely changed.

John put his hands on either side of me, touching the wall, his arms enclosing me. Our bodies were now just inches apart, the air between us charged. I didn’t move, I just watched him and knew he finally saw my attraction to him in my eyes. It was like everything I’d been struggling to keep inside rushed out. He bent his head and kissed me. It was soft and long, his lips on mine. For a moment I allowed myself to rest an arm on his shoulder, and my whole body softened into the kiss. I pulled away first. We both took a breath, his heart pounding in his chest, dying at the slowness. He wanted to intensify everything.

I put my hand on his chest, my touch giving him a heart attack. But as he pressed forward to kiss me again, I gently pushed him back.

“John—” I took a huge step to the side.

He shook his head, as in Don’t say it.

“I can’t, John.”

“Yes, you can.”

“I can’t be with you. It’s…It doesn’t work like that.”

“What do you mean it doesn’t work like that? You can’t be with someone off the approved list, or because you don’t want to?” He shook his head in disgust. “Look, I’m just going to say it. In spite of everything, everything I’ve seen, I want to be with you. I know who you really are, Julia, and it scares the shit out of me, but I can’t help it and I’m sick of trying to stop it.”

For a second I wavered. Then I said, “I won’t be here forever.” It just popped out.

He ignored that entirely. “Go out with me. Just hang out.”

“It would only lead you on, John. There’s someone else,” I lied.

“Who? That asshole in the BMW?” He made a disbelieving sound. “You’re better than that, Julia.”

“I’m sorry.” I was slowly coming back into my persona, knowing this had to be over. I could never let him in.

“You know I know everything. Just be honest with me. Why are you fucking this up?” John backed away, now completely regretting he’d even tried. He knew I was bad for him, so he didn’t understand why he’d lost all reason and kissed me.

Because I’m so attracted to her. Because I’ll never meet someone like her again.

But to me he just said, “Whatever.” Leaving me outside, he walked back into the deserted hallway, preparing himself to forget what he’d just done.





It was fine. It wasn’t natural anyway. I sat cross-legged on my bed, attempting to absorb myself in a book I’d once been excited to read. I had skipped school the last two days, pretending I was sick. Like a coward, I hadn’t been ready to face John.

I couldn’t believe I’d kissed him back.

Going forward I was going to be singularly focused on following the rules so I could come home, so to speak. I never should have done anything else, and I knew I should be grateful nothing worse had happened. I needed to remember what was at the end of this. I’d be back with my family and, soon, in a new place where we could all be ourselves again. For a few years at least.

I stared at the same sentence until I gave up, allowing my inner voice to take center stage since it wouldn’t shut up. I put my face in both hands and closed my eyes, my brain wanting to replay what had happened one more time. Who was that person? I couldn’t be her.

How could he kiss like that?

I had hated the guardedness of his face after I said no. That was how he looked at other people, but not me. When I said no, I could feel what he felt for a moment—embarrassment followed by emptiness.

Maybe because I knew John was, presumably, at that big party, it was even harder to stop thinking about him….

No. It was done. It had kept me occupied and I’d killed a whole six weeks of the semester. Not only that, I would always have the knowledge that I had read someone’s mind, even if it never came back or I could never use it again. In some ways it had been the most interesting six weeks of my life. I picked at a thread on my bedspread before reaching for my book again.

Friday nights were tough, since I knew I’d be holed up in my room for a two-day jail sentence until school on Monday. I picked up my phone and checked the time. It was nine o’clock. I was thinking about whether I could go to bed that early when I heard voices outside. I crawled to the end of my bed, snapped off the lights, and stepped silently over to the bank of windows. Lifting a shade with two fingers, I gazed out at the glowing expanse of the backyard.

I could see five people in the black-bottomed pool, illuminated by underwater lights. They were splashing, talking loudly, and laughing. I was about to lower the shade when the moonlight caught a large tattoo on one back. Lost Kids. The lake in the background glittered. I dropped the shade back in place.