Secret Lucidity(71)
I guess I don’t blame him, but there’s still something deep down inside me that wishes he were here. It’s a pang within, knowing he’s giving up on me.
I shake my head, trying to flush all those thoughts away. I can’t have any of that distracting me right now.
I’m deep into my playlist before it’s time for me to swim the relay. We place first, and Taylor gloats in our shared victory, but I desecrate her in the one hundred-yard free later in the day.
Those weren’t my focus today though.
No, all my energy is being put into the fifty-yard free.
I currently hold the state record at twenty-three point two one, and as soon as I took it, I wanted to break it again. But then my dad died, along with all my goals. And then there was David, and somehow he sparked life back into me. He took me from a broken girl with a skull fracture and an AC separation to her shoulder, and helped me rehab. He committed himself to the pool with me, and slowly, my times started to improve. My only wish is that my dad could be here.
I turn to see David through misty eyes when his hand cups my shoulder.
“You okay?” he questions when I pull out my earbuds. “Come here.”
I slip off my team jacket and grab my swim cap before following behind the high-rise bleachers.
“What’s going on?”
“My mind drifted for a moment,” I tell him. “I’m fine.”
“I want you focused, you hear? You’re up in five heats.”
I nod and start warming up as he goes back out to the pool deck where Kyle is readying to swim the fifty-yard for his division. I turn my back to the pool and shake out my arms and legs. I cycle through a few warm ups but can’t seem to clear my head. He’s too powerful of a force to shut out, and I panic when my chest grows heavy. Pacing back and forth, he talks to me as if he were still alive. As if he were here with me.
“Cam, what are you doing?”
With my hand over my heaving chest, David grabs my shoulders.
Pinching my eyes shut, I drop my head and hop up and down a few times to loosen up my legs, but David doesn’t relent when he pushes, “You need to tell me what has you on the verge of tears right now.”
I take in a few deep breaths as his eyes press into mine, and when his grip on my shoulders tighten, I admit, “I can’t stop thinking about my dad.”
His face pains, and I know he’s fighting against the urge to hold me, but he can’t. Because we can’t be us when we’re not hidden away like some dirty secret.
“I’ll be fine,” I try to assure.
“Use him then,” he tells me. “You’re only going to stress yourself out otherwise. So, if he’s in your head, use him. Whatever he used to tell you before you jumped off that block, that’s what you need to listen to, okay?”
I nod.
“You got this. I know you do.”
With him at my side, we head over to the block. Taylor takes her place to the lane left of me. I turn my back to her, and close my eyes as I wait for the call to take our marks. And when they do, I step onto the platform. I not only hear the words of my dad but also those of David behind me.
When I hit the water, it only takes twenty-three point one nine seconds for me to see David’s beaming smile as he claps his hands.
I turn to the ticker board to see I beat my previous record and that I just took state. With everything I had to overcome from my injuries, I was able to pull off this last victory for my father.
With as elated as I should be, I can’t find it in myself. So, I sit alone on the bus ride home with a crippled heart, wishing for my dad. I had once wished for a hundred wishes when I was a little kid, but I’m not a kid anymore, and I’m well aware that life isn’t that granting. That no matter how many wishes I hold in my pocket, none of them will ever come true.
If he were here, I’d be sitting next to him on this bus, listening to him tell me how proud he is of me. And then I look to David, and I wonder if we would have fallen in love if my dad were still alive. How would this year have played out with my father as my coach and David as the assistant coach? And how would I choose if I were to be forced to pick one life path or the other?
The sun has set when I step off the bus. I watch as everyone grabs their bags and gets into their cars, leaving me standing and looking across the nearly empty lot at David. He smiles at me, and I thank God I will never have to make such a choice.
I start my car, and as the last of my teammates drive away, I do as well. But it isn’t left I turn, it’s right. It’s to the place that the garage door opener in my console belongs. Because it’s when I walk into his house and straight into his arms that I know I’ve found my true home.
“I am so fucking proud of you, baby.”
I close my eyes and smile at the fact that we are one step closer to being free. Two more months is all that stands in our way. Swim season is officially over. I’ve got my acceptance to UNC with my dormitory placement to come, and David has started looking at teaching jobs and places for him to live.
But then he says something. Something I’ve never asked him to say, but something I thought I had been foolishly wishing for.
“I know today was hard on you. And I know how much you’ve lost this year, but I promise you, I will never abandon you.”
His lips press down onto my head, a tear drops from my chin, and I toss ninety-nine wishes away, because I don’t need them when he just gave me everything in that single one.