Secret Lucidity(70)

And he does.

Wrapping me in his broad arms, our bodies move in a fog of passion. He releases a heady moan that mingles with my faint ones when we begin to lose ourselves to each other.

In no hurry for this to end any time soon, we force ourselves to slow time and time again, edging on the brink of ecstasy as we tangle the sheets beneath us.

We’re a union of secrets and flaws, but nothing is truer than this right here. Our two bodies, mended as one, covered in a sheen of sweat as they beg to be split open for the mere chance to be even closer than what they already are. I’d crawl beneath his ribs if I could. Press my lips into the tissue of his heart. Swim in the marrow of his bones. I’d give him the very same if he asked for it. I’d cleave myself open for him, force him to take all of me, because that’s all I crave—to be his—only his, because in my soul, he’s mine.

When muscles tremble in a surge of electricity, his mouth covers mine as we give into our need for release, swallowing each other’s gasps of pleasure as we kiss.

Never have I felt so safe and so loved as I do is this moment, lying in David’s arms with him still inside me. I’m overwhelmed with vulnerability as I allow myself to feel everything my heart’s telling me to, and instead of David trying to rush me to get back to my room, he holds me tightly as silent tears spill straight from my heart and onto his chest.

His hands lift my head, and I see his emotions reflecting mine in his eyes.

“I love you, David.”

He presses his lips to mine. “I love you too,” he says before lowering my head back down to his chest. “God, I love you so much.”




I wake with a start and freak when I see the room flooded in morning light.

“Oh my God.”

“Fuck,” David says in the same wave of panic.

I jump out of bed and run around the room, collecting my clothes piece by piece and shrugging them back on.

“What if they’re awake?” I fret while he’s pulling his shorts up.

“Tell them you woke up early and went for a walk to clear your head.”

“In flip-flops and no bra?” I exclaim.

“Shit, I don’t know. I can’t believe we passed out like that.”

I run into the bathroom and rake my fingers through my hair before dragging them beneath my eyes, doing my best to calm down and think of an excuse as to why I’m not in the room, while also praying that they are still asleep. I look at the clock on the counter to see it’s only seven, so there is still a good chance they aren’t awake yet.

“Are you okay?” he asks when I come out of the bathroom.

“What am I going to say?”

With his hands running down the length of my arms, he says, “You could probably say anything without them coming to the conclusion that you were with me all night. I mean, think about it.”

And he’s right. The idea, as real as it may be, would be so far-fetched in their minds.

“Tell them you went to the vending machines, tell them you went for a walk, tell them you went down to the lobby to drink a cup of coffee,” he rambles off.

“I don’t even drink coffee.”

He gives a weak smile before kissing me. “You had trouble sleeping, so you went down to the lobby to read because you didn’t want to wake them,” he says as he hands me my phone. “I see you reading on this thing all the time.”

With one last kiss, I grab the key card and peek out into the hall to make sure no one is walking around. When I see I’m in the clear, I run down to my room. As I swipe the card and push the door open, I hear another one closing. My heart freezes, and I dart my eyes down the hall in both directions, but don’t see anyone.

“There you are,” Ming says.

I step inside with butterflies hacking me up from the inside.

“Where did you go?” she asks, and since she is still in bed and the other two girls seem to be just waking up, I grab on to the first lie David gave me that surfaces through my panic.

“Oh, I . . . I went to the vending machines.” And when she looks at my empty hands, I quickly add, “Damn thing ate my money.”

“I hate when that happens,” she says with ease, and I breathe a sigh of relief when she changes the subject and starts talking about today’s meet.

A strain of nervousness sticks with me for most of the morning as we get ready to head down to the bus, but when I realize that I’m worrying over something they are apparently completely oblivious to, I will myself to relax.

Sitting on the bus, listening to one of my playlists, I lean my head against the window and drift my eyes over to David before closing them. Visions of him from last night play behind my lids: the way his chest flexed as he moved above me, the way he guided my hips in his hands when I was on top of him, the way his body felt inside mine. I smile before I know I’m smiling. Covering my mouth with my hand, I continue to replay the night until the bus comes to a stop when we arrive.

Keeping my earbuds in, I file off the bus with everyone else and back inside the aquatic center. With my music and thoughts, it’s easy for me to relax and not focus on the other swimmers. Hanging out on the bleachers, I scan the rows of spectators on the opposite side of the pool, spotting Linze tucked against the back wall. She’s focused on Kyle and doesn’t see me, but I notice, for the first time this year, Kroy isn’t with her. He’s come to every single swim meet of mine since freshman year, and when I continue to search the bleachers for him, it’s apparent that he’s a no-show.