Secret Lucidity(52)

When feelings start to build, I pull back and disconnect the way I’ve trained myself to.

“I need to go to the ladies’ room,” I tell him, needing space to pull myself together.

I make my way through the crowd and duck into the bathroom. A few girls stand at the sinks as they freshen up their makeup, so I close myself in one of the stalls for a moment of privacy. Leaning against the door, I focus my thoughts on the cold metal piercing into my bare back. The contrast in temperature is a sharp bite to my system, giving me something else to think about aside from high school angst.

I grow irritated as I stand here in these heels and this stupid dress, locked away with the damn toilet when I didn’t even want to come here in the first place. But here I am, hiding and so very unworthy of the guy I came with. I’m a travesty, and he has no clue—and that makes me feel like complete shit.

When I hear clicking heels walking out, I unlock the door only to lock it again when another group shuffles in.

“I can’t believe Kroy brought her.”

My ears perk up when I hear Christine’s voice, one of the girls that’s in our group.

“He can do so much better than her,” another girl says. “She’s not even fun to be around anymore.”

“Oh, I know. And that scar . . . nasty.”

“Right?” a third voice chimes in. “Seriously gross.”

I stare down at the toilet, wishing it was big enough for me to dive into, because that’s how desperate I am to escape right now. I’d swim through the gutters of hell to get myself as far away from here as possible. I doubt my heart could sink any lower as I fight tooth and nail to keep my scalding tears from falling. I might cry over my father, hell, I’ll even allow myself to cry over David, but I refuse to give these bitches my tears.

“Oh. My. God. I saw her mother last night at the Gaillardia Country Club. I was with my parents for the annual Christmas auction, and she was wasted.”

“For real?”

And when I think my gut can’t twist any further, it does, wringing out the bile of secrets hidden. It floods my system in a tidal wave of mortification.

“Yeah. She was with some guy too, hanging all over him.”

“Mr. Hale, like, just died!”

“I know. So trashy.”

Biting my lips together, I hold my breath, swallowing an ugly sob threatening to erupt from the base of my throat.

How is this my life?

How have I fallen so far that I’ve become the school’s bathroom gossip?

“Someone should tell Kroy to stay away from Cam before she ruins his reputation.”

“No joke.”

“She rode in the limo with us,” Christine says. “She wouldn’t even talk. She just sat there like a disgusting lump on a log.”

“What does he even see in her anyway? Give him one night with me, and I promise you, he’d forget about her in an instant.”

“You are so full of yourself.”

They all bust out laughing.

Embarrassment fades into sadness, and when sadness dissolves to anger, I can’t hang on any longer. The moment I step out of the stall, four girls stare at me in horror of being caught, but I don’t stick around long enough to say anything. What would I say anyway? Apparently, I’m worthless and someone forgot to update me on my status change.

Anger feeds the blood in my veins, and I stumble slightly on weak knees as I make my way over to Kroy.

He sees me and rushes over. “Are you okay?”

“Can you take me home?”

“We just got here. What happened?”

“Nothing. I just want to go home.”

“We all rode together, Cam. No one is going to want to leave,” he says. “Seriously though, what happened? Your face is sweating.”

“I’m not feeling good.” I’m too humiliated to tell him what people are saying about me.

“Well can you just sit down? I’ll get you some water.”

“Can you call me an Uber or something? I really don’t want to be here.”

He puffs a heavy breath of frustration at me. “Why can’t you just have fun?”

“I tried, Kroy. Even when I didn’t want to, I did anyway,” I argue when he becomes annoyed with me.

“Why do you have to even try? You should be happy. You love coming to these things and hanging out with our friends.”

“These people are not my friends.”

“They are.”

How can he be completely na?ve to how disgusting they truly are?

“No, Kroy, they aren’t. And even if they were, I just don’t fit in with them anymore.”

“Because you don’t want to,” he snaps. “You don’t even want to try. This summer happened, and ever since, you’ve been doing nothing but making up excuses to avoid everyone.”

“I wouldn’t have to make up excuses if you’d just accept the truth for what it is. But you don’t! Everyone just rolls their eyes at me and takes every damn thing I do personally. Well, news flash, it wasn’t that I didn’t want to be around them because I didn’t like them—I was sad! I still am, but it’s not enough for you all to accept.”

“I’m doing the best I can here, Cam.”

“I can’t do this right now,” I tell him and then walk away.