Secret Lucidity(50)

“You do,” I assure. “What she did—”

“What she did was wrong, and don’t you try to justify it to me.”

“But I’m fine.”

“That’s the problem. The fact that your life has beaten you up so badly that this doesn’t affect you. That doesn’t sit right with me, Cam, not when I care this much about you.”

“What do you want me to do? You want me to cry or to get mad and scream? What difference would it make if I did? It’s not as if life is giving me choices here.” I drop my head, just as helpless as he is. “I’m stuck. No matter how shitty my world gets . . . I’m just stuck.”

And he knows it. He knows there’s nothing he can do to change my situation. And if he did make an attempt, he’d turn us both into ticking time bombs.

So here we are—hiding in fear behind the door to his classroom that separates us from them.

This is us—victims of love.





WINTER’S FIRST SNOW MADE ITS appearance earlier this morning when I woke up in David’s arms. I watched as the flakes fell outside his window while he dropped kisses along my shoulder blades; kisses so hot I swear I can still feel their burn marks on my flesh as I now sit in my room, staring at the pile of envelopes I’ve been avoiding.

Another month has passed, bringing us that much closer to freedom, but I wonder what freedom will look like as I run my hand over the stack of paper that hides the ink of the future.

Last year, when I broke the state record for the fifty-yard free, there were several scouts in attendance. Along with my four-point-oh grade average, I knew it was only a matter of time before letters of intent would start showing up. The first one arrived in September. I didn’t open it though. It’s been a little over three months, and five others have joined the stack. All from schools my dad and I used to talk about me attending, and now here they are, sending me letters with whatever scholarship packages they are offering me.

I’m scared to open them. Scared and sad, because I’m supposed to be doing this with my father.

This was our thing. Everything was our thing.

The other player in this is David. Even though one of the letters is from the University of Oklahoma, a big part of me wants to get out of this state and far away from the memories this place now holds. But moving means leaving David, and that isn’t something I want to face. The thought of not having him is practically debilitating.

Time isn’t on my side in this case. I’m going to have to open these letters soon and make my choice, otherwise these offers might be pulled off the table.

Snow continues to float down to the pillowy, white blanket that now covers the ground, and when I look at the time on my cell phone, I drag myself to the bathroom to start pulling myself together.

Winter Formal is tonight, and when Kroy asked me to go with him, I originally said no. He assured me we’d just be going as friends, but it still felt weird because of David. When I told him Kroy had asked me, his response came as a surprise.

“Has anyone asked you to the dance?”

Hanging out on David’s couch with my head on his lap, I look up from below and giggle. “Would you be jealous if someone did?”

He smirks. “You want me to be jealous?”

“Depends.”

“On what?”

“I mean, if you’re going to go all psycho . . .”

“Just answer the question.”

Lifting my head off his legs, I sit up and face him. “Kroy asked me last week. I told him no.”

“He’s still hanging on to you, isn’t he?”

“I don’t think so. He insisted we’d just be going as friends, and I believed him when he said it.”

“And you still said no?”

“Yeah. Why?”

He picks up the remote and mutes the television before saying, “I don’t want to be the reason for you to miss out on these things. It’s your last year of high school.”

“Even if there were no you, I still wouldn’t want to go.”

“Did you go last year?”

“Yes. It isn’t the same as it was last year. I’m not that girl anymore. And at this point, most of my friends have given up on me.” David opens his mouth, but I quickly shut him down. “Before you say anything, I get that it’s my fault. That I’ve shut them out. But whatever the reason, it is what it is.”

He turns to face me. “You should still go.”

“Why?”

“I’d hate for you to look back one day and have regrets.”

“Regrets about not attending a dance? My God, I hope my future isn’t so pathetic that I’d be torn up about not going to a stupid high school dance.” I laugh at the thought, but he isn’t amused.

“Well then maybe you should go as a safeguard for us.” When I furrow my brows in question, he adds, “Not that I think anyone is suspicious or anything, but if anyone were, you going to this dance with Kroy would serve as a good cover.”

“You’re kidding, right?” He doesn’t respond, but the look on his face tells me he isn’t. “So, you want me to go to this dance with my ex-boyfriend?”

“Why not?”

I held out for a little while longer, but when he better explained his motive, I gave in. I know his real reasoning for wanting me to go isn’t for the safeguard he tried to convince me of though. David doesn’t want the guilt of my possibly having regrets, even though I told him I wouldn’t.