Secret Lucidity(51)
Most girls are at the salons getting their hair and makeup done. Winter Formal at our school is a big deal, almost as big as prom. The girls from the group Kroy and I are going with invited me along, but I couldn’t muster up enough excitement to join them. It would’ve only taken away from the time I was able to spend at David’s house this morning. I’m never quick to leave his bed when I spend the night. Leaving him is always the worst.
Once my makeup is done, I slick my hair back into a low ponytail before slipping on the knee-length lacy, deep green dress I picked up earlier this week. I pair it with nude heels and a conservative dabbing of nude lipstick.
The doorbell rings, and when I walk down the stairs, my mother’s beaming smile and obnoxious camera are nowhere to be found.
That woman used to live for helping me get ready for dances. There hasn’t been a single one she’s missed until now.
The limo is parked along the curb when I answer the door.
Kroy eyes me from head to toe. “You look amazing,” he says softly with a hint of melancholy.
We’ve always gone to these things as a couple, and his longing for our relationship to go back to the way it was hangs in the air between us.
“Are you ready? Everyone is in the limo waiting.”
“One second,” I tell him, and he steps inside while I slip on my ivory cocktail coat.
“Where are you off to?” my mother calls from the top of the stairs.
“Just a dance,” I scoff, annoyed that she’s even pretending to care about where I’m going. “I’ll be back later.”
“Good to see you, Mrs. Hale,” Kroy acknowledges, and I roll my eyes when she responds in total fakery, “You kids have fun.”
“Let’s go,” I murmur as I loop my arm through his.
When Kroy helps me into the limo, all the girls are laughing and singing along to the music that’s blaring. It wasn’t that long ago I was one of those girls, giggling and having a good time. But now . . . now I’m a fraud among friends. As I watch them, I wonder what they’d think of me if they knew what I was doing with our teacher. I look to Linze, but she doesn’t so much as glance my way, and when she throws her arms up and belts out the chorus to the song, everyone laughs and cheers her on—even Kroy. I smile an awkward smile, but the tension between me and her is impossible to ignore.
“You okay?” Kroy whispers when he dips his head down to my ear.
I plaster on a smile for his sake and nod.
Arriving at the dance is exactly what you’d expect. Half the girls ditch their dates to gossip and fawn over how good everyone looks, while others dance to the up-tempo song the DJ is playing.
“Cam!” Ming squeals. “You came!”
“I love your dress,” I respond as Kroy slips my coat from my shoulders.
“I’ll be right back,” he tells me before heading to the coat check.
Ming’s eyes follow him and then come back to me when he’s out of earshot. “Are you two back together?”
Not wanting to confirm or deny, I go along with David’s idea, saying, “It’s complicated.”
A few girls call Ming over to them, leaving me alone at the back of the room. The group we came with is already out on the dance floor, and as I watch them, a drop of jealously lands on my shoulder. What I wouldn’t give to feel as free as they do.
Kroy’s hand slides around my waist, but he doesn’t say anything. We simply stand together, watching another passing moment of our senior year. Moments David thinks I should be enjoying, but how can I enjoy something I don’t fit into? With so much separating me from them, I’ve become an outsider looking in. Plagued by fears that are anything but adolescent, there isn’t a single person in this room who knows the real me anymore.
When the music slows, everyone pairs off.
“Dance with me.”
The adoration Kroy’s eyes still hold for me is merely a product of my deception, and the thought brings on a twinge of guilt. If he knew my truth, knew I had given myself away so quickly to someone else, he’d never look at me again the way he is right now. I doubt he’d ever look at me at all, and that very thought punctures me deep inside. It’s the realization that just because life turned the tables on us, I still care about him.
He holds out his hand, and I take it, harboring the fear that if he ever found out about me, he’d never offer me his hand again. I follow as he leads me out to the dance floor, and when he holds me in his arms and sways us with the slow melody, I birth a small hate for myself.
Kroy deserves so much better than me.
Maybe David does too.
I lied to him when I suggested that Kroy wasn’t hanging on to hope, because he is. And he shouldn’t be, because I’m not the girl he used to know. I’m a liar and an imposter. Every day I get out of bed and pretend to be something I’m not. It’s only when I’m with David that the truth emerges from behind the fa?ade, and I’m safe to be me.
With my head on Kroy’s chest, I savor what’s fading before my eyes: a lifelong friendship between innocent hearts that eventually fell for each other. And although his innocence remains, mine no longer does, and when the song ends and a faster one begins, I cling on to his disillusionment for a while longer. We continue to hold each other, dancing slowly against the quick-paced bass, and somewhere, amidst the chaos, there dwells a mutual sadness.