Only Child(86)

The alarm box lady said “Front door!” and right after that Daddy came in the kitchen. He stood in the door for a second and he didn’t say anything, just stared at me. Then he walked across the whole kitchen with giant fast steps to where I was sitting. He pulled me off the barstool and lifted me up and hugged me so tight, it was hard for me to breathe, and then I heard the sound. And I could feel the sound.

It was like it came from all the way inside Daddy’s belly, and then it moved up his throat and came out through his mouth next to my ear. It was like a very low choking sound. Daddy’s chest went up and down fast, and that’s when I realized he was crying. That’s what it sounds like when Daddy cries.

Now he cried with the low, loud choking sound, and he held me tight like that for a long time. I pulled back, because I wanted to see what it looked like when Daddy cried. His face looked younger, like from a boy and not like a man, with his face wet all over from tears and his chin was shivering up and down.

“Zach,” he said, and my name came out like a big breath from his mouth. “I thought I lost you, too.”

“I’m OK, Daddy,” I told him, and I wanted his chin to stop shivering and it was my fault that he was so sad, and I felt bad about that. I put my hands on Daddy’s cheeks and they got wet from all his tears, and I rubbed my hands over his beard.

“I’m sorry,” I said, and Daddy did a little laugh.

“You sweet, sweet boy,” Daddy said, and he hugged me tight again. “You have nothing to be sorry about.”

He put me back down and I saw that everyone else in the kitchen was crying, too. Mommy was crying and Mimi and Grandma and Aunt Mary. They looked at me and at Daddy and cried, and maybe it was the first time they saw Daddy cry, too, I didn’t know, probably, though.

After everybody got done crying, one of the policemen got up and said, “We don’t want to intrude any longer than necessary. Just a few things we need to ask this young man. We can always circle back around tomorrow for the details.” And he asked me some questions about where I was the whole time, and I told him that I went to the cemetery and how I got there and all that stuff.

The policeman had a little notebook and he wrote down some things. “Is there anything else you feel like you need to tell me?” the policeman asked, and I shook my head no. I could feel the red juice spill starting to happen because I didn’t tell him that I went there because I wanted to talk to Charlie. The other policeman got up, too. “All right, we’ll check back in tomorrow and get all the necessary paperwork done. Everything looks like it’s in order for tonight.”

The policemen left, and then Mimi said the three of us could probably use some time—and that meant me and Mommy and Daddy, and so her and Grandma and Aunt Mary left, too.

When everyone was gone, it felt weird to be home with just us three and it was like we didn’t know how to act anymore when we were together. It gave me a shy feeling.

“You didn’t eat anything yet, honey,” Mommy said. “What would you like?”

“Cereal, please,” I said, and all three of us ate cereal, and we sat at the counter, me in the middle in between Mommy and Daddy and for a little while it was only the crunch, crunch from our chewing.

Then Mommy asked in a quiet voice, “So you went to the cemetery?”

“Yeah,” I said.

“Why?”

I thought about my mission and how Charlie didn’t come home with me, so my mission didn’t work out. I put my head down because I didn’t want Mommy and Daddy to see that tears were coming back in my eyes.

“Why did you go there, Zach?” Mommy asked again, and she pushed my chin up with her hand and looked at me. “Because of Andy?”

“Yes,” I said, and that was not lying because I also wanted to go to Andy’s grave when I went there. But it wasn’t telling the truth either, because I didn’t tell her that I went there to find Charlie.

“I wanted to visit Andy and…be with him again. Like before in…here at home,” I said.

“In Andy’s closet?” Mommy asked, and I looked at Daddy, because he told my secret.

“I had to tell Mommy, Zach. It’s the first place I looked when we couldn’t find you. OK?”

“OK,” I told him, and it didn’t matter anymore, because the hideout wasn’t special anymore anyway.

“You wanted to be with Andy again?” Mommy asked.

“Yes,” I said. “I used to feel him in the hideout. It’s hard to explain. I could talk to him and stuff and it made me not lonely. Daddy noticed that, too, right, Daddy?”

Daddy said, “It felt like it, yes. It was nice…to imagine that.”

“I didn’t only imagine it,” I said. “That’s really how it was. But then it stopped working. I couldn’t feel him anymore in there, and then it was just me, alone in the bed….”

“Alone in the bed?” Daddy asked, and he looked like he was crying again. He wiped his eyes with his napkin. “Man. This crying thing. I could get used to this.”

“Alone in the bed like in the song, you know? ‘Ten in the Bed’?” I said, and Daddy looked like he didn’t get it. “Never mind,” I said.

Mommy pushed her cereal bowl away and took my hand. “Zach, I’m…so sorry. I’m sorry that you…felt so lonely.” Mommy’s voice came out with a lot of breaks in between. “If something bad had happened to you…,” and then it was like she couldn’t keep talking.