One Last Time(67)

“You don’t have to be afraid. I’m not going anywhere.” I tell him the words he’s said to me.

“My feelings for you are unlike anything I’ve felt before. I’ve never told anyone this, at least not anyone in a very, very long time.” He looks away. “I don’t talk about it because I’m not proud of it. I’ve gone to extensive lengths to keep it out of the media.”

I don’t want him to tell me anything he’s not comfortable with, and right now we’re not Kristin the reporter and Noah the actor. He’s the man who shares my bed.

“Noah, I would never . . .”

“I know you wouldn’t. I’ve put my past in the past because I can’t change it. I just want you to understand that this is something I’ve tried to forget. Shit like this ruins people in my line of work.”

“Hey.” I pull him back to me. “I will never betray you.”

“And I will never lie to you or hurt you. I have waited a long time to find someone worth sharing my life with. I need you to listen to everything before you judge me. Can you do that?”

I nod, praying I can actually do what he asks.

“A long time ago, I lost someone who I loved more than anything. It was our high school graduation night, and I was going to propose to her—” Noah’s voice cracks, and he clears his throat before continuing. “Tanya was going to college in Oklahoma, and I was staying in Illinois because I couldn’t afford college out of state. We had these big dreams about how we’d grow old together. I promised her I’d find a way because she was my entire world. But Tanya was . . . I don’t know.”

“A teenager?” I offer.

He tilts his head with a sad smile. “Yeah, she was eighteen, wanted to experience college, and in the back of my mind, I knew she would breakup with me after she left. I knew it, and I couldn’t let her go. I figured if we were engaged, it would change things.”

This is the part of the story where you know the floor is going to drop out. Noah’s anxiety is palpable. I move my hand to cover his and squeeze.

“I told her two best friends I was going to pop the question, and they never indicated it was a mistake. Hell, one even helped me shop for the ring. She agreed to meet me out at the ridge by the river on her grandparents’ property. We met there almost every night. It was secluded and gave us some”—he clears his throat—“privacy. We had sex, and I thought everything was perfect. God, I was so damn nervous.”

I don’t say anything. I’m not even sure I’m breathing. My heart is pounding against my chest as he’s lost in his memory.

He shakes his head a little and then continues. “I popped the question as we were lying in each other’s arms, not even considering the answer would be no. Tanya got to her feet and started flipping out. She was shaking her head, saying all kinds of shit about how she wanted space and I was trying to trap her. I stood there, listening to her tell me we were done.” He wipes his hand across his face. “You have to understand, I was young, but we had been together since eighth grade. I didn’t know what the hell to think. I accused her of cheating on me, lying, using me for whatever the fuck teenagers use each other for. She slapped me across the face, telling me I could go to hell. It was the worst fight we’d ever had. Then she started to walk away, and I panicked.”

The pain in his eyes causes tears to form in mine. He looks tortured, and I want to take it all from him. His thumb slides under my eye, catching the drop before it falls.

“Don’t cry, sweetheart.”

“You sound so heartbroken,” I explain.

He rubs my arm and begins again. “I grabbed her arm and pulled her to me. I held her, begging her to just fucking stop what she was doing. Honestly, I don’t even remember what I said because I was . . . wrecked? Devastated? I don’t know the right word, but I both loved and hated her in that instant. Tanya was crying at the shit I was saying about her, and she shoved against my chest at the exact moment I let go of her arms. We were close to the edge, I don’t know how we got over there.”

“Oh, God.” My hand flies to my lips.

“She lost her footing and fell, and I tried to catch her. I tried so hard.” Noah finally breaks, and the sound that escapes is the most broken noise I’ve ever heard. “I had her hand, but she slipped. I practically fell as I climbed down the ridge to get her.” Tears run down his cheeks as well as mine.

I never knew this girl, but the agony in his voice shakes me to my core. There’s no denying how much this has hurt him or the amount of guilt he’s still carrying. I move closer to him, resting my hand on his chest. “I’m so sorry.”

He shakes his head, wipes his tears, and forges on. “When I got to her, I refused to believe she was gone. I swear she was alive, and I begged her, I begged her to hang on while I got help.” He sighs. “I loved her so much, and I wanted to spend my life with Tanya. I carried her in my arms for a fucking mile. I didn’t stop no matter how tired I was. She needed me, and God knows I needed her.”

Noah’s eyes meet mine, and he comes back to the present. “I would’ve died if it meant I could have saved her, but I couldn’t.”

“It was an accident. A horrible accident.”

“If I would’ve let her go, none of that would’ve happened.”