Messy Love(80)

My heart was in pieces, and I could try and patch it up with tape, but the damages were done.





MARISSA


I spotted the waiting room in the maternity wing and immediately placed my brother. He was pacing and raking his hands through his thick hair, getting his wavy strands in all directions. At looking at him, you wouldn’t believe it was the best day of his life.

“Jamie!’’ I called out as I neared him. A nurse speeding by glared at me for the disruption of the otherwise quiet wing excepted for the rush of the hospital members, a couple of women grimacing and taking a walk with an IV stuck in their arm and the men that kept asking them questions.

His head snapped in my direction, and his eyes went upward in silent prayer. “You’re here.’’ He ran to me and grabbed me into a tight hug that made it impossible to breathe. I groaned and patted his back. He released me and kept his hands on my shoulders. “Mom and Dad won’t make it for another hour.’’

“You don’t need the parents, and you certainly don’t need me, Jamie. Relax.’’

“Easy for you. Shit, I’m about to be a dad.’’

“It’s a bit late to get cold feet, don’t you think?’’ I teased him with a light punch on his pec. “Dad gave you the perfect example of how to be a great father. I know you’ll be amazing. I have no doubt.’’

He closed his eyes and nodded slowly. “You have no idea how I needed to hear those words.’’

I went into his waiting arms and hugged him once again. “I’m proud of you, you know.’’

“I love you too, sis. You okay?’’

I tensed against him. The first thought was to lie to him, but I had never lied to my brother. He had always been my best friend, the person I easily turned to when I needed comfort or to rant. I wouldn’t start now.

“I will be.’’

“It’s him, isn’t it?’’ He asked, and the anger in his voice and the way he hugged me tighter talked of brotherly protection. It warmed me in places that had been growing icicles since that awful Sunday.

“I was stupid. I need time to sort out what’s in my head. Don’t worry about me. Focus on your wife and the little boy you get to meet soon.’’

“You know at any other time I’d push you until you told me everything.’’

“I know. Your boy is truly a blessing,’’ I said with a forced laugh as I pulled away from Jamie’s embrace and pushed him away just as a nurse called out to him. Aimee was asking for him.

“Go. I’ll wait here for Mom and Dad.’’

With a last nervous look my way and worries for me gone, he walked down the hall and toward his wife.

The miracle of life.

A family was about to turn from two to three. New love would burst, new possibilities and hopes. New worries would be born with my nephew too. In the meantime, I wallowed in self-pity, shamefully and quietly self-centered in my pain when it took no comparison to the wonderful changes happening in my brother’s life.

I mourned a love story that barely touched the love part, that lasted such a short amount of time people would laugh if I shared my pain from breaking up with Wyatt. I was in pain from losing a man that had never been mine to begin with, who played with my heart until he shattered it for a reason I didn’t know and honestly didn’t care.

He hurt me once, and I came back to him.

He hurt me a second time, and he taught me a lesson.

I hoped my heart would soon catch up because my fingers tingled from the need to send him a text to let him know about the new Thornton family member about to make his appearance.

***





WYATT


I wrote down another ad from Craigslist and sighed. Fuck, what could you do without a college degree, and three-years job experience at a gym and a few stints as a waiter in family restaurants around Atlanta?

I rubbed at my eyes and shut the lid of my laptop. If things kept going like this, I wouldn’t be able to afford to live in this apartment, even if it was mine thanks to my grandfather. My hours at the gym weren’t enough to pay all the bills, and I kept on snatching more and more money from my meager savings.

Nothing went right anymore, and it only put another strain on my fucked up life. I had lost count of the number of times I declined my parents’ calls after the fiftieth. Ralph's laconic texts went unanswered too. I hadn’t been going out since I drove Marissa out of my life and I spent my time at home, mostly doing pushups and situps to get some of the ever-present tension out of my system and to keep my mind from wandering to Marissa or my biological father that haunted me.

Staying outside? It was out of the question. I felt eyes on me at all times now, pushing me into a paranoia so strong I had to fight off panic attacks.

Once again, I pictured Marissa around my place. Behind my closed eyes, I saw her sweet smile that made her eyes dazzle like amethysts. She would be curled up on the couch, and I wouldn’t resist joining her. I didn’t just crave her for her body, but I did miss those naked moments with her with a passion. I’d damn myself for the soft moments when she polished my edges and lulled me into the pretense of safety and happiness. I craved her finger massaging my scalp when I would put my head on her lap while watching TV. I craved the way she felt when I hugged her. I craved the way she would look at me like I deserved those looks, like I wasn’t the screwed up guy who had a truckload of baggage he didn’t know how to discard.