Messy Love(82)

From now on, I was an aunt, and I would never spend more than a week without a look at this perfect little person and smell his baby smell that made my chest tight and full to bursting at the same time.

“Congratulations, Mommy and Daddy,’’ I said in a whisper to Jamie and Sarah, my smile genuine and fond. But it was impossible to look away from the perfect bundle for too long.

“We’re parents,’’ Jamie whispered in reverence and then looked up to find our parents at the foot of the bed. “It’s incredible.’’

“It’s the most precious gift. Children are a treasure to cherish. Paul will bring you the kind of joy you would have never imagined and give you early wrinkles too,’’ our mother said in a happy sniffle. Dad wrapped an arm around her shoulder and nodded at her words.

Jamie and I exchanged a long look then. A lot went through that look. We weren’t blood, but our bond was one of real siblings. We couldn’t have a better family, and for the first time, I understood why he didn’t need or want to look for his birth mother. He was happy in his life, created a whole family of his own. He didn’t need a disruption of that kind of happiness, a disruption that could very well break his heart.

My heart bled from looking for my birth mother even if she had nothing to do with the pain that never failed to pour out of me, earning me concerning looks from my family.

Jamie then looked at his wife and the love that was there in each of their looks for each other as their newborn son yawned in her arms, that pure and unyielding love pressed in on me. It hurt. It should make me happy for my brother, thrill me even, but it only put my failure in the love department in stark contrast.

I didn’t have the person I loved looking at me with love in their eyes, the kind of love that brought a shine to the eyes and seemed to brighten a whole room.

I didn’t have someone to hold me as I met my nephew for the first time.

What I did have was an aching pain in my chest, the kind that made me wish for more, that made me mad at Wyatt for everything that tainted my life these days.

Eyes prickling, I pulled away from Jamie’s side hug and smiled at the glowing new parents. “I better go. I left InkSpired in a rush and promised I’d call Kam and Sophie to tell them everything.’’

“Don’t you want to stay a little?’’ Dad asked me, dropping his arm from around Mom.

“I’ll come back tomorrow to visit. If that okay with you,’’ I added to my brother and his wife who immediately nodded before their attention went back to their baby. Aimee yawned, and her eyes started to close as she reclined further in her bed. “It looks like the new mom needs a break anyway.’’

“Don’t leave because of me. I know you’ve been waiting a while outside. I just need a nap.’’

“It’s almost ten in the evening already, baby,’’ Jamie whispered and bent to kiss his wife and then his son’s head. Parenthood already seemed to suit him perfectly.

“Oh,’’ she said with another yawn and gently put the baby in my brother’s arms. The slight tension in his shoulders at first told me he was scared of hurting his son, but as soon as he had him against him, secured in his arms, his stance relaxed. “Thank you for coming,’’ Aimee said and gently squeezed my hand. She had smiled at Mom and Dad before the last yawn made her stop fighting sleep.

My parents mimed Jamie that they were going too and he nodded. I kissed his cheek and had a last look at the baby asleep in his arms before I followed my parents out. Their smile was still there, and I knew mine mirrored theirs, but where it reached their eyes, mine, I knew, was trapped in the dark hole in my chest, reflecting only pain.

“You alright?’’ Mom asked me as we neared the front desk of the hospital, sidestepping busy nurses and doctors along with patients littering the halls.

“Just tired. It’s been quite a day. You should have heard Jamie on the phone when he called me! He was losing it,’’ I said and chuckled at the memory of my brother’s high pitched voice.

“He has many years to go crazy with Paul now. Wait until he takes his first nasty fall,’’ Dad said with a laugh that warmed me. He shook his head then and found my mother’s eyes. “Do you remember when Jamie and Marissa fell from the swing and both cut open their heads?’’

My mother shuddered and then patted my father’s shoulder before she looked at me. “One hurt child is awful, but the two of you at the same time? The doctor at the hospital asked me to lie down for fifteen minutes before we could leave once he was finished with you. We were a disastrous mess.’’

I remembered that day hazily. I was around six, so the memory faded with time, but it still made me smile. “I don’t say it enough, but I love you both.’’

They stopped then, and my mother grabbed my hand, forcing me to face them when all I wanted at that moment was to leave and lick my wounds so damn raw it was hard to hide them.

“Did something happen with Lydia Burton?’’

“No.’’ I chuckled then because of course, that was their first thought. They kept waiting for something to happen with her, but the reason for my ever-present sadness was much stupider. “She’s a good person, and she doesn’t force anything between us.’’

“Except there’s something. You’ve been quiet these past few weeks,’’ Dad said, voicing what I knew worried them a lot.