Messy Love(76)
***
WYATT
I pressed decline when my mom’s name flashed on my phone. It was the second time today, the seventh time this week and it was only Tuesday. I glared at the phone on the coffee table. When it didn’t ring back, I let some of the tension in my shoulders go.
My days were made of darkness since I broke Marissa’s heart, hurting her to protect her better, but she didn’t know it. I bet she had been bitching me since last Sunday, calling me every name under the sun. She probably believed that I didn’t fucking hurt from missing her, from hurting her that way. Shit, for all I knew she regretted what happened between us when I could never regret it. She offered me temporary relief from my darkness, showed me life in another light, forcing me to open my eyes to what could have been if only I hadn’t been fucked from the moment I took my first breath.
The worst was since I had found my old stuffed turtle on my doorstep after someone made sure to knock and leave before I could catch who I knew was my biological father playing tricks on me, nothing happened. I was lulled into a false sense of safety, making me nearly believe that I fucked up one of the best things that had ever happened to me for absolutely nothing. But that wasn’t the truth.
I knew it in every bone of my body. I knew it in every beat of my heart.
My fucked up biological father, the man that had put that darkness inside of me, bid his time until I was weakened and he’d get me down. I had no idea what he wanted, but nothing good could come from this.
My life was on the brink of another change, and that change wouldn’t bring anything good to me. That was probably why I screened my parents’ phone calls, why it took Ralph to come to my place to get in touch with m. Why I hid away in my apartment and then worked at the gym harder under the watchful eyes of my boss who had warned me yesterday to curb my mood with the clients.
It was easy for him to say when his whole damn world wasn’t about to get destroyed, when he hadn’t taken out of his fucking chest his heart to stomp on it because of his son of a bitch biological father.
“You should answer that,’’ Ralph mumbled while munching on pizza leftover I hadn’t bothered warming up. I hadn’t eaten anything healthy since Saturday, and I didn’t see that changing anytime soon. I was in a 'fuck it all' mood. Better that than the scared little boy attitude I showed on Sunday after Marissa left and the tears I cried for five minutes when her absence hit me like a ton brick on my chest.
“It’s none of your business,’’ I bit out and kept my eyes on the TV. I couldn’t care less who got killed this season’s Games of Throne. In all honesty, I didn’t give a damn what Ralph thought of my piss poor mood or the way I glared at everything and anything, the way I shut him out when he asked me about Marissa, and I said that it was over and to not talk about it.
“I've had it with you. Shit, man, what crawled up your ass?’’ He threw the crust of his pizza on the open box and glared at me from his seat on the couch. I didn’t have to glance at him to see his annoyed face. I saw plenty enough in the corner of my eyes.
“I didn’t ask you to come here.’’
“Right. Because you’re avoidin' everybody. Shit, man, if you fucked up with Marissa again, take it on yourself, not on the others and do somethin' to get back with her.’’
“Shut up.’’
“I’m tired of—''
“I said to SHUT THE FUCK UP!’’ I screamed at the top of my lungs, my voice roaring so loudly my ears rang. My chest heaved, the up and down motion accentuation the sickness I felt growing inside of me, that same urge to puke my guts up always present since Sunday morning.
I turned to face Ralph, and the surprise on his face that had his eyes wide open and his mouth hanging wide didn’t register immediately. It sure didn’t stop me from reaching out to grab the neck of his t-shirt and pulled him closer to my face. He was leanly muscled, but still, a brick to move usually, but it was nothing against the madness within me, fed by my demons.
I pulled him close until we were nose to nose. My eyes planted in his dared him to open his trap and say some shit I didn’t want to hear again. He didn’t. He was smart enough to get that I was past my limits and that nothing good could come out of this moment.
A nagging voice in the back of my head whispered to me that I was fucking up left and right, but that didn’t stop me, even if that voice sounded an awful lot like my adoptive mother. She had been my conscience from the moment I had met her, and it had helped me calm down when I sometimes went on a rampage, but this time around, it did nothing to me. In fact, it only reminded me that what I had thought was a part of my past wasn’t.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about, Ralph. You think you have it tough for not finding success in New York and being back here with your parents that are getting on your nerves? Man, I wish I had that kind of issues to bitch about. Get out of my hair. Now.’’ I pushed him away so hard his back hit the back of the couch with a thud.
His mouth shut tight then and with a shake of his head, he jumped to his feet and walked out of the apartment.
Another person left that I drove away.
I put my elbows on my legs, hid my face in my hands and tugged on the roots of my hair. Desperation and fear clogged my throat. I swallowed and swallowed, but nothing could go past the knot there. I was drowning.