Marek (Cold Fury Hockey #11)(7)
I guess I can see that. I mean, at her age, what does she really understand if she doesn’t have experience with it? A thought strikes me. “Does she even know what a father is?”
Gracen nods. “I think so. I mean…she gets that her grandpa is my dad. But she’s just never asked about it. And well…with Owen—”
“Fuck,” I curse under my breath, and turn away from her. The surge of anger rises once again and I’m pissed at her…once again. She was going to let another man raise my daughter.
“I’m sorry,” she murmurs.
“Sorry doesn’t fucking cut it,” I snap at her, struggling to keep my voice low when I really want to yell at her at the top of my lungs.
Gracen sighs, but then straightens her spine as she looks back to me. “I need you to wipe that scary-as-hell look off your face if you’re going to sit down beside me while we tell her this. I don’t want her to be afraid of you.”
And just like that, my anger dissipates as I realize just how important this is that Lilly has a good impression of me. Reed was so fucking right. I can’t let my negative feelings for Gracen be evident around Lilly. It would be a fucking travesty to confuse the hell out of her in that way. I can’t do that to her because things are going to be confusing enough.
Gracen seems to be satisfied by whatever expression she sees on my face now. I’ve got the anger under control, but now my stomach is churning with anxiety, so I’m betting she’s getting that loud and clear from me. I can see the same on her face.
She turns away from me to pick up the remote control and she aims it at the TV to turn it off.
“Hey,” Lilly whines as her glazed eyes focus on her mom. “I was watching Paw Patrol.”
“You can watch it later.” Gracen’s voice is firm and no nonsense, yet soft and tender at the same time. It’s impressive, actually, and must be a mom thing.
The one thing I’ve learned in what little I’ve been able to observe about the dynamics of their relationship is that Lilly is a really good kid. Sure she has a meltdown here and there, but she’s so damn easy to redirect. Gracen is a pro at focusing her on something else other than her toddler tantrum in progress, and within minutes, she has Lilly giggling over something else.
“Okay, Mommy,” Lilly says in agreement, her voice honey sweet, and even though I don’t know this child at all, it speaks to my heart in some weird, primal way.
“Come in the living room, baby,” Gracen says as she motions with her hand. “Marek and I want to talk to you.”
Lilly jumps off the chair where she’s been sitting, her enthusiasm for life in general evident in the way she moves. My feet feel like they’re filled with lead as I follow her into the living room. Gracen sits down in an armchair by the window that overlooks the backyard. Lilly doesn’t need an invitation as she climbs up onto her mom’s lap. I sit down on the couch on the opposite side of the living area, using the large padded ottoman between us as a buffer of sorts. I don’t want to appear intimidating to Lilly.
When Lilly settles into Gracen’s lap, wiggling her little butt to do so, she shoots me a shy look. I try for a reassuring smile, but it feels weird on my face. Lilly immediately looks to her mom, so I’m afraid it may have come off Joker-ish.
“Lilly, honey,” Gracen says softly, and there’s no hiding the quaver in her voice. She’s scared to death, and I wish I could make it better for her, yet I don’t know how. I also don’t want to make it better for her. This is her bed she made, so I have some satisfaction in letting her lie in it. I’m a twisted fuck. “You know we’re living here in Marek’s house, right?”
Lilly nods her head, her lips pursed solemnly as she watches her mom with utter trust.
“Well,” Gracen continues hesitantly. “This might be hard to understand, but Marek is actually your daddy.”
Lilly’s head slowly turns and she looks at me. I can tell she doesn’t understand. My heart feels like it’s about to burst out of my chest.
“He’s your daddy just the way I’m your mommy,” Gracen continues. “The way Pop-Pop is my daddy, Marek is your daddy.”
Lilly just stares at Gracen and I’m not sure she’s comprehending. Gracen’s eyes slide over to me and I nod of reassurance. She’s doing way better than I ever could.
Gracen shifts a little in the chair, cuddles closer to Lilly. She reaches her arm around Lilly’s back in a protective cocoon. “You see, Marek and I used to be very good friends. And we made you together out of a whole lot of love. So he’s your daddy and I’m your mommy.”
Fuck. I swallow hard against the emotion. We made you from a whole lot of love.
I lock my jaw down hard and grit my teeth against the feelings bombarding me. It all comes rushing back…just how much Gracen and I loved each other.
My eyes focus on Lilly. Of all the questions I expect her to ask…
Where has he been all this time?
Why didn’t you tell me before?
Will we live here forever?
Will he be my daddy now forever?
Does he love me?
She floors me when she looks at Gracen with the utmost seriousness and asks, “Are you going to marry him?”
Gracen doesn’t even look to me for guidance. Her answer is immediate and swift. “No, honey. Your daddy and I are only friends who both love you very much. We’re both going to take care of you and help you to grow up to be such a big girl. And I know this is hard to understand, but I’m really sorry you didn’t know he was your daddy before. Mommy should have told you a long time ago and it was wrong of me—”