Marek (Cold Fury Hockey #11)(6)
“It’s a little hard,” I growl as I lean toward him slightly. “You know, given the fact she hid my kid from me for over three fucking years.”
“Well, figure it out,” he retorted, and spared me no further sympathy. “It’s done. Figure a way to accept it, because Lilly’s the one that’s going to get hurt.”
I jerked back from him as if he’d punched me. “I’d never hurt her.”
“If you hurt her mom, you hurt her,” Reed said in a quiet voice that made me feel about an inch tall.
I shook my head in denial. “I would never let her see how I feel about her mom.”
“You already have,” Reed said, and I hated him for a split second for being so right. “The way you’ve treated Gracen—bullying her, ignoring her. It speaks volumes, and kids are perceptive. And since we’re talking about it, how do you feel about Gracen? Because that was a bold move bringing them both down here and installing them in your house.”
My spine stiffens at the implication. “It was the only way I could see Lilly.”
“Yeah, not true,” Reed counters with a blasé smirk. “You could have left them there and worked out visitation. You could have put them up in another house. In fact, that’s probably the better idea, given how you can’t seem to stand to be around Gracen.”
Christ, I hated that he was right and also wrong. I wish he was just right, because him being wrong would mean that I’d have to admit that Gracen had never fully left my heart. The last four years she’s been in my thoughts.
Not necessarily in a consuming way.
But it was often, and there were always regrets over how I’d broken her heart.
Maybe that’s why I’m so pissed at her, because it alleviates my guilt for abandoning her.
And the one thing she keeps throwing back at me that makes my guilt intensify is that I did indeed tell her that I didn’t want the responsibility. I wanted to go off to my new career as a professional hockey player and I wanted the freedom. I didn’t want to worry about her. I didn’t want to have the commitment. I didn’t want love weighing me down. I was honest with her because I felt she deserved to know the truth. In addition to being my girlfriend of five years, my lover for almost as many, she was my very best friend. I could tell her anything, and always told her the truth. I had no fucking idea she’d take that so much to heart that she would possibly think I wouldn’t be there for her through a pregnancy. It’s like she didn’t know me at all.
Fuck, this is a mess of epic proportions.
I got Reed off my back by assuring him that I’d talked to Gracen last night and that I was going to focus everything on Lilly and getting to know her. That seemed to mollify him somewhat, but I know he’s still skeptical.
That’s all right; I’m still a little pissed at him for butting into my business and for his opinions actually being right. So things were strained between us when he and Josie left.
Gracen takes a sip of her coffee, and I know it’s to avoid looking at me. I hold my gaze on her, and when she finally gives me her eyes, I nod toward Lilly.
I don’t miss the look of slight panic on Gracen’s face, and for a moment, I think she might mean to balk because she doesn’t think I’m good for Lilly. But then she gives me a smile—I’d call it brave, perhaps—and walks across the kitchen toward me.
When she comes toe to toe with me, she angles her body and leans in to whisper, “I have to admit, I have no clue what to say to her. I know how mad you are for the deception, and honestly, I’m terrified to get that from Lilly.”
For one brief and glorious moment, I let the wall of anger down and I let myself have some compassion for Gracen. No matter how furious I am with her and how badly I think of her at times, I don’t ever want Lilly to think badly of her mother. That just won’t do, because as much as I want a relationship with my daughter, I don’t ever want to take away or diminish the love she has for Gracen.
I talk without even thinking it through. “Tell her that I’ve been away and haven’t been able to see her yet. Or something like that.”
Gracen’s eyes widen at my unexpectedly generous offer to pull all the blame off her shoulders, and part of me wants to take it back. But Gracen doesn’t even give my offer any credence. She shakes her head almost violently and glares at me. “I won’t lie to her. This is on me and I’ll bear it. I’m just…I just want to say the right words to her.”
“What are the right words, Gracie?” I ask softly, stunned that without thought I lapse into using my nickname for her. I was the only one who ever called her Gracie.
“I don’t know,” she murmurs. “She’s just never asked about who her father is. She’s always seemed to be cool with having a mommy and two grandparents that dote on her. I’m not even sure she understands the traditional notion of a family, having a mommy and a daddy.”
“You’re kidding,” I say in astonishment.
Gracen shrugs. “I live with Mom and Dad. They watch her while I’m at work. She doesn’t have a lot of exposure to other children. Just my sister, Beverly, and her two kids, when they come to town to visit. But Bev has been divorced since before Lilly was born, so she’s not really seen a daddy figure in her cousins’ lives either.”