Marek (Cold Fury Hockey #11)(2)
“She needs to know,” I say, the emotion thick on my tongue.
“Agreed,” Gracen murmurs. “But it has to be done right, and it has to be done together, and it can’t be done when you aren’t ever here. More than that, I only want to tell her if you plan on being active in her life. She’d be crushed if you weren’t interested in her, and I’m not about to risk breaking her heart like that. You’re a dick, Marek. Have been since the moment you dumped me four years ago because you didn’t want me dragging you down in your new, fancy professional athlete life. But you cannot be that way with your daughter. I won’t let you, and I’ll fight you every step of the way to protect her.”
“Christ,” I mutter as I drag a hand through my hair in frustration. “I need a beer. Want one?”
Gracen shakes her head but follows me into the kitchen. I flip on the overhead light and snag a beer from the fridge. I watch as she sits on one of the short stools on the far end of the L-shaped kitchen island. She looks exhausted and frazzled, like she could snap at any moment.
I’m such a sick bastard that part of me revels in that, because it’s pretty much how I’ve felt ever since I found out I had a daughter I didn’t know about.
Wait…strike that.
If I’m honest—and I’ll only be honest with myself at the moment—I felt that way since learning that Gracen was going to get married. It hit me so hard I felt like I’d been hip checked and slammed into the ice face first. I’d managed to lead my life after Gracen, sometimes going weeks without thinking—too much—about her. Never thought about her when I was with other women, which is why I tried to be with a lot of women. Kept the memories away.
But there was no way I could let her marry Owen. He would have destroyed her spirit, and that would have been a travesty to the world. I may have left her behind, but I never failed to remember that in doing so, I probably would never find better again in my life. It was a choice I had to make at the time and had never once truly regretted. Might have bemoaned it, but I didn’t let myself have regret.
When I left Gracen—who is three years younger than me—she finished college and got her nursing degree. I knew she’d never do it if she followed me for my career.
Now I know that she not only finished college after I left, but she did so while going through a pregnancy alone and raising a daughter all by herself. It’s no wonder she latched on to Owen, who could have provided her with a very posh lifestyle.
Gracen clasps her hands in front of her and watches me guardedly with the safety of a kitchen island between us. It’s the first time we’ve had an extended conversation since I brought her here.
I take a swig from my bottle and then lean back against the fridge. I fight to temper the anger at Gracen with my need to get to know my daughter.
“I want her to know I’m her father,” I finally say to her.
“And will you be a father to her?” Gracen asks primly.
It’s a fair question, but it pisses me off. “I would have been three years ago when she was born if you’d have fucking told me about her,” I retort.
Gracen sighs as she stands from the stool. “I can’t do this with you, Marek. You’re the one who left me behind. You’re the one who said you didn’t want the responsibility while you went on to your high-profile career.”
“For fuck’s sake, Gracen,” I growl as I storm across the floor to the island and set my bottle down so hard on the counter foam shoots out of it. “I wanted a little bit of fucking freedom. I was young and had stars in my eyes. But I never would have turned my back on you if you were pregnant.”
“Oh really?” she snarls as she slams her hands down on the counter, just two feet across from me. “And how was I supposed to know that? How was I supposed to fathom that when I was scared shitless over being pregnant and alone? When the man I loved and trusted dumped me because his career was more important?”
“It doesn’t matter what I did to you,” I say softly, the anger vibrating in my chest. “I had a right to know I had a child. You deprived me of three years with my daughter, and nothing I did to you would ever justify that. Nothing you could say could ever make up for that.
Gracen deflates right before my eyes. She seems to shrink inward on herself and her eyes go flat. Whatever I thought I knew about her selfishness in hiding Lilly from me, I suddenly realize that no matter how furious I am with her, it pales in comparison to the guilt she’s feeling.
She raises a shaky hand and pushes back a lock of hair behind her ear. Her eyes focus on my beer bottle and her voice quavers with strain. “Um…I’m a…kind of tired. Haven’t been sleeping well. I’m just going to hit the bed and we can talk about it in the morning.”
Guilt and concern gnaw at me but I push it back. “You’re not leaving, Gracen. Whatever it is you’re thinking, don’t be thinking that. I want time with Lilly, and that means she stays here.”
Her blue eyes are flat and unemotional as she looks up to me. She finally gives the barest of nods in acknowledgment and turns away. I watch her walk up the back staircase to the second floor, shoulders hunched, legs moving like they’re filled with lead.
When she’s out of sight, I pick up my beer and dump the rest of it down the drain. I’m exhausted and suddenly can’t wait to close my eyes and block out the world for at least a little bit.