Hardcore Twenty-Four (Stephanie Plum #24)(28)

“Yeah, but he could be a zombie by now if he’s in the zombie cemetery.”

The cemetery on Morley Street was small as far as cemeteries go. It was attached to a nondenominational church that was also small. Both were very old, dating back to the Revolution.

Marie parked in the church parking lot and took her cooler and grocery bag through the wrought iron gate that led to the cemetery.

“Now what?” Lula said.

“We wait. I don’t want to create a scene when the mother is there.”

“That’s real nice of you.”

It had nothing to do with being nice. Marie Krakowski was an additional complication. One more person to worry about. She could be carrying a gun in the cooler. Never underestimate a protective mother.

She was in the cemetery for twenty minutes. When she returned to her car she was empty-handed. I waited for her to leave the parking lot and then I entered the cemetery.

“Stay here at the gate,” I told Lula. “If he takes off on me, he’ll run this way and you can stop him.”

“No problem,” Lula said, “but we should have a code word if that happens, so I’m ready.”

“How about if I yell out ‘Stop him!’”

“Yeah, that’ll work. And I’m getting my gun ready, so if any zombies show up I can shoot them in the head.”

I followed the path from the gate toward the heart of the cemetery. Most of the headstones here were old and weather beaten, names and dates no longer readable. The newer graves were located at the far end, but they were few and far between. The plots had been used for generations, and space was scarce.

I found Zero Slick sitting with his back to a tombstone, dousing a ham sandwich with Tabasco sauce. He looked up when I approached, but he didn’t seem alarmed.

“So?” I asked.

“So, what?”

“What are you doing here?”

“Eating lunch. Go away.”

“I feel like there’s a story here,” I said to Slick.

“It’s none of your business.”

“Not true,” I said. “I’m supposed to capture you. Right now, everything you do is my business.”

“Capturing me won’t do anybody any good.”

“It’ll be good for me. I get money when I bring you in.”

“A pittance compared to what I’m going to make. Two months from now I’ll be world-famous, and you’ll still be nothing.”

“How so?”

“I’m not telling you.”

“Here’s the deal. I’m going to cuff you and drive you back to the police station. Court is in session right now so you’ll be able to get bonded out again, and you’ll be free to come back to this cemetery in a couple hours.”

“No way. I’m not leaving the cemetery. I have important work to do here.”

I reached for him, and he jumped away. I pulled my cuffs and stun gun out, and he took off, running for the gate. I yelled “Stop him!” and a couple seconds later I heard ooof and wump. By the time I got to Lula, she was sitting on Slick, and he was struggling to breathe.

I cuffed him, and Lula and I hauled him to his feet.

“Another minute and I would have been dead,” Slick said, sucking air. “How much do you weigh? Three hundred pounds? You need some serious portion control. You probably eat enough every day to feed half of the people who are starving in Burundi.”

“Look who’s talking,” Lula said. “Mr. Pudgy Wudgy.”

“I’ll make a deal,” Slick said. “If you let me stay here, I’ll let you buy in to my project.”

“No,” I said.

“You have to let me stay!” Slick said. “This could be my big break.”

“You’ll only be gone for a couple hours,” I told him.

“I’ll be gone forever. No one’s going to bond me out this time. My parents aren’t going to bond me out again. And I have no one else.”

“Not my problem,” I said.

“He’s got my curiosity,” Lula said. “I want to know about the big break. I’m always on the lookout for a big break.”

“It’s the zombies,” Slick said. “I found the portal. There’s only one place in this whole cemetery where the earth has been disturbed.”

“You aren’t gonna turn into a zombie, are you?” Lula asked. “I have to tell you that’s not a big break. Those zombies are unattractive.”

“I’m going to film them,” Slick said. “I’m going to make a zombie documentary. It’s genius, right? Nobody’s done it.”

“Because there really aren’t zombies?” I asked.

“Don’t pay attention to her,” Lula said to Slick. “She’s one of them disbelievers. I think this has potential. How are you gonna do this?”

“I’m going to sit here and wait until the zombies show up. I figure they might be coming and going. Like this is home base. And then when they show up I’m going to film them.”

“You got equipment?” Lula asked.

“I have a GoPro that has infrared filming, and I have my cellphone.”

“I might know where you can get some professional stuff,” Lula said. “As I see it, your big problem is stopping the zombies from eating your brain.”