Fallen Woman(51)

I was out of work for the next two weeks dealing with Emmy’s herx and constant doctor’s appointments. Pearl couldn’t take her to them, and I needed help with the twins so I could. We’d gotten her on a treatment plan that seemed to be working, but it was a slow process, and the recovery was just as time consuming. I’d be screwed if it weren’t for Drake, Holland, and Max. I didn’t know if Jase said anything to them, or if they genuinely just needed my company, but they’d been around a lot recently and had me with them several nights.

Drake and Max were lovely as always, but something changed with Holland. After that night in the back of the limo, he’d seemed to think it was acceptable to be flirtier, more…hands on. He hadn’t crossed the line again, not that I blame that solely on him, but he certainly danced around it. Each time I saw him, he got a little more comfortable touching me in places I didn’t think he had any business being. I knew if I’d told Jase, it would have stopped, but so would the dates, and at five hundred dollars a pop, it was the only way I’d keep the visits to multiple doctors and treatments paid for. I was able to justify it in my mind as long as it wasn’t physical—I told myself I owed this to my daughter for what she had to endure due to my negligence. So, I kept my mouth shut and tolerated his behavior.

I had hoped to return to work after two weeks, but with lingering symptoms in the third, I wasn’t comfortable leaving Miss Pearl to deal with four kids alone. She’d started showing signs of illness, and I couldn’t risk Emmy getting sick. I was taking enough of a chance allowing the twins to go over there during the day, but Emmy’s immune system was too fragile.

There are some benefits to being friends with one of the senior partners. Jase had gotten all the paperwork from Human Resources for me to file for FMLA, and I didn’t have to worry about my job, but without making an exception to company policy, once my vacation was used, I was on leave without pay.

When Holland called to ask about a last-minute event he’d decided to attend, I couldn’t turn him down. Miss Pearl agreed to watch the kids, and I knew they’d be asleep in an hour or so anyhow, so I changed and waited for him to pick me up. I didn’t know where we were going, but he’d said business casual, so I put on slacks and a silk blouse with heels. I tried to dress up the outfit a little with some sparkly jewelry, but when I looked in the mirror, I didn’t see much I was proud of. I was starting to look my age, maybe older. I felt haggard and the reflection matched that.

Holland arrived on time, looking dapper as usual. I liked him a lot—he was a great guy, and next to Jase, had been my favorite of his friends. But every time I saw him now, texted with him or spoke to him on the phone, I was flooded with memories of having him in my mouth. I warred with whether or not it was an experience I’d enjoyed at the time, even if I regretted it after. If I were honest, there was a tiny piece of me—a smidgen I wanted to ignore—that had indeed enjoyed it. Not Holland himself, but the act of intimacy with a man. I pretended those needs no longer existed in my world, but they did and they were strong. He just wasn’t the man I craved them from.

It turned out Holland didn’t have an event…he didn’t want to go to dinner alone. Part of me wanted to be irritated, but I got the impression he was doing this as a favor to me. He may not know why I needed the money, but he knew and this was his way of helping me out.

After dinner, he said he needed to stop by his house before he took me home. I didn’t question it. He’d bought my time for the evening, and if that meant he wanted to stand on the sidewalk and stare at passing traffic, that’s what we’d do. He had me follow him inside and into his study. He reached into a drawer in his desk and handed me a wad of cash. When he handed it to me, he hovered in my personal space. I watched his eyes caress my body and desire begin to fill his gaze. He didn’t make a move to initiate contact, but he didn’t stop taking me in, either.

I hadn’t dated in high school. My sole focus was getting out of the projects, and I’d met Ryan in college and married him. That was it. That was as far as I’d gotten. I hadn’t had any intimate contact with any man other than Holland since Ryan had been arrested—and I was pregnant with Emmy then. I liked Holland, and if I’d never met Jase, Holland would have been someone I could have found myself easily attracted to, but I had met Jase first.

Holland had this way of reminding me, without saying anything, that Jase wasn’t mine and I wasn’t his—there was nothing beyond friendship on Jase’s part. I think Holland knew my feelings leaned romantically toward his friend, but he never really acknowledged it other than that one time he said Jase would never feel the same about me. Holland kept coming back for more; he wanted to spend time with me, so much so he paid to do it. It had ceased to be just about having someone on his arm and became more about actually spending time with me. He hadn’t openly admitted that, but tonight was evidence.

He motioned for me to take a seat on the couch. “Would you like a glass of wine?” The offer of a nightcap wasn’t something I was interested in.

“I appreciate it, but not tonight.”

“I know you have a lot on your mind, Gianna. I’m sure missing work has made things even tougher for you, regardless of how much Drake and Jase have helped you out.” He opened a cabinet to reveal a small built-in bar and poured the wine while he talked. With the two glasses of red in hand, he came to my side and took a seat on the couch.