Can't Let Go(22)

When Abby awoke that morning, she was surprised to find that—for once, she had slept through an entire night. The warmth that surrounded her was calming, the quiet sounds of his breathing familiar.

But as soon as the events of the night before stirred in her memory, she pulled away, looking around the room. “Good morning.” His voice was always so soothing. She looked up to find his eyes staring down at her, almost hopeful in the morning light. “Sleep okay?” She realized that they were in a bed—Hayley and Blake’s bed.

“Actually…” She couldn’t keep the shock from her voice. “I did.”

“Good. You needed it.” Abby had a feeling Logan would never know quite how correct he was. There were a great many things she needed—most of them things that only Logan could give her.

She had spent the last four years with Eric, and never once had she felt as comfortable with him as she did with Logan. Never had her body ached for the feel of his arms, or the sound of his voice, or even just the simplest sweeping of his gaze.

She wasn’t aware of how much she missed him until she had seen him again.

She sighed, extracting herself from her position in his arms. “So—about last night—”

“Let’s just…not do this, Logan. Let’s just save ourselves the trouble of rehashing it all over again—”

“Abby.” She could tell by the tone of his voice that he was serious and she frowned. He was not going to let the night before go. “We have to talk.”

“What is there to talk about, Logan?” She lifted herself to her feet, straightening out the dress she still wore, determined not to have this conversation. She hadn’t meant for last night to happen—and she certainly didn’t want to relive it. A bad combination of exhaustion and too many emotions had finally overtaken her. “We both said things that we didn’t—”

“I meant everything.” And she closed her eyes, a sadness filling her heart. “I still love you, Abby.”

How many times had she longed to hear him say those words? How many times had she dreamed up a scenario such as this? How many times had she imagined happiness with Logan? “Say something.”

“What is there to say?” The pain was obvious in her voice. It was killing her, facing all of this. Knowing what was going to happen.

“Tell me you love me.” As soon as the words left his mouth, her heart broke. She closed her eyes again so that she wouldn’t cry.

“I can’t.” She kept her back to Logan, unable to face him. She couldn’t look him in the eye, knowing she was lying—knowing that he would be able to tell.

“Why not?” It almost sounded as if there were tears in his voice. She longed to look, but she couldn’t. She just couldn’t bring herself to turn around.

“Because I don’t.” Abby was surprised when she discovered that her chest hadn’t actually torn open as she uttered the words, feeling as if the lie had taken her own life.

“Because I don’t, Logan. I’m engaged to Eric. I’m going to marry him.”

“Eric will never make you happy.” She closed her eyes again, squeezing them shut as she willed the tears away. She knew that he was right. She would never feel with Eric the way she did when she was with Logan.

But that was the point, wasn’t it?

He could never hurt her the way Logan could, either.

“He doesn’t know you, Abby.”

“You keep saying that. But a lot of time has gone by. I’ve changed.”

“No you haven’t, Abigail. That’s bull—you and I both know it.” She shook her head, unable to find her voice, her back still to him so that he couldn’t see the sorrow in her expression. “You’re the same girl I fell in love with that night on the roof—you’re the same girl—”

“No, I’m not.” She spoke through clenched teeth. “I’m not that same naïve little girl, Logan. I’ve learned. You taught me.” The pain was almost undeniable as it roared within her—the scars Logan had left on her heart all those years ago were opening up and mingling with the fresh wounds she’d only just experienced.

“No—Abby, you’re right. You’ve grown up.” She knew he was standing right behind her now. She could feel his eyes on her, willing her to turn around. But she couldn’t. She couldn’t—because if she did, then he would see right through her. “But I’m willing to bet everything—everything I’ve got, everything I am—that he doesn’t know you.”

“Please don’t do this, Logan.”

“I have to.” She felt his hand touch her arm. “If he knew you, Abby, then you wouldn’t have come here alone. He wouldn’t have let you. He would have known that you say you don’t want help—but that sometimes, you actually need it. He wouldn’t have put that ring on your finger, because he would know that you hate anything flashy. He would have told you how amazing you looked yesterday—would have told you how happy Hayley would have been.”

“Please, Logan.” She didn’t want to hear it. She didn’t want to be reminded of how well he knew her.

Abby needed to believe that she was no longer the girl he’d fallen in love with—but he was making it impossible. She had tried so hard for so long to become someone new—someone different.

She didn’t want to be that girl who was so easily left behind.

“And if he knew you, he would have made an effort to make Hayley as much a part of his life as she was of yours. He wouldn’t have shunned her like the rest of his socialite friends—he would have been proud of her, because he would have known how much you cared about her.”

“That isn’t fair,” she whispered, shaking her head. “Don’t bring Hayley into this—”

“Hayley is part of this, Abby! Whether you want to hear it or not, it was no secret that Hayley didn’t think this Eric guy was the one for you. You and I both know it—”

“What are you talking about?” She did turn then, looking at Logan accusingly. “You have no idea what Hayley thought—”

“I know that she told me to come find you, Abby. I know that she didn’t think you were happy. Didn’t think that you were ever going to be happy.” She felt a sharp pain in her chest—a longing for her friend, and at the same time, a small betrayal. Why hadn’t Hayley told her these things? Abby had known Hayley wasn’t thrilled about the coupling, but she didn’t know that she had felt that strongly about it. “She wanted you to be happy.”

“Why would I agree to marry a man who I didn’t think could make me happy?”

“Because he’s predictable. Isn’t that what you said?” The sting was so strong, he may as well have slapped her. She wished she hadn’t said those words to him, though they had been the truth. She shouldn’t have told Logan—he was only going to use it against her.

“If you cared so much about me, Logan, then you would have come to me. All on your own. You wouldn’t have waited for something like this to happen—you wouldn’t have wasted all of this time. You—”

“I was afraid, Abby!” He took her hands in his. “I was afraid that you would hate me. I was afraid that I wasn’t worth it. I was afraid that I might ruin your life.” He shook his head. “Why do you think I left in the first place? I wasn’t going to make you choose, Abby—not like that. I wasn’t going to put you through that torment. I wasn’t going to take you away from your life. Not unless I was sure it would be worth it.”

They held each others eyes for a long moment, each of them feeling an ache in their chest at the memory. He’d left, taking away any need for her to make a choice. But it hadn’t been his choice to make—and Abby couldn’t forget the pain it had caused.

She understood why. She knew the logical reasons. But her heart still bore the burden. She had actually believed that they could have a happy ending, all those years ago.

But Abby had learned. She had woken up and realized that life was not at all like a fairytale.

“Six years ago, Logan, I would have given anything for you. Anything you asked for—it would have been yours. You were the love of my life.” The tears overwhelmed her and she paused for a moment, looking up at the ceiling. “If someone had told me that you were going to up and leave—I wouldn’t have believed them. Even the morning you left, I couldn’t quite believe it.

“It was like someone had ripped a piece of me away, and I had to learn to live without it. And it hurt me. It took me a long time to try and fill that void.” Abby finally looked down, wiping at her tears. “I waited for you. I thought you might come back to me—thought you might realize that what we had was something…special. Something worth fighting for. But you didn’t. You just gave up.”