Bullet(88)

I wasn’t about to do that to Brad, whether Ethan was my fiancé or not.

All the guys were still asleep, Ethan himself still in my bed. So I pulled my hair back into a loose ponytail and grabbed my purse.

I was finally working again, this time waiting tables at a café during the graveyard shift three nights a week, but Brad insisted upon buying. “Mocha, right?” I nodded, and I missed what he got for himself, but it wasn’t anything fancy like mine.

We sat at a table outside in the warm sun. I could tell it was going to get hot later, but this early in the shade it was beautiful. Brad slid his sunglasses back on. I didn’t like that. Brad telegraphed so much through his eyes, and I suspected he was putting his sunglasses on to hide from me. It was bright outside too, but under that umbrella, it shouldn’t have bothered him so much.

He really was a gorgeous guy. He was fully a man now, and—Ethan or not—I appreciated Brad’s beauty. His hair was long now, way past his shoulders, and his jaw was firm and strong. His normally clean-shaven face had a shadow that made him look that much more attractive. And his display of tattoos grew season by season. I saw a new one, an arrow on his forearm, and I wondered what it meant.

But I wasn’t going to ask.

“Val, I don’t want you to feel bad, okay, but we need to talk.”

I nodded. “Yeah, we do.”

“That night…did it mean anything to you?”

Oh, God, no. No. Why did he have to ask? Why did he need to know? I started clenching my jaw, trying to stop the tears from filling my eyes. But I knew Brad could sense it just by looking at me. I blinked, hoping the tears wouldn’t come. My voice cracked. “Yes.”

He nodded. God, I wanted to see his eyes. But I wasn’t going to ask him to take his glasses off. He swallowed and then sipped his coffee. “Do you love him?”

Jesus Christ. Why was he asking me all these things? Was he trying to hurt me, hurt himself? I couldn’t do this. It was raw. It was too much. “Why? Why do you want to know?”

His voice was calm, steady. He let out a smooth breath. “I need to know.”

“Why?”

He was at war with himself. I could see that the part of him that was just my friend wanted to tell me everything, but the part of Brad that had made love to me just a few weeks ago was protecting himself. He was vulnerable. “If you love him, I’ll support your decision, and I’ll never say anything about that night again. Ever.” He took off his sunglasses and looked at me. How he managed to make his eyes look so emotionless, I’ll never know.

“But if you tell me you don’t, I’ll fight for you.”

I sucked in a deep breath, because I suddenly felt like the star quarterback who’d just been tackled by the other team’s entire lineup.

I too was battling myself inside. I couldn’t lie to Brad. By the same token, if I told him the entire truth—that, yes, I loved Ethan, but I wasn’t sure where it was going to go—he’d do what I knew in the back of my mind he’d already been doing. He’d told me so long ago, when we’d first met and we both recognized that there was something inexplicable between us, that he would wait for me. He would ride out whatever feelings I had for Ethan. And I knew…right now I knew just looking in his eyes that if I was completely honest with him…if I told him the truth, that I didn’t feel like I could completely trust Ethan, that I couldn’t completely give myself over to Ethan, and that deep down I wondered if it would work…I knew he would continue to wait. And that wouldn’t be fair. It wouldn’t be fair to me, to Ethan…but, mostly, it wouldn’t be fair to Brad. He deserved more. He deserved better. And I wasn’t going to do that to him.

So I had to tell him the truth, but I wasn’t going to tell him about my reservations. I swallowed. “I love Ethan.”

He nodded. Then he took a deep breath and a sip of coffee and looked out at Colfax Avenue where the cars were whizzing by, in a hurry to go somewhere. He was quiet. Really quiet. And I dared not say a word. I wasn’t going to make it worse by talking and saying something stupid and f*cking insipid. He had to sort through this, and if his insides were only half as jumbled as mine, he was a mess. He needed to process, didn’t need a stupid girl talking while he had to do that.

I rested my chin on my fist and just looked down at the metal table. I wanted to stop being an adult now, but this was a mess I helped create, and I needed to deal with it. I just had to make sure I didn’t cry right now.

After several minutes, Brad said, “Thanks for being honest with me, Valerie.” He took another deep breath and slid his sunglasses back on his face. He stuck out his hand. “Friends?”

I took his hand. “Of course. Forever.”

And I meant that. Brad had been and would always be the best friend I’d ever had, and I was so grateful that wasn’t going to change now.

* * *

Several months passed as Ethan eased into sobriety. He was taking baby steps. I wasn’t a part of his rehab, but he attended a couple of classes a week, and he had someone he could call when things got tough. And, as Fully Automatic, we literally banded together, foregoing parties and drinking altogether in support of Ethan.

For a while, things between Brad and me were stiff. We’d made the pledge to be friends, but that didn’t mean it was easy on either of us, but for him in particular, I knew it had to be hard, and, frankly, I questioned my decision at times, but when I saw how strong Ethan was growing from day to day, and I saw the changes he was trying to make in his behaviors, I was glad I’d done it.

In November, both Brad and I heard from Clay. Last Five Minutes had just wrapped up recording on their first studio CD, one they called Point of No Return, based on one of my favorite songs of theirs, now the title track. That particular song was also being released as a single later that month along with their first video. Clay called one night, and we talked for a while. I was excited and happy for them, and I told Clay that. Of all the indie bands I’d met in the last couple of years, his band was one of the most deserving.

“So, how have you been, Val?”

“Oh, you know…not much has changed since I saw you last.”

“You seeing anybody?” Oh…how could I tell him? I couldn’t forget when he’d said he wanted to punch Ethan’s teeth out. But I was too slow in forming the words. “Okay…I guess the better question would be who are you seeing?”

I let out a breath. God, I was transparent to everyone. “Ethan and I are back together.”

He didn’t say anything at first. His silence was damning…either that, or I was feeling guilty. “You happy?”

I tried not to hesitate. “Yeah.”

“Was it true—he was in a coma for a couple weeks when you guys were playing a show in Texas?”

How had he heard that? Well, it didn’t matter. “Yeah, it’s true.”

“Promise me, Val. Promise me you’ll always choose yourself over Ethan’s bullshit.”

“Lot of faith you’ve got, Clay.”

“I have faith in you, Val. But I also know what an * Ethan has been to you. Sorry. No offense. I shouldn’t say shit.”

“It’s cool.” But it was time to change the subject. “What about you? You seeing anyone?”

“Eh…no one worth mentioning. When I told her she had a long way to go to live up to my last girlfriend, she got a little pissed.”

“Jesus, Clay. I wonder why.”

He laughed. “Heh. She wasn’t talkin’ to Clay. That was her first mistake.”

We talked and laughed for a while longer, and when I hung up, I realized how easy our friendship had become. I hoped Brad and I would eventually get back there too. We had to.





Chapter Thirty-eight



THAT NEXT JANUARY, Brad booked a Winchester-Colorado Springs-Pueblo circuit so we could play a few places where we hadn’t been in a while. It was also, I think, his way of helping me out. He knew Ethan was pressuring me on actually starting to arrange details for a wedding, and the only way I’d do that was with my mom. Due to our touring schedule, I’d only been home for a couple of days at both Christmas and Thanksgiving, and I’d spent time with Ethan’s family during the holidays too, so no planning had happened then. It was just too busy.

I think I was also putting things off a bit, but if you’d asked me then, I would have denied it. But we were in Winchester Saturday night and all of Sunday before heading back to Denver, and mom and dad put us all up for the night. I’d demanded Ethan respect my parents’ wishes, which meant we did not sleep together while we were there. In fact, I begged him to not say a word about it. Just because they suspected and probably knew was no reason to flat out tell them. I didn’t want my parents praying for my eternal soul. It was cool enough that they didn’t beg us to go to church with them on Sunday morning. They knew we were tired from our concert the night before. Danny was already back at college so he missed our concert, but mom and dad actually watched a couple of songs, even though the music wasn’t their thing. And, yeah…I was fully dressed for this concert. I was back in my old hometown and didn’t want my parents or old friends giving me grief about what I looked like. If we ever got a recording contract, I knew they’d figure it out, but for now, I didn’t want the hassle. I wanted to enjoy visiting.