Bullet(92)

I could hear them talking in the kitchen but, fortunately, their voices were low enough that I couldn’t make out what they were saying. Chris was being cute, walking around and touching things. I would tell him no, to not grab something off a bookshelf, and he’d grin at me and run back to hug me. Then he’d get a devilish grin on his face and do it again.

That behavior was adorable, but it reminded me of Ethan. He kept doing the same things over and over and over again, and I let him. The fact that I kept coming back to him excused, condoned…hell, encouraged his behavior. Because I kept loving him in spite of all the shit he dumped on me, he thought it was okay.

It was warm in Brad’s house, and I took off my jacket, laying it beside me on the couch. I kept talking to Chris quietly, and he’d answer and giggle, so it was almost easy enough for me to pretend Brad and Karen weren’t in the other room fighting. But their voices started getting louder. Karen escalated first, and it took a while for me to hear Brad’s words. “I’m done, Brad. I don’t need this shit.”

I couldn’t hear Brad’s response, but they were quiet for a minute. Then she said, “You’re an *.” I could hear Brad’s voice but still couldn’t make out his response to her. “You know…I thought if I stayed, you could love me. I thought you could forget this stupid hang up you have over that…twit, but you can’t. You just can’t let it go, and this is the final straw.”

“Karen…”

“No, I’m done.”

“Karen.”

“Fuck you, Brad. I am sick and tired of competing with the memory of someone else. I’m outta here.”

I couldn’t hear what Brad said next, but her words had gotten my attention. Still, I looked at my son and smiled and tried not to eavesdrop. Then Karen said, “It doesn’t matter. I called Jimmy anyway. He’s already waiting for me.”

I heard Brad’s voice again, but what he said? Not for me.

Karen stormed through the room toward the bedroom, ignoring us but barely avoiding my son. I grabbed Chris up off the floor and sat on the couch. Brad walked back in the living room with a sheepish look on his face. He looked apologetic. He stood, though, and after a few minutes, Karen rushed back out of the room, a large suitcase in hand. She said, “Don’t bother trying to stop me.” She marched over to the closet and pulled out her purse, then walked to the door. “I’ll be back tomorrow to get the rest of my things.” After she stepped out, she slammed it as hard as she could. Brad sighed. He looked tired.

If it had been anyone but Brad, the silence would have been uncomfortable. Finally, Brad looked at Chris and said, “Hey, little buddy.” He looked at me. “Can he have a cookie?”

“Yeah…I think a little spoiling by Uncle Brad would be fine.”

He forced a smile, and we started walking to the kitchen, Chris still in my arms. Brad said, “Sorry you had to hear that shit.” When we got to the kitchen, he offered me a chair, and I sat with Chris on my knee. He got a couple of vanilla wafers out of his cupboard and handed them to Chris, tousling my son’s hair afterward. “So…tell me what happened.”

I looked down at my hands. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Come on, Val. I know Ethan did this. What the f*ck was going on?” And that’s when he noticed my arm. He reached over and touched the bruises. “What the hell?” His brows furrowed. “Did you call the cops?”

And that’s when the tears just started to fall. I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t want to. I just wanted to let it all go. He pulled his chair closer and brought my head to his shoulder. Chris sat on the knee opposite that shoulder and before I closed my eyes, I saw him grab for a lock of Brad’s hair.

I don’t know how long I cried, but Brad wound up fetching a box of tissue at one point, and once my cries died down, he said, “Sure you don’t want to talk about it?”

I shook my head. “No. I don’t even want to think about it anymore.”

He nodded. “You need some sleep.” He tilted his head toward Chris whose own head was bobbing with sleepiness as well. “You can sleep on my bed.”

“Oh, no. I don’t want to take your bed.”

“I have a couch, Val. It’s no biggie.”

“I can stay at a motel.”

“Damn it, Val, just say yes.”

I searched his eyes. “What if Karen comes back tonight? I get the feeling she doesn’t like me very much.”

“Don’t worry about her. Just get some sleep. You need it.”

Well, I might have needed it, but it didn’t come easily. Chris lay next to a pillow in that queen-size bed, and I lay next to him, but I couldn’t drift off. Instead, I spent that time examining my entire life. I felt guilty too, because I knew I’d likely caused Brad to have a sleepless night as well. His girlfriend was leaving him, and—unless I was mistaken—I suspected the other woman she was hinting about was yours truly. The main reason? Oh, I knew Brad had been with plenty of women, but he hadn’t been serious about any of them. I rarely saw faces and never knew names. In fact, Karen was the only one who even came close, and his feelings for her hadn’t ever seemed completely genuine to me. Of course, I figured I felt that way just because Karen was rude and snotty to me.

I reached over and brushed over Chris’s hair with my hand. My precious child. He was probably the only reason why I was feeling any remorse over what had happened today. I felt angry with myself that I’d allowed this sense of love and loyalty to cloud my judgment. I was a child when I’d married Ethan, when I’d thought I was in love with him. And how many times over the years had I told him we were through and then I would come running back to him later?

Too many. Still, I couldn’t completely regret being with him. I wouldn’t have Chris in my life if not for Ethan. I wouldn’t have experienced a lot of life the way I had if not for him. So…I couldn’t regret my relationship with him, but it was toxic. He was toxic, and I had to break free. I had to do it now before I ran back one last time.

I also realized I wouldn’t have met Brad if not for Ethan.

Every time I tried to drift off, I imagined Ethan’s hands around my neck. What had I ever done to make him feel that much intense passion and rage? All I had ever done was love him and want to save him. But maybe he was past saving.

I heard Brad’s front door close. At first, I thought maybe Karen had come back to make up, but then I heard Brad start up his car and pull out of the driveway. God, Ethan’s scope had no end. My relationship was ruined and then my running to Brad caused him problems too, but I suspected he was trying to track his girlfriend down, patch things up. I wished him the best. Out of all the people I cared about, Brad had my heart the most. I wanted him to do what would make him happy, and if Karen was the way to his happiness, then I hoped he would be able to find her and fix whatever problems I’d managed to cause.

But I’d never admit there was a part of me that hoped Brad’s relationship was over too. And it wasn’t because misery loves company.

It was because of that one thing I still had yet to completely admit to myself.





Chapter Forty



I AWOKE THE next morning and sat up in Brad’s bed. God, that had been hard. I could smell him on his pillow, his sheets, and in between the painful dreams I’d had about Ethan, I dreamed of Brad as well. Not good.

My neck and throat were tender. I knew, though, that the pain was temporary. I stretched and tried to look around the room. It was still semi-dark, and I could tell the sun wasn’t up yet. Chris was still asleep, and that was surprising, but I knew yesterday had been hard on him as well. He was usually an early riser, hungry upon waking, so I knew he’d be up soon. But since he was still asleep and not stirring, I decided to take in the sunrise. I had no idea what would happen today or what was in store for tomorrow, so I wanted—I needed—to enjoy the hope of a sunrise, of a new day. I needed some inspiration and hopefulness. I needed a recharge.

I propped the pillow I’d slept on close to Chris’s side where I’d been sleeping just to prevent him from rolling off my side of the bed, and then I draped my legs over the edge. I’d slept in the shirt and underwear I’d worn the day before. I was going to want a shower at some point, but for now, I just grabbed my jeans off the chair in Brad’s room where I’d laid them last night and slipped them on.

I wasn’t sure what time Brad had returned the night before. I only knew that he had. As I walked through the living room, I saw him sleeping on the couch. Because it was still partially dark, I couldn’t see him well, but I could see that he had his shirt off under the sheet draped over his body. I felt some relief that he was able to go to sleep after what I’d put him through the night before.

Brad’s house was deep in the city so I didn’t know if I could really appreciate the sunrise, but I wanted to try it anyway. As quietly as I could, I unlocked the front door and walked outside onto the front porch. I sat on one of the two plastic chairs there, appreciating the brisk air, and I squinted through the trees to see the first colors of dawn trickling through the leaves.