Blood Sisters(100)
But it wasn’t enough for Vanessa. ‘That’s not the secret I was talking about …’
That was when Kitty realized that she didn’t like Vanessa any more. And that, despite everything, a real sister was more important than a blood sister.
Her so-called friend Vanessa hadn’t even called out when Kitty then pushed her to shut her up. Or if she had, it had been lost in the roar of the car which appeared almost out of nowhere.
And after that, she couldn’t remember anything. Until the baby was born.
77
February 2018
Alison
The machine is racing on. Yet my mind is still reeling from what Kitty has just said. I replay, again and again in my mind, my own memories of those crucial moments leading up to the accident …
‘Do you honestly think he’d be interested in you?’
Vanessa’s cold eyes. ‘Why not? Actually, that’s not the secret I was talking about. Come on, Kitty, you tell her or I do …’
‘No,’ said Kitty. She grabbed Vanessa’s arm. ‘Stop. Don’t say any more.’
Vanessa shook her off. ‘Leave me alone. Why shouldn’t I say? I don’t owe you any loyalty. Fine kind of blood sister you are.’
Roaring in my ears.
Roaring all around.
Two shapes flying through the air …
‘Alison,’ says Sarah gently. ‘Is this true? Kitty pushed Vanessa?’
For a moment I can’t move. Then I nod.
‘Can you tell us why you took the blame?’
I’ve asked myself this question over and over again since that July morning. Kitty had been horrid to me for most of my life. Even Robin had questioned why I continued to be nice to her. But I just couldn’t get rid of that longing inside. The need to have a sister who loved me. Who cared the way sisters are meant to care for each other. I kept thinking that one day she would grow out of it. That she would love me back. I pictured us as being best friends in the way that Vanessa and she were. I was jealous – I admit it – of Vanessa. I wanted Kitty to love me in the same way. I also knew that would make Mum happy.
But that’s not the whole truth. And now it falls on me to fill in the missing piece.
‘I took the blame because none of this would ever have happened if I hadn’t forged a note in my sister’s handwriting.’
‘You?’ blurts out the machine.
I’m looking straight at Kitty now. It’s as if there are only the two of us in the room. ‘You spilt coffee on my French essay. It’s why I messed up your knitting for the Guide Craft badge.’
‘You did that?’
‘Well, you shouldn’t have ruined my essay.’
It is as though we are arguing just as we’d done as kids. Except the machine is doing it for Kitty.
‘And I thought you’d hidden my history file too.’
Kitty is thumping her good arm on the chair so hard that Mum has to restrain it. ‘No I didn’t!’
‘But I thought you had, you see. It was … well, it was just the sort of thing you would have done. It sounds childish now but at the time it was so real. You knew how important history was to me. I thought you wanted to destroy my chances of going to university. So I borrowed your English exercise book for an hour. I copied your handwriting and wrote a note to Vanessa, saying you didn’t want to be her friend any more. That’s what I thought Vanessa was talking about when she said she knew something else. I presumed she’d found me out. I shouldn’t have done it. I’m really sorry.’
‘OK. But why did you take the blame when I pushed Vanessa?’
Everyone is waiting. Deep breath.
‘That day – you were standing up for me to Vanessa.’ My eyes are full of tears. ‘That was the first time you showed that you really cared about me. And then … then … the car came racing round the corner. You got hit. Vanessa died. And all I could think about was what Crispin had done to me. He deserved to be punished. How could I let you take the blame when you were in such a terrible state already? Later, when I came to see you in the home, I felt so awful. So guilty. Especially as you were pregnant. What kind of life would your child have thanks to me? If I hadn’t forged that note, you two might not have fallen out and then none of this would have happened. Something inside me said I had to take the blame. I considered myself responsible for your injuries. My actions meant I had blood on my hands. They led to your best friend’s death. So when it all came out I said the truth – I pushed you. I just didn’t tell them the rest of the story. That you got up and then pushed Vanessa.’
Sarah leans forward, looking me in the eye. ‘When a shock like this happens, people can often assume responsibility for an action that had nothing to do with them. In a way, it’s a bit like self-harming.’ She glances at my covered arms. ‘It makes us feel better sometimes to shoulder the blame. It might not seem logical, but it happens.’
Lily nods. She looks rather distant. ‘I get that.’
I swallow the lump in my throat. ‘It wasn’t until I saw Kitty, lying there all crumpled up, that I realized how much I really loved my sister. Even though I didn’t like her at times.’
‘Thanks!’ chips in the machine’s voice.