Blood Sisters(102)
It’s dated 1 January. Just over six months before the accident.
My Christmas wish still hasn’t come true – the one that I made a whole year ago when I helped Mum make the cake. I asked for a brother or a sister. It only takes nine months. I know that from biology at school. But nothing’s happened.
My mother’s eyes are blurred with tears. ‘Vanessa’s mother had several miscarriages. She told me once.’
I swallow the lump in my throat. ‘Some of the entries sound very grown up.’
‘Only children often are. I always thought she acted like someone who was far older.’
That was true. It just seems a shock to read these adult thoughts on the page.
But it’s the final entry that really gets me.
16 July 2001
Tomorrow’s the big day.
After that, Kitty will be all mine. Like a real blood sister.
Ali will blame her for sharing the secret with me.
And she won’t want anything to do with Kitty again.
It occurs to me, as I read this, that Vanessa and Kitty have just handed me the key to my particular prison. Yet I don’t want it. I deserve to be locked up for ever. Not just because of what happened that day. But for something else.
78
February 2018
Kitty
On the way home Kitty pretended to be asleep like baby Vanessa. But inside, her heart was going thud, thud, thud. ‘It was the machine’s fucking fault,’ she kept saying to herself. Yet at the same time, she felt a whole lot better inside. It was like this big weight had been lifted from her shoulders. Almost as heavy as that huge wave which had nearly carried her off until Half a Sister had rescued her all those years ago.
But now Lily had Vanessa’s diary! Vanessa would go mad if she knew that. No one was allowed to look at her diary. Not even Kitty. ‘No,’ Vanessa used to say when she was writing in it. ‘It’s mine. PRIVATE. See? Can’t you read?’
The funny thing was that she still loved Vanessa, even though she’d been so horrid at times. That’s why she’d called the baby after her. ‘Love makes no sense.’ She’d heard someone say that on the telly. And it was true.
When they finally got back, Friday Mum took ages to get her into the house. ‘Stop it,’ she said when Kitty grabbed her arm to make her hurry up. ‘You’ll give me another bruise. Your father should be around more. It’s not fair.’
Flabby Face Dad? No way. Kitty shuddered. If he hadn’t told her the secret about Ali’s dad, none of this would have happened. No wonder he’d upset her so much in the home. They were better off without him.
Then little Vanessa began to yell.
‘Stop it,’ shouted Kitty. ‘You’re hurting my ears.’
But, as usual, all that came out was a loud stream of nonsense.
‘Where’s the carer?’ Friday Mum ran her hands through her hair. ‘She’s meant to be here by now to help put you to bed.’
‘How the fuck should I know?’
Maybe it was just as well they’d left the machine behind. Sometimes Kitty almost felt ashamed of the things her mouth came out with. And her throat hurt with all the angry noise that she just couldn’t stop.
‘I don’t know who to feed first,’ cried Friday Mum. ‘You or Vanessa.’
‘Me! Me!’
But the baby was screaming loudest. Friday Mum picked her up and held her close, right next to the wheelchair. ‘There, there, little one. It’s all right.’ Then she glanced down at Kitty. ‘You’ll just have to wait a bit, love. I’ll be as quick as I can.’
That wasn’t bloody fair.
‘Kitty!’ shouted Friday Mum. ‘What are you doing? Let go of her. You’ll break her leg.’
‘Then fucking well feed me first.’
Her grip tightened. Vanessa was bawling so much it sounded as though she was choking.
‘Stop right now!’
Why should she? It wasn’t right that the baby always got more attention. Ouch!
Kitty looked down with horror at her arm. There was a bright red handprint. Friday Mum’s.
‘What have I done?’ Friday Mum was sobbing as much as Vanessa now. ‘I was just trying to stop you hurting her like that. I didn’t mean to hurt you too.’
Friday Mum was sitting on the floor now, rocking Vanessa back and forth and holding Kitty’s good hand – the same one that had grabbed the baby. Then she reached for her phone. ‘I’m sorry I have to do this, love. But something’s got to give. We can’t go on like this.’
79
June 2018
Alison
Today I am finally being released. Lily says things have happened fast, but it has seemed incredibly slow to me. She has managed to get my conviction overturned. Kitty’s testimony was taken into account, as well as my revised statement and Sarah’s psychological report.
Over the last few months Sarah has helped me to see what she calls ‘the bigger picture’. My stepfather had low self-esteem. Bullies often do. He had resented me for being part of Mum’s old life. For symbolizing the man who came before him.
But why had he told Kitty about my father? Most parents would try to shield their eleven-year-old from such a terrible story. Mum thinks it was to get back at her out of jealousy. Either way, we’ll never know, as Mum has now completely severed ties with him.