Blessed Tragedy(14)

I wrung my hands through my falling curls trying to calm down before I totally lost it. The past few days had me sitting on the edge of a cliff and I really didn't want something that could otherwise be wonderful to be the thing that sent me plummeting into a rocky abyss.

Colton was sitting on the edge of the bed looking just as frustrated as I felt. “That's the thing. There's never a good time to talk about it. I can't bring it up when we're on the bus because I'm not getting into that shit when we can't get away from each other for a while. I can't say anything when we're home because we're always so f*cking busy trying to get ready for what comes next. I just know it's driving me bat shit crazy and being here is making it worse.”

I spun around and glared at him. “No one said you had to come here. You were the one insisting that you needed to be here. So sorry I'm making things difficult for you.” This was going downhill. Fast.

I tried to get away as Colton walked towards me but he was too fast. He squeezed my arms forcing me to look at him. “Don't you get it? I do want to be here. I want to be here for you. I hate that you're hurting. I want to be the person you turn to when you're sad. I want to be the person you scream at when you're upset. That is why I wanted to be here. But right now I feel like I have to be so f*cking careful to not touch you in a certain way, to not get too close. That's what's killing me.”

Not only was I a total shit daughter and sister, now I felt like a shit friend too. I'd been lying to myself for so long it had become easy to ignore what was right in front of me. The life I'd dreamed of when I left home was now an utter f*cking nightmare.

My knees buckled under me as I the last thread holding together my fragile psyche snapped. I curled into a ball in the corner of my childhood bedroom, my chest heaving with every sob. Colton tried to pull me onto his lap when he sat next to me but I pushed him away. I didn't deserve his comfort. He was one of the many people I'd let down with my stubborn need to have things a certain way.



I awoke curled under my down comforter in my bed. I rolled over to see Colton staring at me, just as he did most mornings. When did I get in the bed?

“Morning,” I whispered, my voice hoarse from dehydration.

Colton brushed my red hair away from my face and I flinched. Why was he being so nice when I was such a bitch to him last night? He'd bared his soul to me and I took his words and pulverized them.

“Hey,” he said, leaning to kiss my forehead. “You need to start getting ready. I'll bring your coffee up.”

“You're still talking to me?” If roles were reversed, I wouldn't want to be within a mile of him. Rejection has always been one of my biggest fears. For a long time, it kept me from trying anything new. Truth be told, I still worried about rejection and criticism every day. I might try to put up a front that I don't give a shit about what people think of me but that's a lie. For better or worse, the acceptance of others has influenced nearly every decision I've made since the age of eighteen.

His arms wrapped around my waist pulling me close to his body. I didn't fight him. If the thought of being near me didn't make him ill, who was I to refuse him?

“No matter what, you'll always be my storm cloud. Last night just happened to be a small hurricane.” I laughed at his choice of words. “You're going through hell right now. You've been told a lot of things that have to be hard to deal with on top of your mom's funeral. I shouldn't have said anything, especially since you've always made it clear you'd never do anything with anyone involved with the band. I'm sorry.”

“Colt, it's not that...” I struggled, wondering if I should try to explain what was in my head or if that would make things worse. “If all of this wasn't going on right now, I don't know what I would have said. But seriously, I just can't even think about that right now. You are my everything and I'm terrified I'll screw that up. If that happens, not only do I lose my best friend, I risk tearing apart the band and losing all of my best friends. Even though things are changing here with my dad and my brothers, you, Jon and Trav are still my family too.”

“But what if it doesn't--”

I cut him off. The only way to avoid a reprise of last night was to avoid any more talk. “Let's try to get through the rest of the tour. We all talked about taking a few days to decompress, let's go somewhere so we can talk. That's the only way I can be certain I'm not making decisions for the wrong reasons.”

He thought about it for a minute, his eyes fixed on something outside my bedroom window. “I can live with that. Again, I'm sorry about last night. It was just so damn hard to see you falling apart yesterday. All I wanted to do was hold you but I didn't know what you'd do.”

We'd been thrust into a situation that had nothing to do with the band and we had no clue how to react to it. If we were at home in Portland and I was upset, he wouldn't have hesitated to give me a hug and tell me it would be okay. But here, where there were eyes on us that didn't understand our friendship, he'd frozen.

“You've been there for me for the past five years. Every time I have a rough day, you're the one getting me through it. Why would I have a problem with it now?” I wondered if his doubts had more to do with his growing feelings for me or with what my family would think seeing us together that way.

“I don't know, I just— f*ck, am I turning into the girl in this relationship?” We both laughed. He was kind of being a whiny, insecure little bitch but it was cute on him.

“Yeah, a little. It's okay, what's happens in here stays in here. Hopefully you'll extend me the same courtesy and not tell anyone I went all psycho bitch on you last night.”

“You weren't that bad.” I threw him a look of total disbelief. “You weren't. Okay, so yeah, it was scary and you were a bitch, but you had your reasons.”

“About that coffee...” I looked at my phone and realized we had to hurry if we were going to get to the church on time. I had to be there an hour before the funeral for one last viewing and the guys were going to use that time to get set up.



As I stood at the back of the church greeting mourners who'd come to celebrate Mom's life with us, I couldn't help but steal glances to the front of the sanctuary where Travis and Colton were squeezing in a last minute rehearsal. I think they were more nervous about playing at the funeral than I was. Mike elbowed me when he heard me stifle a laugh. I couldn't help it, watching them sweat over performing in front of fewer than a hundred people who had no clue they did this for a living was cute.

“Sorry,” I said, lowering my eyes and biting my lip.

“No worries. Bad timing but it's good to see you smile.” Mike reached over to squeeze my shoulder. “Really good.” He winked before turning back to the line of people waiting to enter the church.

Leaving was going to be harder today than it had ever been before. Funny how learning your family doesn't hate you can have that effect on a person.



I followed my brothers to the front pew of the church we'd attended since I was a toddler. My guys were sitting at the far end of the pew waiting for me. Colton reached for my hand as soon as we were settled. I didn't resist. I didn't care what anyone thought about us, he was my rock and I needed him.

Once the pastor was done with his sermon, he nodded in our direction and we took our places in front of the lectern. I took a few deep breaths, saying a silent prayer for the strength to get through this one song. I did my best to ignore the hushed whispers throughout the church as we prepared to start. I looked to my dad, nervous for a moment that this was a bad idea but he winked and Matt gave me a low thumbs-up. Those two simple gestures settled me enough to focus.

I should have known there was nothing to worry about. The three men standing next to me could pick up a new song and it would sound amazing within hours, so the classic rock ballad wasn't a challenge. You could almost see heads snapping to the front of the sanctuary as Travis and Colton started playing their beautiful duet arrangement. Colton looked to me a few bars before the intro ended to see how I was holding up. I nodded slightly to him, letting him know I was fine. That was a total lie. I had no clue how I'd managed to stave off the tears I could feel pressing against the back of my eyes.

I couldn't bear to look at the tears streaming down my dad's cheeks so I shut my eyes as I started singing. When my voice faltered near the end of the first verse, Colton and Jon both joined in with Colton on melody and Jon on harmony. I felt Colton's eyes on me as the violin solo bridge started. I'd gone over the fingerings so many times last night I started to feel like it was a nervous tick. I'd forgotten what a release it was to pull the bow against the strings and just feel the music. When the last chord echoed across the vaulted ceilings, there was stunned silence.

When my brothers stood to take their places along the right side of my mother's casket, my guys stood and walked to their instruments. My eyes grew wide, begging them to explain what they were doing but Jon simply nodded in my direction, letting me know it was okay. The sounds of an Amazing Grace duet on acoustic guitar filled the sanctuary as everyone walked to the back of the church. My dad looked at me and winked when I turned to see what was going on. I couldn't believe he knew about this and didn't tell me. I couldn't believe the guys had found time to talk to him about doing this for us. I was a very blessed, completely undeserving woman in many ways.