Begin Again (Again #1)(59)

Once we’d reached the street, he relaxed his hold, and I let myself sink onto the sidewalk. Kaden spoke, but all I could hear was Anderson’s voice swirling around in my head. Crystal. How he’d whispered my name.

My pulse was racing. This was the last straw.

Kaden’s face appeared before mine. He knelt in front of me and touched my knees. I pushed his hands away.

“What did that asshole do to you?” he whispered.

I couldn’t speak. He put his big hands around my face, but instead of making me feel safer, this just made me feel afraid. I resisted him.

“Allie, you have to tell me,” Kaden insisted. “Did he … Did he hurt you?” He said the words as if it pained him to pronounce them aloud.

I knew what he was asking, and shook my head no.

“I don’t believe you.”

I forced myself to look at Kaden. His gaze was pleading, almost panicky.

“He did not go to bed with me,” was all I could muster before standing and looking for a taxi. The walls I’d built around my soul back then had now returned. And they stopped me from telling the true story.

It wasn’t long before a taxi appeared. Kaden helped me get in and told the driver to wait a moment. He disappeared, returning a few minutes later with our jackets. He put mine over my shoulders and laid his own over my legs. The farther away we were from my parents’ house, the easier it was for me to breathe. But I still couldn’t bear Kaden’s touch. Not now. It was too much, just too much.

Back in the hotel, I disappeared into the bathroom and turned on the shower. I used an entire bottle of shower gel, but no matter how hard I tried, the terrible memories of Russell Anderson wouldn’t wash away. Afterward, the whole bathroom was filled with mist. With a trembling hand, I wiped a patch of steam off the mirror and stared at myself.

Pale face. Panic-stricken eyes. The look was oh-so-familiar. For months, I’d stared back at that broken girl in the mirror.

I tried not to hyperventilate.

Running into Russell Anderson was the last thing I’d been expecting today. Our last contact was nearly three years back.

I wrapped myself in the bathrobe, brushed my teeth, and then pulled on my leggings and a wide black T-shirt. As I blow-dried my hair, I realized I had calmed down.

“Allie?” Kaden was standing outside the door.

I took a deep breath. I knew I couldn’t hide myself from him much longer. I forced out a laugh. It sounded fake, so I tried again. This time it sounded better. That’s to the only way I could face Kaden. But would he accept it? How else could I deal with this situation? He should never have seen me in this state.

Carefully, I entered the bedroom. He was sitting on the bed, his head buried in both hands. When he heard me, he looked up. He looked more than merely worried.

I smiled.

“Cut it out,” he demanded.

My smile slipped just a little. “What do you mean?” I went over to my bag and took a bit of time to put my clothes inside.

“Allie, cut the shit.”

I continued to rummage through my bag. “It’s okay, Kaden. I was just overwhelmed.”

He leapt up and strode toward me, grabbing me by the shoulders and whirling me around. I opened my mouth to protest—but then saw how angry he looked.

“You are going to tell me what that was all about. Now.” he said through clenched teeth.

“Let me go.”

“No.”

“Kaden, let go of me now,” I hissed and tried to push him off with both my hands.

“No,” he repeated, and this time his voice was low. “You are not going to shut down now. Not after these last few months, not after I’ve introduced you to my mom, not after last night, and definitely not after tonight.” He pulled me close. “Do you understand me?”

Of course I did. But Kaden had no idea what he was asking of me. It wouldn’t happen, and the sooner he accepted it, the better. Shaking my head, I tried again to free myself from his grasp.

But he just held on tighter.

“My God, what do you want from me?” I cried, pushing with both hands against his chest.

“The truth,” Kaden whispered. “I want to know what this fucker did to you,” his voice grew louder. “What happened between you? Why can’t you be in the same room with him without losing it? I want to know-”

“Stop,” I interrupted him. My pulse was racing so fast, I felt dizzy.

“No way. I was there when he greeted you. I had to hold myself back from punching him in the face. The way he looked at you was—”

“Shut up,” I pleaded and covered my ears with my hands.

“What did he do to you?” Kaden’s voice was barely a whisper. He held me tight, but now he was running his thumbs over my naked arms. “Tell me, Allie.”

I could feel the walls collapse around me. The memories wouldn’t stay under cover any more, no matter how hard I tried to push them back. They poured over me like a torrent, one after the other, and I sobbed. My knees buckled, but Kaden was there and held me tight. He slid down to the floor with me. Hot tears ran down my cheeks, and I clung to him as the pictures from the past, so long repressed, came back—and with them the feelings of panic, fear, helplessness. The loneliness.

I cried and cried and cried.

Kaden stroked my hair, murmured gentle, soothing words into my ear, and held me so tightly that it felt like he wanted to keep me together with all his strength.