Begin Again (Again #1)(29)

I felt numb.

My mother’s words rang in my head, even as I left the living room to hide in my room. I wished I could cry, but the tears didn’t come. Instead I felt this all-too-familiar emptiness inside.

I didn’t hear Kaden enter my room. His face was in front of mine. I lifted my head. Everything around me was blurred. I felt cold.

“Go,” I croaked.

“Hey,” he said softly.

My mouth was dry and I had to run my tongue over my lips a few times to moisten them. “I’d rather be alone now,” I whispered. I still felt pressure in my chest. My breathing was hard.

He frowned. “I’m not leaving you alone in this state.”

“Just go, Kaden.”

“No.”

“I told you to go,” I hissed, trying to turn away from him. He gripped my wrists.

“Kaden!” I warned him.

“I’ll leave this room when I’m sure you won’t hurt yourself.”

I raised my eyebrows. “I won’t hurt myself.”

“Nice. I’ll leave this room when I’m sure that you’ve forgotten every word that that … woman said.”

I was pretty sure he would’ve picked another word to describe her but had used this neutral term out of respect for me.

“And when you don’t look like a whipped puppy anymore.” Kaden stroked my hands with his thumbs.

“I do not look like a whipped puppy,” I murmured.

He edged closer and frowned. “Yes you do, Allie.”

“At the most like a cat.”

“Huh?”

“I mean I would rather look like a whipped kitty. I am more of a cat person.”

I noticed how Kaden’s presence made me relax.

“Cats are sly,” Kaden thought aloud. “I think they don’t allow themselves to be whipped.”

I laughed weakly.

“So you’re doing better already,” he said, pleased. He grew serious again and held me tighter by the wrists. “Nothing she said is true. You know that, right?”

His voice was soft but nevertheless urgent.

I shrugged.

“But she’s right!” I didn’t want to have this conversation.

“Bullshit.” Kaden’s voice grew louder. “Everything she said was complete bullshit—what could you possibly agree with?”

“I … I’ve gained weight!” I escaped his grasp and covered my face with my hands. Kaden’s fingers now rested on my thighs.

“Okay, that might be true.”

I peered through my parted fingers. “Thanks a lot.”

“What? It’s just the truth.” He shot me a crooked grin. “I can see your curves now. It’s hot, Bubbles.”

He pinched me in my side, and I hit him. He shrank back, laughing. Once more he leaned forward and inspected me closely. Then he nodded. “Now I can leave you.”

With these words he stood and walked out of my room.

I swallowed hard. Kaden had meant well, but I needed more than a few encouraging words to fill this emptiness that my mother’s visit had left inside me.

And I knew of only one cure for that.





Chapter 11


I licked the salt on my wrist, tipped my chin up, downed the shot of tequila, then bit into a lemon slice. Snakebite.

I couldn’t say how many times I’d repeated this ritual tonight. I could hold my liquor, and it usually took a while before it showed any effect. But now the walls were spinning. And I felt fabulous.

“How does she do it?” Scott asked, looking across me to Dawn. I was sitting between them at the bar in Hillhouse.

“No idea. Her liver must be made of steel,” my friend responded. A liver of steel. I snorted. I must have gotten it from my mother. After all, she had a heart of steel.

I paused. If I could still think that clearly, I definitely needed another shot. I leaned over the bar and waved my hand. Within seconds the next glass was in front of me, and I raised it in thanks to the bartender. Thank God for their lax attention to age.

“I want to dance,” I called out to Dawn and Scott after I’d tossed down the shot. I dragged them to the dance floor and began to move to the music. I was drunk and surrounded by friends. I’d feel better soon. At least so I told myself.

After a while, Scott went off with a guy who seemed familiar, someone who was taking a course with me. Dawn and I joined a bunch of students, dancing with abandon. It was already after midnight when they asked us if we wanted to join them at a house party with other friends. We quickly agreed.

Dawn had taken it a bit easier this night and did her best to make sure I got safely to our goal.

Students were staggering around with red Solo cups in their hands in front of the entrance, and a sweetish smell floated in the air, hinting that not only cigarettes were being smoked.

Our new friends introduced us to the host and then disappeared amid the swirling crowd. Music thundered from the speakers, so I dragged Dawn toward the makeshift dance floor at the other end of the room. I had to keep on dancing.

“I’ve never seen you here before,” a guy addressed me as we got closer. Right away, his friend started chatting with Dawn.

“I’m a freshman,” I said, smiling, and moved to the music.