Before I Saw You(34)

Her fingernails were digging so deeply into his hand she was surprised he was still holding hers.

‘I should have done more. I shouldn’t have let him run off. I should have told my parents straight away. But I didn’t. I didn’t do anything.’ The tears were sticking in her throat, leaving little room for breath. Why did she start telling this story? She was losing control and she hated it. She needed to focus.

‘You did. You did everything you could.’

‘But I should have done more. They blamed me. They both blamed me. I know they did. They could barely look at me afterwards. Every time I tried to explain or go near them, they’d walk away in tears. I just wanted him safe. That’s all I ever wanted, I promise.’ Sobs were starting to rack her chest. The thread that had been holding her together so tightly for so many years was quickly unravelling.

‘Alice, it wasn’t your fault. Do you hear me? It wasn’t your fault. You were just a little girl.’

She tried everything she could to maintain control, but it was becoming harder and harder to hold on.

‘Alice, it’s OK not to be OK. You can cry and be angry and scream and shout if you want to.’

‘If I start, I’m scared I’ll never stop.’ Her voice sounded so small and childlike, yet the fear came through loud and clear.

‘It will. Eventually it will. I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere.’

With those words, the final stitch in her armour was cut. The thread fell to the floor as the wave of grief took her breath away. She leant into the sobs that rang out from deep inside her. She didn’t try and quieten the pain any more. There was no point. It was coming out, demanding to be heard. The air was so thick with sorrow she half expected to see it hanging as fog in front of her eyes. Instead she saw nothing but his hand holding hers. She couldn’t remember when she fell asleep, or even if she stopped crying as she dreamed, but she knew he was holding her.





28


Alfie





There were so many moments during the night when Alfie wanted to tear down the curtain and take her in his arms. He was scared to fall asleep in case she needed him. Even as he heard her sobs fade into the sounds of sleeping, he fought to keep his eyes open. Mostly he ended up staring at the curtain, telling himself that one look at her wouldn’t hurt anyone. She wouldn’t know. The voice urging him on would grow louder and more convincing, to the point where he would be reaching over to pull the fabric back just a tiny bit, and then …

No.

This is her choice.

You can’t take without asking.

They had come so far – was he really willing to risk her trust in him already? No. He would wait. He would ask her when the time was right.

Thinking back on everything she’d told him, it was no surprise that she was so closed off. It must be hard to let people in when you’d been hurt that badly and, as much as Alfie wanted to believe that last night’s conversation would change everything between them, he knew better. The walls she’d built for most of her life weren’t suddenly going to come crashing down. Their talk wasn’t going to be the magic key that unlocked everything, and he knew he had to prepare himself to be pushed away again.

As he watched the sun rise, he waited silently. He wanted to give her the freedom to choose her reaction. How did she want to play today?

‘Hey.’ Her voice was drowsy and hoarse from the crying but it was welcoming. It said, I’m tired and I’m weary and I’m feeling fucking vulnerable today, but what it definitely didn’t say was, Get away from me, or Leave me alone.

He let out a sigh of relief.

‘I’m not going to ask how you are because I think I can guess.’

‘I’m not feeling my best, I won’t lie.’ She laughed. It was that tentative shy laugh that warmed his soul a little. ‘Thank you for last night. I don’t quite know what to say except thank you.’

‘You don’t need to say anything else. Like I said, I’m not going anywhere.’

Silence.

Good silence.

Accepting, understanding silence.

‘Everything all right over here this morning? Being as annoyingly adorable as ever, Alfie?’ Nurse Angles was making her way across the ward, straight towards him.

‘You know me. Can’t help something that comes so naturally, I guess.’ He winked at her as she burst into a blinding smile.

‘We’re going to miss you around here when you leave us, Mr Mack. You’re the sunshine of this place.’ He laughed to mask the panic that quickly pierced his stomach.

‘Isn’t that right, Mr Peterson?’ she called across the ward.

Silence.

Not a good silence.

A worrying, unusual, alarming silence.

‘Mr P? Didn’t you hear that? Mother Angel over here was just being especially nice to me. I’m surprised you’re missing out on an opportunity to take me off that pedestal.’ Alfie tried to make his voice light-hearted, but there was a definite edge to it.

Nothing.

‘I’ll go have a check on him, sweetheart. I’m sure he’s just sleeping. Mr Peterson, is everything OK over here?’ He could hear Nurse Angles closing the curtains behind her.

Say something, please.

‘OK, honey. OK, sure. I’ll get your breakfast then ask the doctor to come and check on you.’