Before I Saw You(32)
Past tense, Alfie.
‘I reached forward and took the phone off them. They both looked round to try and grab it back. It was my fault: I took the phone so no one was looking at the road; it was such a brief moment but he didn’t see it coming. He didn’t see it coming because I’d distracted him.’
His words were falling out of his mouth so quickly he couldn’t catch his breath. The guilt that had been building up inside him was forcing its way out.
‘Some drunk arsehole a few cars up had swerved into the wrong lane and thrown a lorry off course. It came right at us and no one fucking saw it. All I remember is feeling the weight of everything hitting me all at once. It was like someone was ripping me inside out. There was so much pain I couldn’t work out where or who I was any more.’
He paused. His hands were clutching the bed sheets so tightly he could see the whites of his knuckles glowing in the dark.
‘They say I was thrown five metres from the car. That’s where the dreams always start. Me waking up, face down on the road with a knife in my stomach telling me something is very wrong. Then I look up and I see it. The car. It’s crumpled like it’s nothing more than paper. There’s smoke everywhere. I can hear screaming. I’m trying to find the others and then I see Ross’s face. He’s still in the goddam car. It’s like I’m so close, but every time I try and drag myself towards him he just gets further and further away. I’m screaming for him, begging him to get out of the car. But it’s like someone’s muted me or turned the volume up so loud on everyone else that my words just disappear into nothing. And then. Fuck. Then it burns. The heat is hitting my face but I don’t care because I just want to go in there and get him out. But someone’s grabbing me, trying to pull me away, and I can feel their hands gripping me so tightly, but the harder they hold me, the more I’m pushing them away. I try to get up and walk but I can’t. My leg is a dead weight underneath me, useless. Every time I push myself up enough to try and stand, the pain grabs hold of me and it becomes too much so that I almost black out again. I’m stuck. I’m stuck, unable to save my friend, who is so fucking close to me. I can’t think or feel anything but rage, as if I’m on fire too. And then out of the corner of my eye I see Ciarán. I see him just lying there. He’s so broken. Just a heap of human mass left on the road. But it’s Ciarán. I know it’s Ciarán. I start screaming for him, pleading for him to wake up. But he just stays so still. I need him to wake up. Why isn’t he waking up? We need to go and get Ross. I’m so mad at him for just lying there, and I’m so scared I want to hold him, but there’s more people pulling me away and I can’t fight them off any longer. I want to hold on so badly. I can’t leave them. I can’t fucking leave them there.’
When the tears started, they hit him with such force he could barely keep himself upright.
Suddenly he saw her hand come through for him. He was too scared to reach out and grab it, so certain that if he released his grip from his bed sheets he would fall and never come back.
‘Alfie, I’m here. Take my hand.’
He didn’t need to see her to know there was no pity, no awkwardness or repulsion. She would hold him. She would anchor him. He held her hand and she squeezed him tightly.
‘I woke up in hospital, adamant they would be just a couple of beds away from me. I wouldn’t believe them when they told me. It was only when I saw the look on my mum’s face that I knew they were really gone. I didn’t even care that they took my leg. They could have taken all of me. I just needed to not be the only one to survive. Seeing the resentment in their families’ faces became unbearable. They loved me like a son but wanted me to be the one they were grieving for. I suppose that in the end, the only way I could get through it was to bury it. Shut all the pain off. But the truth is that sometimes I wish I was the one they put in the ground.’
They held hands as if it was all they could do to keep on breathing; he couldn’t tell who was holding on more tightly. Tears from both of them ran down their arms to meet in the middle.
The silence unfolded around them, bringing with it a sense of peace. Alfie could feel the tightness in his chest melt away as his breathing grew deeper and more measured. He had survived the storm and someone was next to him, picking him up from the rubble.
‘I know what it’s like to be the one they want dead,’ she whispered.
The moment he felt he was back on solid ground, it shifted beneath him again.
27
Alice
It was such a powerful feeling, holding someone. Being there for someone. Being wanted by someone. Had she got so caught up in the magic of the moment that she’d let a part of her escape in the hope of being held too? Shame coursed through her body, and even though she knew he couldn’t see her, she found herself letting go and burying her head in her hands.
Why the hell had she said that?
She was about to start apologizing for making it all about her when she heard his voice break the silence.
‘Do you want to talk about it?’ His hand was still outstretched on her side of the curtain.
‘I don’t even know why I said it. This was your time to talk about stuff. I just … I wanted you to know that you’re not alone in the way you feel.’
‘No, I’m done with talking. There’s only so much I can relive in one night. I’m all ears if you want to tell me your story.’