Atonement(2)
“What’s his condition? Surely someone eventually called the police and he was taken to the hospital?”
My mother sniffled again on the other line. “It was too late, honey. They did all they could do and he fought like a son of a bitch until the end but…there was nothing they could do. You and Caitlyn have lost your father and I’ve lost my husband…”
My heart slowed to a crawl and all the sudden, my phone dropped from my hand and I collapsed to the floor. The world couldn’t spin fast enough as far as I was concerned. Anything to make the f*cking pain end was good enough for me.
How could Drew have been so right? School was definitely over for me now indefinitely.
Part One
It’s All Over But The Crying
Seven Months Later
Chapter One
“DEIRDRE, HOW ARE you feeling today?” Dr. van der Meer inquired in his usual monotone voice.
“Pretty good, I think. I’m having the nightmares less and less and the panic attacks have all but come to a stop but I warrant that more with the maximum strength prescription of Xanax I have rather than anything else,” I replied before I shifted in the comfortable chair which arranged me across from him.
Since my father’s death, I had been seeing a shrink and it was doing some good. He was a pretty much a stickler to the old-school type of good old fashioned healing and eschewed all the most popular psychotropics’ on the market for talking out my issues. However, I had just recently given up Wellbutrin after a stint with Zoloft so he wasn’t completely against handing out the drugs; at the time we mutually agreed they were needed in my case.
The Xanax had also been prescribed by Dr. van der Meer and I’d made the mistake of popping one before coming to this appointment. Big mistake. I was tired, relaxed yet out of it. I knew right off the bat this was not going to be a very enjoyable visit to my psychiatrist.
“I understand you’re thinking about going back to school,” he replied as he jotted down a few notes on his ever-present legal pad.
“I am. The Seattle branch of the University of Washington doesn’t have a PhD program in the field I was studying at Harvard but I need a change anyway. I have inquired about their Doctorate in Public Policy and Management…it seems interesting and at least I feel like I could be of some use to society.”
Dr. van der Meer stared at me with clear sky blue eyes. “Why do you talk as if you were the one who should have been sent to prison? You did nothing wrong and you’re not the reason why your father is dead.”
The tears came whether I wanted them to or not and I grabbed several Kleenex from the box the Doc kept handy. “I always felt like I was such a disappointment and now…he’ll never know me to be anything but…that. I didn’t stay in school all this time because I wanted to further my education. I just became a professional student because it allowed me to escape reality and when the recession hit, it gave me more than enough excuses. I was attending Harvard on my dad’s dime and yeah, I know he could afford it no problem but…it wasn’t what he wanted from me and now he will never know.”
“We sit down with one another three times per week and it’s always the same with you.” Doctor van der Meer put his reading glasses down and looked up at me. “I don’t think going back to school right now is the answer at all, Deirdre. I think the only thing that is going to pull you out of your funk is to live life a little. That means no more school work and no more studying.
“You’ll be twenty-nine in June and you’ve said it yourself—you are a professional student. Not because you’re not intelligent and can’t pass your classes and pick up your increasing number of degrees but because you are afraid to live life. If I didn’t think it was against the rules of my very rigid profession, I would introduce you to my son. He’s a year older than you and a professional slacker. You two would get on quite well.”
I dried my eyes before I blew my nose. “Well, what do you think I should do?”
“Your father left you with a very comfortable nest egg. Use part of it to go out there and see the world. Why don’t you take a trip to Europe? The flights are not too bad as it’s the shoulder season and the high season hasn’t begun yet. You’re allowed to stay as long as you like, yes?”
I nodded my head. “My dad grew up in Quebec City but he was born in France and maintained both his Canadian and French passports. When I was born, my mom—my real mom, not Jeanette—and he went back to the small village where his people come from in the region of Lorraine and they managed to take care of everything. So, to make a long story short, yes, I have all three of my passports and I can stay as long as I like.”