As She Fades(15)

“I know,” Mom said, sniffling, then laughing at herself as she released me to wipe at her tears. “These are happy tears. Can’t seem to help it. This is such a relief. Go ahead and eat all the tarts. Forget about dinner if you want.”

This time I laughed. “I actually want the meat loaf, Mom.”

“Then help yourself!” she said, clapping her hands and laughing some more with tear-filled eyes. “Just live again, Vale.”

Living had seemed wrong. Since the moment of the accident, it had seemed like I was doing something terrible if I lived. Crawford wasn’t getting to live, so why should I? That wasn’t the way to look at this, though. It had been selfish to think that way. Crawford loved me. My self-punishment wouldn’t please him. He’d hate it.

“Let me fix you a plate. I even made the mashed potatoes just the way you like them. No skins and creamy.”

I sat down and let Mom fuss over me. It made her feel good and it was time she got to feel good again. She’d been suffering in her own way and that was my fault. I wasn’t doing that to her anymore.

“Juliet’s gonna be happy to hear this. She was just telling me the other day how she wants you to go. How Crawford would want you to go.”

I nodded. I already knew this. I just had to finally accept it.





CHAPTER TWELVE

TRUE TO HIS word, Slate came up to the hospital to read to Crawford several times a week. After my shopping day with Mom, I changed my schedule up some. I had breakfast at home, then went to the hospital to check on things. I left and spent time with Malyn and Maddy, or went home to pack things and visit with my mom. Then I would drive back at four when it was my time with Crawford.

It wasn’t easy at first, but the new routine made me feel less guilty about neglecting those who loved me, and I felt like I’d gotten more accomplished every night when I lay down to sleep. Something Crawford would be happy about. Knowing that I was happy, too. This was what I needed, even if I hadn’t thought so to begin with.

It was the second week into the new schedule when I arrived just as Slate was leaving. I wouldn’t get to actually go in the room with Crawford. I’d arrive early to talk to Juliet or the nurses. It helped to stop by and get an update.

“Hey,” I said to Slate as I stepped off the elevator he had been waiting to get on. I felt like I should have a coffee for him.

“Hey yourself. He’s doing good today. Doctor says he’s seeing more activity out of him daily. Heard you were planning on coming our way next month. Glad to hear it.”

I nodded. “Yeah. I’ve been getting things ready to move in to my dorm.”

He smiled. “Dorm life. Gotta love it.” He paused, then nodded to the elevator that had now shut without him in it. “Want to go get a coffee with me?”

A couple weeks ago I would have said no. But now I had to think about it. A cup of coffee with a guy who was helping out my boyfriend didn’t sound like a bad idea. I owed it to him.

“Sure. I could use a cup.”

He grinned and, honestly, that smile was something else. I felt guilty for even thinking it, so I turned my attention to the elevator and pressed the down button again.

“I’ve got to be back here in two hours for a game of poker with my uncle. But the coffee shop where I’ve been getting the good stuff is about a mile from here.”

“That’s fine with me. I have time. I don’t get in to see Crawford until four.”

Slate was quiet a moment while we took the elevator down to the first floor. When we stepped off, he glanced at me. “So, you haven’t been here as much. Not that it’s my business. I was just curious as to the change.”

I was sure Knox had told him something, if not explained it all. Or maybe he hadn’t asked. I pulled my purse up higher on my shoulder, which was a nervous habit, and kept walking in step beside him.

“I was being selfish. My family missed me and was worried about me. Crawford doesn’t know when I’m there, except hopefully when I read to him and talk to him every afternoon. I want to believe he can hear me then. But the rest of the time my family needs to see me live. It’s hard. I feel like I shouldn’t be living while he’s in there, but I can’t keep doing that to them. It’s wrong.”

Slate let out a sigh. “Yeah, well, I never put the word selfish and you in the same category. But it’s nice of you to think of them.”

I shrugged. “It’s been hard on them. All of this. Me withdrawing. They worry about me. I had to start thinking about what Crawford would want when he wakes up. And if he sees I put life on hold for him, he’ll be upset. He will feel like it’s his fault. Again, I was selfish. I had to adjust my guilt and realize I needed to try to live normally.”

The fact I was telling Slate all this was surprising. We hardly knew each other, but here I was opening up to him like he was a close friend. Why? I had no idea.

“I’ll agree that if Crawford loves you as much as you obviously love him, he’d want you to live life. It’s what you would want for him if the roles were reversed.”

I didn’t hesitate. “Absolutely.”

“My car is on the third level,” he said as we stepped outside.

“Mine is right over there. Aren’t you coming back?” I asked, glancing over at him for the first time during our little conversation.