As She Fades(14)

As much as I didn’t like hearing that, I realized my brother was right. I let Crawford make decisions for me. I wanted to make him happy, and I was so worried about being selfish. Had I missed that all along? Did I lose myself somewhere along the way?

“It’s like finding myself again.” That was something I would only admit to Knox.

“It is way past time,” he replied with a squeeze of my shoulders.

Being who I wanted to be was confusing. Because I wasn’t sure anymore.

I stood there in that elevator beside my brother and let the past few years play over in my head. How I had slowly changed. How I had let Crawford begin to mold me. I don’t think he meant to. I just allowed it.

But it was me he fell in love with in the first place. Not the girl I’d turned into. When he woke up I’d be ready, and I realized that that would make him the happiest.





CHAPTER ELEVEN

SLATE READING TO Crawford had once again made his brain activity pick up. When Knox called to tell Slate, he agreed to come read to him while he was still in town with his uncle. No one had an explanation for why Slate’s reading did more than anyone else’s. But Juliet was thrilled. It had given her some hope.

Tonight when she’d left me with Crawford, she had a smile. A small one, but still a smile. I hadn’t seen one of those from her in a long time.

I was tempted to read him the SEC magazine myself and see what happened. But I didn’t. Tonight I needed to talk to him. Tell him what I was thinking. Before I told my parents and started to prepare to go to college next month, I had to tell Crawford.

I set down my bag and walked over and touched his hand. It was cold in his room, so his hand was always cold. I wanted to warm it up. I hated to think he might be cold.

“Everyone says you would want me to go to college. Your mom, Knox, my parents. They all think it’s what’s best. When you wake up, they say you’ll be happy I lived, that I went on like we planned. As much as it scares me and as much as I want to be here with you, I think it’s time I made my own decisions. I lost myself somewhere along the way. Maybe you noticed and just didn’t know how to tell me. Maybe you didn’t. I don’t know anymore.” I paused and let out a sigh. Telling him all this was difficult. Even if he didn’t hear me or remember any of it.

“I’m going to tell my parents tonight. I’ll go next month. I’ll take the classes I planned and come home on the weekends to visit you. I can read you whatever novel they have me reading in class. I can tell you all about it. Or you can wake up and come, too. That would be what I really want.”

I wasn’t supposed to pressure him. Juliet was afraid it would upset him. But he needed to know I’d want him with me more than anything else. “Until you’re ready to join me, I’ll figure things out. Find the best coffee shops, pizza places, and study spots. When you get there, I can update you on all of it.

“I’m not leaving you. Don’t think that. I will come back every chance I get. I’ll tell you about everything. When you open your eyes, you’ll know I did this for you. Not me. Because I just want to stay here.”

I think. Was that what I wanted? Really? Because I was lonely here. Lost. Out of place. More things I couldn’t tell him. In the past when I told him I could never make his mother happy, he disagreed and said she loved me. He saw things differently than I did.

“Tomorrow I’m not going to sit in the waiting room all day. I’m going to shop for school. Spend some time with my mom. The twins, too. I’ll be here at four, though. I just need to slowly move away from being here all the time. So I’ll be prepared when it’s time for me to leave. You understand that, right?”

He wouldn’t answer. I didn’t expect him to. But I asked him anyway.

*

WHEN I WALKED into the house at eight thirty I could smell the meat loaf that mom had cooked for dinner. She wrapped it in bacon, and that distinct smell hung around for hours. There was also the sweet smell of apples in the air. I was ready to eat for a change. Ready to do something for me.

“You’re home just in time,” Mom said, peeking her head out the kitchen door. “I just pulled the apple tarts out of the oven. They’re nice and warm. You can eat dessert first. Just don’t tell Knox.”

“He’s obviously not here, or he’d be standing at that stove waiting for you to pull them out of the oven.”

Mom chuckled. “You’re right about that. He’s gone to meet up with some friends in town. Or something like that.”

Immediately I wondered if Slate was one of them. Was he meeting his frat brothers? What were they doing? None of it was my business, and I didn’t know why I cared.

“I’m going to college next month,” I said, watching Mom freeze, then put down the plate she’d been holding. She stood there a moment, then squealed before throwing her arms around me. I hugged her back.

“Oh, baby, I’m so glad. Lord knows I’ve wanted to hear those words for weeks. You won’t regret this.” She kept hugging me and I could hear the emotion clogging her throat. I’d worried her. I felt guilty about it. I hated that I hadn’t thought about her needs. Was that what Juliet meant by me being selfish?

“I needed time. To decide what was best for me.” I didn’t add what was best for Crawford. Because I had to stop that. I was doing all I could for him. This wasn’t about making him happy. A relationship was about us both being happy.