Anything for Her(99)

A black velvet sky settling gently over her...deep, dark, like the shadows beside the old lilac bush where Nolan had kissed her. Damn it, no.

Okay, concentrate on happy moments. Cuddling a kitten. But instead, all she came up with was Cassie’s long pink tongue wrapped around her hand.

Something fun, then. When had she last had fun? Waterskiing...knowing Nolan was waiting for her back at the dock, proud she’d been willing to try even though she was timid in the water.

And so it went. Every single blasted effort she made to relax herself seemed to involve Nolan, and her body got stiffer and stiffer until she felt as if only her heels and her shoulder blades were actually touching the mattress.

Groaning, she slapped the pillow down on her face. Oh, why not get up? She might as well read or quilt or something.

Except when she did get up, her eyes burned and felt gritty. Her chest was being squeezed by a tight band and her stomach was knotted even tighter.

Maybe I’m hungry.

She opened the refrigerator and stared inside. Somehow a salad didn’t sound very palatable in the middle of the night.

Cupboard. Maybe soup...?

Finally she put water on to boil to make herself a cup of herbal tea. Neither of the varieties she found promised to aid sleep, but warm milk had always sounded disgusting to her.

Waiting for the teakettle to whistle, Allie stared blankly at the refrigerator door, decorated only with a handful of quilting-related magnets. Refrigerator doors, she thought, were meant for displaying children’s artwork.

The pressure in her chest became more intense, stealing her breath. For a moment she could have sworn some colorful drawings did hang on the otherwise white surface. She heard a giggle and turned her head sharply, but of course she was alone.

This might be my only chance. Do I even want children, if they aren’t Nolan’s?

Allie wondered what their children would look like. Would they take after him, solid and quiet and intuitive? Or after her, small, slight, inclined to settle only in front of her quilt frame? She would love to have children with his bright blue eyes.

Nolan was so good with Sean. He’d be the best father in the world, endlessly patient, gentle. She pictured him swinging a little girl into the air and laughing up at her.

Oh, damn. She squeezed her dry eyes closed and dropped her head onto her forearm, only to jump when the teakettle whistled.

I love him.

Finding Nolan had been a miracle. The stone man, who had the kindest heart she’d ever known and was incredibly sexy besides. She loved every minute she’d spent with him. The past few days, once she’d admitted her secret to him and he had told her he loved her, had been the happiest of her life.

She tried to summon the memory of other joyous times—when she was accepted to American Ballet Theatre, or was cast in Firebird, but none compared. They were triumphs, but only steps along the way to a far-off goal. Loving Nolan was...finding where she belonged. Her dream of dance seemed very long ago.

She had been called to dance. But for all the joy dance had given her, all the passion and dedication and even pain she had been willing to give in return, she had lived without it. Ultimately, becoming a quilt maker had given her joy, too.

What she’d never done in her life was give her heart—until she had looked up at that almost-homely face and straight into Nolan’s stunningly clear blue eyes, the expression in them equally arrested. From that first moment, she thought.

I don’t want to be alone anymore. Who had said that, him or her?

We don’t have to be.

She stood up and turned off the burner, moving the teakettle off it without bothering to pour water into the cup. Her tension and pain seemed to be floating away, leaving her feeling extraordinarily light. Maybe, she thought frivolously, absurdly, she could do that jeté now and stay airborne as long as she liked.

She made herself remember that he’d had her investigated, but couldn’t muster any anger at all, because she did understand why he’d done it.

She really was a lousy liar, and Nolan had an especially deep-seated fear of lies. It wasn’t hard to picture how incredulous he must have felt at the idea that in loving her he was replicating his parents’ relationship. It was no surprise he’d had to get answers about her, one way or another.

Despite what he’d done, she believed with all her heart that she could trust him. When he made a commitment, Nolan would keep it. Even Sean was starting to have faith, Allie thought, although he hadn’t been with Nolan all that long.